Messed up

[jt2007]

seeking I just read your first post about your sitch.
All of these stories just sound so fundamentally the same.

for the women...stay at home mom..why is that I feel like this is such a big part of thier MLC.

Its really effecting me and I am believing that I didnt do anything during these 16yrs at home..having babies and making homelife..and his career..

Mostly I think because there are regrets that I would have done more than I did do ...with kids and home..community.
MY Fantasy life...the one in the head...
not the one with all the ugly emotions, ups and downs of kids, and expectations from others.

It seems to me (X)H is reacting in anger towards me for not keeping up the Fantasy family.

seeking...my H didnt ever like to talk about what we needed to in order to achieve well rounded emotions ...it was just left up to me to "know" what he wanted or needed.

Anytime I brought it up ever since the beginning he would tell me I should know..I shouldnt have to ask him what he wanted if I loved him I should know him...well he never expresed stuff to me except negativity, and actions except provding money and thinking about us by buying things...were not very loving.

(dont get me wrong I LOved that part...but it was a weak link between us..money and the quick feel good it gives you goes away)

So I think this is part of the break down.
Communication instead of you should know because your suppose to love me and read my mind.

And believe me...because I wasnt a mind reader..I did everything everything that I felt like HE wanted it had nothing to do with me..

Also he never asked me what I wanted or liked he just did for me what he thought I wanted...
Even when I told him what I liked he still would ...for instance buy something for me that He would like ...not what I expressed an interst in.

He did everything for me that HE liked...I never realy showed appreciation for it...

I liked it in the end mind you..but the link I wanted was for him to connect with my wants and needs and he kept over looking that...moved right on past whatever I said.
umm...

I wonder if he felt burnt out from his role because he was trying to keep himself at a level of what his expectations were.

And now that I am not the same as him (in expectations) then we have a super disconnect.

...I started to get burned out and depressed from doing everything JUST for him, why wouldnt he get burned out just the same.

Towards the end...
I didnt care if I had the house perfect, I kept the garage a mess (even though I wanted it clean)...I would move everything out of the way and paint the walls of it (go figure..lol at my self right now)

I think I did a lot of things to spite him unconciously..and made excuses for them....all the excuses had to do with not having any support ..he never understood what that ment for me...He thought providing money was it and it wasnt, only part of it.

As I got burnt out, when he would complain I would ignore his request and complaints for things to be done.

For instance he really wanted pictures of family on the walls.

I never put pictures of us or the kids on the walls..I never did part because I hated everytime we did anything together.

.I could never go anywhere with him with out expecting it to be negative ../mainly finding some complaint about others or me. And every family picture we had reminded me of each of those times. Nothing ever light hearted or non embaressing to me or the kids.

I wasnt having that on the wall everyday to keep starring at me.
I should have put them up for when he was home and take them down when he left....hindsight lol...

I did keep up a picture book for each of the kids but that was it.
It was selfish and I admitt that. Mentally I just couldnt and still cant.

When he came back from his reuinon last July when all this OW thing started..that was one of the things he said to me..
All the couples there had smiling pictures together and seemed happy together.

Maybe from some stuff I did I am to blame for this,

in the end he does hate me, maybe I let him...

[seeking answers]

JT- Did you ever consider maybe the reason you're where you're at is that someone is looking out for you? That maybe this was done for you and not to you?

I admit I was very worried about you when you first came on board, but in your last few posts I believe you are really starting to 'get it'. No one should ever have to live in fear of the person they love. You sound as though you have really been looking in the mirror and examining yourself and starting to fix those things about you that were not allowing you to understand that you were worth a whole lot more than to be treated as your H was doing.

I am rooting for you JT, and we are here for you. Please keep posting your thoughts, feelings and dreams to us, we care and are listening.

(((Hugs)))

[jt2007]

This is true about not needing to walk on eggshells or live in fear of whats going to or not going to make someone upset at you.

I just wish he wouldnt have such a bad attitude towards me. I dont want him to find someone else he treats with a better attitude..not sure how thats working out for me...except I hate having the OW get the emotional attention that he was suppose to be putting towards us.
He has been upset with her several times right in front of me.
But..
Then again ..she doesnt live with him..
I did

The strong women he keeps talking about would never put up with his BS.
The situations I can imagine for him in a real relationship are either:
He would find someone that would be as weak as I was back then.
Or HE would turn into a weaker person to let someone else take him over.

Kind of think it would be the latter..just because the OW right now because she does whatever she wants and tells him the same things Iv been trying to tell him for years about himself and what makes him unattractive. Mostly his bulling, and attitudes...but HEY he is listening to her...
I asked him one time why...he said because he didnt respect my opnion because I had not been around other people or in the workforce...
Dont need to be in it to see it!

