Ok - I know this isn't really the perfect forum for this....but this is the forum I have (with a lot of friends)......so here goes:
In an effort to raise my kids differently than I was (and because this is a different world than when I was a teenager), I have tried to encourage an open atmosphere about talking about our bodies and (now) sex. When I was 12 my sex talk with my mother was: so you know you're old enough to get pregnant? This was thrown at me while helping her fold clothes. I was completely embarrassed and of course said yes, and the conversation was over. My mother never told me about getting a period-----it just happened and it freaked me out. (OK - too much information here, sorrry). Anyway, I have made a point to talk to my girls about their bodies and the changes they would experience, etc......and had detailed discussions about periods and asked that they come to me with ANY questions about their bodies, sex, and anything else. It was awkward, but I think effective---I stressed to them that what they hear on the streets, isnt' exactly truth, and that I would try to help with any questions they had.
OK - flash forward to now. My D16 has been dating the same boy for 2 years now. She is a junior, he is a senior. We've talked openly about their relationship. I taked to her early on in their relationship about dating, and sex---and that it was not anything to get into until SHE was ready. I told her that I would RATHER that she waited until she was married, and 35----but that I know what it is like to "be in love" and a teenager, and that things can happen fast......that she needed to think ahead.
In December she had surgery to repair a twisted ovary (who knew that could happen?). In February her surgeon recommmended that she go on the pill for 9 months in an effort to regulate her periods (that were really messed up and because her uterus had such a thick layer, that she thought it necessary). So........we had the conversation again, about sex and being on the pill and that there was more to think about than just pregnancy.....emotional, disease.......she said that her and BF were not ready for sex, but maybe soon.........we talked briefly about it, and she said that she would let me know WHEN she was ready.
OK - not much time has passed, and last night she tells me that she thinks they may be ready. It took me off guard. I told her that I understood,but that it is HUGE. I told her that it will change their relationship forever, and that I hoped she had given it a lot of thought. UGhhhhhh.......on one hand I am happy that she can come to me and talk openly, but on the other, I don't think I'm handling this right-----I think there is more I need to say........I know I can't say NO---ABSOLUTELY DO NOT HAVE SEX.....help??? I would like to have some words of wisdom, on what I can say to follow-up----or more to say about what this will mean for her.
I've had sex with one man. The man that is now divorcing me. The man that I thought I would be with FOREVER. The man that is now an alien. We started dating when I was 14, and I feel like she is mirroring my life. It's a bit scary. I have to resist the urge to yell RUN for your life!!!!
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
hi, dianamo. i don't have any children, so i have no parenting experience. my SIL is 14 and very interested in sex, so i have tried to talk openly to her about it before but you really can't tell a teenage girl what to do these days.
it's wonderful that she feels close enough to you to say those things. i'm 30 and MARRIED (well, for now) and i STILL can't talk to my mother about sex. so i think it's great that she would even come to you and let you know when she thought she was ready. trying to talk her out of having sex probably would have the opposite effect. you know she is educated on the issues (pregnancy and STDs), and she is with a boy that she loves and has been with for a long time (for that age, especially!!).
do you not want her to have sex because you are morally against it or because you are panicked by the idea of your "little girl" becoming sexually active? do you like the boyfriend?
personally, i was 18 before i had sex for the first time, and it was a good time for me. i felt like i was ready. what else would you like to say to your daughter? you know she loves this boy. you know she is being honest with you. i probably would have been a LOT more open with my mom had i ever felt i could talk to her like your daughter talks to you. growing up for me, sex was something people did when they were married...i think i was 13 or 14 before i realized that it was physically POSSIBLE to have sex outside of marriage (thank you, catholic school sex education!!). she seems like she has her head on straight and in all honesty, you can't really stop her. show her that you trust her by letting her make her own choices. and remember your own experiences, too!
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
My DD is older than that now...you can't tell them not to, they won't listen and it will "go underground." My only request was for her to wait until she was out of high school. Did she? I don't know, but I think so. She started dating her BF in her jr. year also...they are getting married this year, five years plus later.
