1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through conversation.....say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc. 4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.) 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) 8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.) 10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act as if you are moving on with your life! 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time. 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
I like your list. It does make sense. However, how do you do that when you are sick to your stomach? I am hyper nervous now, gut wrenched. My wife dropped the bomb last Sunday. After 8 years of marriage, of which ~7 were troubled by lack of sexual desire by her. We also argued a lot over small petty things. We did many things to overcome it. Classical marriage counseling, work on our own individual problems (both have depression issues). Now I finally think we are ready as individual to really build a much better relationship. But my wife has had enough, always having the feeling it was her fault not to feel sexual attraction anymore, always feeling bad about the relationship. When she dropped the bomb she simply said that she never felt the sexual attraction ever since we married, never felt the spark anymore, thinks I am boring and the relationship is boring. She loves me as a friend and thinks I am a great father but is sick and tired of having the feeling something is not good an has to change.
I do understand it, because I am a pretty dominant dude, always ready with my opinion. I really started to understand it better about a month ago and started working through DB. But I guess I did not shut up in time because the bomb dropped. Now she said that she does not see any hope or any way out, but is willing to give me my time because I said it is worth to save it and I said that I might have another way. I told her that I understand now what kind of pressure I have been putting on her all these years. So here we are, a couple of days later and I feel her tension. She even told me she was still lying awake not understanding that we talked last Sunday but we still act together as if nothing happened. Yes,we are still in our daily routine of working and taking care of the kids. We even still have fun together with our kids and still joke with each other (we really like each others sense of humor) so these good things are still the same. But she does not seem to notice (yet) that I do not come home grumpy anymore or complain or comment. But if she still feels tension because she is waiting to get out I am afraid it will not help.
We have also been setting up some dates because I had the idea that the last couple of years we did not have much fun because of our busy lives with two small kids (5 and 2) and both with demanding jobs. The first date we had was nice, but I had to ask of course if she liked it in my insecure way......WRONG (your rule #7)!! I know now. Next time I will just go and focus on enjoying the activity myself in stead of focusing on her. But I guess I am breaking rule #9 eh? I really think we can have a good time as long as I stop being needy for reassurances. Also she already agreed on some dates, should I cancel them?
Remember these words: "It is important to continually surprise your wife from now on." She thinks you are boring: PROVE HER WRONG! Surprise her on the dates. The way you look, the way you act, the way you smell, the way you look at her.....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I read somewhere on here that it takes 4-6 weeks for your spouse to notice and feel the changes you make are for good, or something like that. It seems like a good rule of thumb and I would say I think it's been that way with my H. And he's made changes too, although I don't think they're to get me back since he's the one that left, but you know what, I didn't notice them for quite a while!
So it will take some time, but I've noticed that time passes a lot more quickly than I think it will since all this has started with me, I hope it does for you too.
M: 35 H: 34 S: 8 Married: 12 years Together: 16 years Bomb: 11/2/09 Sep: 1/1/10 EA confirmed: 11/2/09 PA confirmed: 3/28/10
Here we go, the misery roller coaster is going in full gear. W made clear to me this morning she's super unhappy. We got to separate, the idea that I still have hope is driving her to the ground. I did the hardest thing ever and said she was right, we have to separate. Although I think we can still save it, but this time I did not bother her with that, it was so hard like slowly having a red hot knife twisted in my gut. I am moving into our guest/office room (I know I should have made her go there but I kind of like the room). Also next week friends are out of town and she can go there for next week. I hope she will be home for dinners and bringing the kids to bed though because it will be so hard on them. Besides we always enjoy being as a family with the kids.
I know what is to do next, build up my own life that I will greatly enjoy. Especially for her to notice. Oh man I am so scared. I am rushing from not understanding why, anger, despair, feeling sorry for my self to hope and back to incredible sadness and loss. I rationally know many/most (of you) have gone through it and go back on their feet, either with a better marriage or with a better life, but now I feel so bad. How am I going to be strong enough now to show (off) a great positive individual me? I feel so lonely, I hope you are there to comfort me with your words.
I have hope, but I keep on tearing up questioning myself what will happen to the kids? I don't want them to be in pain. I know they don't have to know now. W just takes her space she needs but she is convinced it is forever...over... I had my first phone consult this morning and I taste the hope. But it feels like stepping on a tight rope, I might reach the other side but it is more likely that I will fall. And when I think of the kids it feels like the rope is cut just there and then. I am so afraid fooling myself with the hope, just postponing the pain....
please help me get the ground closer to the rope so it does not scare me to walk on it. So it would make a fall bearable.
It is a chatch-22, like saying the best remedy for being sad is to be happy, the best way to get your M back is to step away from it and be happy....
Hi Koekie, Oh I'm so sorry to hear of your sitch. But glad you're here - the support and advice you'll receive here is unbelievable. I'm pretty new here myself, and our situations are quite different, but I wanted to just say my heart goes out to you, and to hang in there. Keep posting. I find it really helps to sort out your thoughts and feelings and create an action plan of sorts. It also gives others more information to draw on so they can give you advice and offer support. Take care, from prairiegirl.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Sorry you (like the rest of us) find yourself here. Like I have seen said, welcome to the best place you never wanted to be.
I don't know the full story of your sitch, but from the sound of your last post, you need to take some deep breaths and address your fear. It is NOT something that will serve you well.
Imagine in your mind the worst case scenario. Go to that place and really feel it, experience it. And, realize that if that happened, you will be fine. You will still have a great life with kids in it. Once you can accept that you will make it through whatever comes at you, then there's nothing left to fear. You don't want the worst case scenario to happen, but you can handle whatever comes at you.
Now, focus on yourself and take a long, hard look at the things that need improvement. And, here's teh catch: you have to change those things NOT to win back your W, but SOLELY for YOU. Not for any other person or reason.
Focus on you. Not just improving things in you, but also look at the things you enjoy doing. And get busy doing them. Again, not because it might make an impression on your W, but for no other reason than it makes you happy.
the best way to get your M back is to step away from it and be happy....
First of all, you are in panic mode and it is very unattractive. A WAW wants a man who is strong, confident,and a man she can respect. She has to respect him before she will desire him.
If she enjoys being with you and the children, as a family, aNd she likes your humor.....then you have more going for you than most people who come here.
It will take time and much...much patience on your part. I don't know how "comforting" we will be, but I promise you will get the information you need to hear.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sorry you are here. However, Sandi is right. You need to get it together. I know where you are, I've been there. However, being there is not productive. Take deep breaths, go for a walk, take the kids to a movie, help others here. Those are some of the things I did to calm myself down.
When I was in your shoes, what helped me find my footing was looking at the girls and seeing that I needed to be strong and consistent for them. I was the only one that could do that at the time. Focusing on them helped me to forget about my loss and dispair.
