GAL

[jt2007]

Talked to xh today, he wanted me to leave him alone. He goes between wanting that and wanting to see me.
Its agrevating me.
Today he says I need to be independent of him,, I was stay at home mom 16yrs. He was the black sheep of his family, I saw potential in him that he didnt..Supported an directed him to things he could do while taking care of home... now he thinks I did nothing and dont deserve anything we had together.
This is kind of his personaltiy flaw..he has always taken credit that belongs to others.
I over looked that part of him...because of other good things.

Now he is saying I need to be independant of him. He has gotten so high up on the horse that only place he has to go now is down. Not that i want that...but In a way know he is right .
I need to GAL

ONly prob is...I am not used to being alone. I didnt take anything from our marriage in the divorce.
He said that if I got a job and was independant had my own house and supported myself...then he might consider getting back together.

I dont know if that is just BS.
Either way I feel like making my own life is somehow breaking off and totally leaving our marrage...even though we are divorced...
We just signed the papers this month. But This has been going on for the past 7 months before we signed.

Im going to school , and that was "our" plan before this all started. So I have to finish ...but Im not sure how to start a differnt life..and not feel like Im betraying our marrage still.
He wants me to give him what he already has...money from me...to give him relief from worring about losing he job all the time. I of course am not at his level...my focus was on him and my kids all these years. He has everything, house kids and the $$. I let him and didnt fight, I know how big of a responsibility it was , and hesaid it was easy, he is suffering now,, and I hate watching my kids suffer with him. But he is still being stubobrn telling me that I was everything wrong. Because I didnt have a career like he does NOW>

I dont know how to start or go forward without them I dont feel comfortalbe doing things just for myself...im used to doing it for "the family"...This feels so wrong to me, and I feel so pathetic looking at myself. and his words hurt.

I dont Know how to Get a life while leaving my family alone.

[TulsaTime]

That's a tough one. A question I'm still trying to figure that out myself after 22 years.

Are you still in the house? Do things with your kids and try to find things you enjoy. Taking care of yourself is attractive and makes YOU feel better.

[jt2007]

Thanks for sharing that you are still dealing with this. I guess I will need to realize my family will always be part of who I am ...I just have to work out what perspective to take with having my "ideal" idea of family being taken away.

Its time to plant seeds. My dearD talked to me and I asked if she had found the Sunflower seeds from last year and If she remembered how to plant them. She said "No, mommy thats why You need to be here."
I cant believe H is putting us all through this MLC thing!! Its rough...

Im not living at the home, he doesnt pay alimony and I dont have to pay child support, I gave all that to H in the divorce.

( he has the kids )

So I only see them on weekends for a few hours because of my school hours.
I let him have everything and didnt fight for anything because thats what he said would make him feel better about being away from me after he was arrested for DV. He was so set in his idea that I didnt deserve anything because I wasnt a good house wife and he didnt like me because I didnt have a career!

He said I couldnt ever manage the house and kids and he could do soo much better even with his job (he is pretty high up on the pole in the company he works for) ...I was kind of vindictive and let him have it all didnt fight for any of it.

He called me today asking me to come over because he couldnt deal with one of our sons..in his teens. AND get this..he was PO at ME because "all I had to do was go to school and was free from them"
...but HE is the one that asked for it all!!! Then he says forget coming over he is just going to have to learn to deal with it on his own.

IM NOT WINNING anything here...doesnt seem like any progress is being made in the reconciliation direction.

I was thinking well why dont you call one of the many OWen that have your attention,,,they have careers and can deal with all the children (right,,,I have never met a "carrer woman" in real everyday life that had 4kids and a home and husband...that didnt have ANY help) Im thinking wake up Mister!!

Well, not sure how I feel about this now. I just want to make sure my kids are ok. So I will still listen to him just to keep him ok and open to talking.

I am ,of course, there for my children and try and call them everynight at least to say goodnight and see how they are dealing.
There are so many plans I want to make with them, as I want our life back...and It was very difficult for me to not fight to get them .
If I had went to court instead of doing non contested D...I would have "gotten" so much more and I would have the children right now.

But, I still wanted my marriage back..so I didnt fight,,in hopes he would come around and recognize how much I was for the family, and him.


In the mean time. I dont know how to go on.

I have never been out on my own when we were married. I never even spoke to other men...never went out with friends....on purpose (my choice) because I was devoted everything totaly to H, didnt ever want anything to make him ever worry or think that I was ever anywere but there for him only, through his good and bad.

IN hindsight..Guess that wasnt the right approach for him and for me..and now have no idea what I want to do. Even for myself.

I need to find the definition of "taking care of myself"
and what exactly that entails.