Should I keep trying? Even though there is OM?

[Cade]

Hi everyone,

I am in need of some advice. I have been reading divorcebusting for over 4yrs and divorce busting my situation since then too. I have a little voice inside my that says, "Be patient". But I just don't know anymore.

Here is my situation: We were together for 13yrs. Boyfriend and girlfriend for 8yrs, Married 5yrs. Divorced now - for about 2 yrs now.

During our separation, she was dating online. When I found out and approached her about it because she included pics of our children, she denied it, then locked her account to private and then created a new dating account on another website.

When she announced her divorce, she indicated it was because she was mistreated, taken for granted. But later I found out it was because she wanted to see other people. Currently she is dating OM on a regular basis. Both him and her take the girls out to amusement parks.

I just don't know what to do. I have this inner voice, but I think I may still be in denial. I have still have feeling for her. I pray at night for us to get back together. But I just don't know anymore. I got a life of my own. I work out in the morning, I keep myselft busy. I guess I have so much hope inside that it is blinding me of the reality.

Should I keep hope alive?

[TrentC]

It is up to you to decide how long you want to wait for her. You can keep hope alive, but you must also live with the reality of your situation:

This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.

She is currently happy seeing other men. Until or unless you can be one of the men she is interested in, she will not come back to you.

So the important part is to live your life. When you see her, be happy and upbeat. Get a life and do interesting things; these are probably the qualities that attracted her to you in the first place.

Work on re-establishing those ties with her, but not in the sense that you need her to be with you. Maybe make joint plans with her and the girls, or you might ask her out to lunch or the like -- nothing romantic. If you are clingy or desperate, this will push her away and reinforce that she made the "right" decision.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

It is up to you to decide how long you want to wait for her. You can keep hope alive, but you must also live with the reality of your situation:

This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.

She is currently happy seeing other men. Until or unless you can be one of the men she is interested in, she will not come back to you.

So the important part is to live your life. When you see her, be happy and upbeat. Get a life and do interesting things; these are probably the qualities that attracted her to you in the first place.

Work on re-establishing those ties with her, but not in the sense that you need her to be with you. Maybe make joint plans with her and the girls, or you might ask her out to lunch or the like -- nothing romantic. If you are clingy or desperate, this will push her away and reinforce that she made the "right" decision.

This is spot-on advice, Cade. ^

Puppy

[Cade]

thanks TrentC. I appreciate your advice. It is kinda hard to DB when we do not talk, and when I text her, she lets OM see text messages I send her. Sometimes I see progress but then again, I might be seeing what I want to see.

I would like for her to join us when we go out, but she is on the defense when I ask. And if I do ask, she thinks I am harrassing her. So, it is kinda weird sometimes.

I have a plan, and I have been DBing my butt off, but, wow, it really requires patients.

[Cade]

Thanks Puppy Dog Tails for responding. Any advise is very helpful. I try and try, get some progress, then no where land again. Any advise on how to ask her to join us?

[Wholeagain]

You could offer to make peace with her, as in "I want our girls to see that their mother and father are getting along. When you refuse to go out with us I feel there is a tension building between us. " Then offer your plan, where you would like to take them.

I don't think I'm qualified to give advice. I hope more people will give you suggestions.

[Bworl]

Have you ever seen the beef jerky commercial with the oriental business executive and his assistant?


The executive has just given a presentation and is enjoying a snack of beef jerky. The assistant comes across as a smothering butt kisser and mimicks everything the executive does, apparently to stay on his good side and receive his favor. He carries it to ridiculous extremes when the executive says he has to use the restroom and the assistant starts to go that way too. The executive looks at him oddly and asks if the assistant has to "go." The assistant says he could try.



I always want to smack that assistant upside the head.


I think many times we come across that way to a spouse or ex-spouse that we still have feelings for.


We tend to "hover" when they are around. We tend to find reasons or excuses to be around them or contact them. In what we think are subtle ways, we make our intentions or hopes known to them.


But they left because they wanted to get away from us. They, for whatever reason, no longer found us attractive. They want space and distance from us.


We keep finding ways to take it away.



The deal is that your ex-wife fell in love with you once before, so it's conceivable that she could fall in love with you again.



But not if you're doing all the things I mentioned above. Because understand this, regardless of what positive changes you think you have made, if you have not honored or respected her need for time and distance sufficiently (in HER eyes, not in YOUR eyes), then she doesn't see that you've changed one bit.




Give her space.

Give up on her, and give up on her and you as a team.

Become the best you that you can become.


Make your goal to find absolute satisfaction and contentment in your life apart from her.

If you can accomplish that, you might be surprised what time, distance, and prolonged and sustained changes from you might produce.



Blessings,

Bill

[jtish7234]

Bill,
How do you accomplish the distance and space when there are small children involved? I know my H, is very insecure when it comes to taking care of of a 3 yr old and 1 yr old. I currently bring my kids back to where we used to live, and stay with a friend while my H has our kids, just so I am close if there is a problem. I want him to be able to do it on his own, but I fear that if he gets discouraged or looses his patients, he may distance himself from our kids, and I don't want that to happen.

[TrentC]

How do you accomplish the distance and space when there are small children involved? I know my H, is very insecure when it comes to taking care of of a 3 yr old and 1 yr old. I currently bring my kids back to where we used to live, and stay with a friend while my H has our kids, just so I am close if there is a problem.

Question for you: how is he ever going to learn to take care of the kids on his own if you are close in case there is a problem? Think about the message you are sending to him: you are saying "I don't trust that you can take care of our kids".

I want him to be able to do it on his own, but I fear that if he gets discouraged or looses his patients, he may distance himself from our kids, and I don't want that to happen.

Your husband is responsible for making his own relationship with his children. You can't make him want to be a parent, or even be a particularly good parent.

[jtish7234]

Your right!! I do this more or less to put my mind at ease. You see up until my H came home one day and said he wanted a divorce I had never left my kids overnight with anyone. So this whole situation has helped me grow as a parent and in other areas of my life.