SpinFree, I appreciate your input. What does Puppy Dog Tails say? He has 14000+ posts. Can you direct me a bit to the right ones. Or are your points made the summation of PDT?
read 'em all. he has a story to tell and a great perspective. and he has a great sense of humor. which btw is ultra-important now-a-days. smile and laugh as much as you can. always.
So this is what I did: I talked to W and said I know that she is having an affair or is thinking about it. She first denied but later admitted she was had feelings for someone. I said that I could understand that and that it is not that strange to feel attraction to someone else. It surprised her that I sometimes feel attracted to others too (but you should not act on it). She was even a bit upset about that. I told her that it is understandable that if you are not happy in your M that you might want to explore those feelings. However, I made clear to her that if she would explore it in any way, even by "innocent" flirting she cannot stay in our family. If she wants to explore it fine with me but then she has to leave. She understood that and even agreed with my point of view. So far she stayed and I have very strong indications she is indeed not exploring the OM. She said she felt ashamed of jeopardizing her family. On the other hand she is still distant to me and I am still in the guest room.
You know there is actually just one real big problem in our M. We did not (or seldom) have sex for the past 5-6 years. She does not feel like it. But she never addresses the real issues she has with it. All I want to do is to try and resolve that issue. I would do anything, any therapy or whatever. But she does not belief there is anything that would help. She seems not even to be willing to try. Other than that we are the best of friends and form with our kids a great family.
She is always so negative. In stead of finding what is wrong and trying to work on it to make it better, every problem seems unsolvable to her. So her standard solution is to throw it all away and walk away.
Do you really think that me staying out of her way and living my own life will make her want to try to safe the M? Even if it means taking steps (like therapy) that she really does not want to take?
Do you really think that me staying out of her way and living my own life will make her want to try to save the M? Even if it means taking steps (like therapy) that she really does not want to take?
I am not sure that will work. Test things and see what works.
The key is making POSITIVE CHANGES to your life. Positive changes to you thoughts, words, actions, beliefs, looks, the way you interact etc...
It is important to project yourself "different". I strongly recommend spending some time in the self help section of a book store. I have read 50+ self help books since the bomb. Pick something you want to improve, then start reading.
Do you know why she does not "feel like it"? I do. I learned the hard way. The man she has "feelings" for might....."she comes first" is a good book that you may want to read. "The art of seduction" is another.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
The therapy needs to start with her seeing a doctor about her hormone levels. If her body isn't producing enough natural homones, she won't desire sex. She doesn't have to be any certain age for that to happen. She would need to see a doctor who specializes in Hormone Replacement Therapy. It does wonders!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