I don't have any expectations or real need to stop her. Yes, I wish she would wait, but can't say that I did......and I understand. I just wish there was something more I could offer about what this will really "mean" to her, to them and her future......from an emotional standpoint, from a parenting standpoint. I don't know, I just feel that this is so HUGE that I want her to know what she's getting in to. BUT, she is very smart. She has a good head on her shoulders, and the BF is a good kid. He once texted me to say that he really believed that my H and I would get back together.....
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
You might do a search to find recommendations from a guest Oprah had on last year on this very topic. Basically, the recommendations were to have a frank conversation with your child, primarily asking questions such as:
1. Are you willing to fully accept the consequences of having a child right now? No birth control is 100%.
2. Are you willing to fully accept the consequences of contracting an STD? Condoms break.
3. How will you handle a break up in the future? Can you handle the strong emotions if it comes to that?
4. Have you asked him to be tested and agreed to be tested yourself?
5. Have you had a conversation with your potential partner NOT in the heat of passion about the questions above?
The thing is, you can't stop her if she makes the decision. But if you ask those questions directly, without threats or judgment, she can think through the possible consequences and enter into a sexual relationship consciously rather than because she's got a lot of hormones spurring her on along with strong feelings about the boy.
For what it's worth, I think being open with your child is the best tactic. My mother wasn't open, she was threatening and made sex before marriage seem slutty and dirty. I know she was just afraid, but it's had lasting consequences on how I feel about sex and my ability to let go and enjoy it.
Finally, keep breathing.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
tell her she's 16 and he's 18 and it's illegal, tell her NO.
She's expecting you to tell her something, she doesn't need a best friend, she needs a parent, you're allowed to tell her what she must do, she's a minor, she isn't an adult yet, speak to her.
There is no excuse for teenage pregnancy, it's not just the kid's fault, it's the parents fault. Introduce some structure in her life and set some boundaries, seriously what else are you going to give in on? It's ok to drink & do drugs but you must do them in my home, I won't allow you to do at someone else's home or out on the street. WTF?!
I have a D18, and, I feel every pain you're going through. It's a really difficult job we have as a parent of a teen, right now.
I have to tell you this, based on success and mistakes...
I ALWAYS maintained the stance w/our daughter that... I may be a young Mom (to her), and I may be on the hipper side, as far as Mom's go, BUT I will NEVER be your friend. I am/We are, in CHARGE of you. We have personal responsibility for you. We have financial responsibiity for you. We have emotional responsibiity for you.
Our stance on sex is... you are not having it with our permission or help.
D18 was a HEATHEN, and we NEVER ONCE let her get away with any of her mistakes, late curfews, DRINKING, bad grades, etc... We had to KICK HER OUT Of the house last July, because after a string of MAJOR mistakes, she had taken my credit card out of my purse, and gottem a tongue ring and tattoo with it! (She's not brilliant... Gee, who was at xxxx Tattoo Parlor?) She was registered and packed to go to a major IL state university. NOT
She hated us (mostly ME) for months and months and months. She is now a 2nd semester A student Freshman at the junior college by us (paid for up front by herself, and reimbursed if she gets a 3.0), living in an apartment on her own (w/2 roommates, and it's CUTE), driving a car she insures on her own, and is FINALLY getting it!
She would have never been this successful in her life this year without drawing boundaries w/her, laying out the rules, and NOT giving in.
What does this have to do w/sex w/her boyfriend? This is what I've told D18. I don't trust you to take a pill everyday. I don't trust a teen boy to put a condom on correctly, in the heat of the moment. I don't trust your ability to handle the repercussions if any of that fails.
She probably still does it. But, I'll be damned if she's going to w/my blessing!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I agree with Robx. I think in your attempt to get her to be open with sex talks, you gave her "permission" to have sex before she's grown. The fact is, she may already have done this and she's "testing" you to see how you will really react to the news.
It was very difficult for me to think of my child in the same way. Not that I did not love her or anything like that, but once I discovered what was going on....I just knew she was not that innoncent girl anymore. I was very disappointed in her immature, unguarded actions and she knew I was not happy about it. There were a lot of health risks at stake for her (long story), but of course, she was terribly in love. That was suppose to make everything okay.
I do believe teens need boundaries and you need to let her know what you believe is right or wrong for her life. Yes, she will make the decision in the end,but she should have no doubt where you stand, and I think you have given her an invitation to have sex.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