And when i would say something to him he would reply with "OW told me the same thing" so guess it is a good Idea
UMM still trying to figure exactly the psychology of what is happening here.

I never nagged him about anything, just if it situation came up I would tell him my thoughts.

So Im not sure if any of this is salvagable or workable...if he isnt willing to see any light ...should I Still try?

My birthday is comming up this week...so I m trying to brace myself for him ignoring me on that day.

Also divorce is comming up to be final in June...still trying to brace myself for that.. the final stepping off into im not sure what....with our relationship...dont know yet if he really still wants anything to do with me or is just putting up front untill the papers are final.

Not sure how he will react.

Im trying to find how some other similar sitch handled that time, and also what their xspouse did when it actually came to for the final divorce decree before the judge.

[jt2007]

Seeking, I read your post again.

I think maybe (X)H didnt enjoy treating me that way either. Maybe it was making him unhappy to treat me that way, so he acted out and just made things worse. This maybe why he told says he cant live with me.
He said when I do nice things it makes him po, I do nothing, makes him po..
I think he just has his own problems now.

Exactly why I think he fits the MLC

Somewhere in the middle of our marriage it was really good.
We both were communicating and doing well together..he wasnt the imature guy I married and wasnt a jerk.
Now he is just a jerk/alien.


But he still did act out, and he still went back to where he came from with his old highschool friends and meeting OW there, emotional affair-real affair/what ever dont care which anymore.
Instead of trying to work us out.

From his alcohlic stepmonster..we never allowed drinking in the house or around the kids. It was always just an occasional one with family on special occasions out.

Now..after Im not in the house...he wanted to bring it into the house, for his relaxation at night because he cant sleep...I told him he should look for alternatives than alcohol...to remember what his life was like with someone that depended on it.

BY the way other women drinks, and he thinks its having fun.
..when does this end...the having fun thing???
AND WTH...with the other woman acting like his stepmonster and him liking it???


He did admit to being "young and stupid" at some of the things I mentioned that he did when we were first married that were mistakes that didnt help our relationship.

So..good at least I got to hear that.

Ok so what about him now "old and stupid?"....can see it but waiting to hear it.

apologize for sounding a little crasp, having a WTH moments tonight.

[jt2007]

sorry but had to steal this from another thread just to keep it here as a reminder of why (X)H would act out against me with the kids:

Remembering this is His breakdown from somewhere within..not mine (initially) and the kids dont deserve either.

VIA JACK:

"The kids are NEVER a tool.

Should NEVER be viewed as such.

The MLCer might...but the LBSer never should.

They will remember how you acted, just as they will remember how he acted.

If you are mom...be mom, regardless of what 'dad' is doing.

You're an adult, you can suck up unfair and keep it from them as long as possible.
_________________________

[jt2007]

humble heart today...

I read the sermons last night on this resource thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=96158&page=1

Went to bed last night praying asking crying for a speck of light from H just let him at least tell me where he is at in the process somehow. Then I let it go like the sermons said.

Its been flooding and raining like wild fire around here. I called S to check on him, and then called H, he said everything was fine.
It rained and flooded more, I felt I needed to call later in the day to check. Good thing I did, I think God got two birds for one.
H was irritated I called to check and blessed me out and accused me of asking the kids questions about him.
I didnt and told him that I had not.
Let him have the rant w/o arguing, He said he was hanging up before he got more angry.
With out incident I said ok goodbye.

He called back within a few miniutes. He wanted to know who I talked to at home that told me where he was going.????

Well I hadnt talked to anyone...
So obviously he WAS headed towards a very very bad area that would have gotten him into a nasty weather situation..
I was shocked and asked him if that was where he was headed..and he said not anymore! So glad I listened to guidance voice to called when I did.

AND..for my light...
He said he wanted to talk to me about something..and didnt want a big conversation on it.
I said ok. And braced myself for something that was going to be devestating:
He told me ---

Please dont ask questions about me to the kids. I am not trying to hide anything, just asking that you talk to me about me and you be mom for the kids.

(I told him I understood)

*(OK..this was such a good point...I only occasionaly ask if he is awake or if he was feeling ok to check up medically because H wouldnt let me know--guess I wont do that anymore)

If I dont answer the phone when you call at that moment then:
I am going to be honest with you --I am going through some internal colflict about you,

sometimes I miss you

and and sometimes I cant stand the sound of your voice at that moment.


I dont know how long it will take 1yr maybe 2yr, I cant tell you (i didnt ask)

but if you cant take it at some point
(his tone was in an asking--in otherwords if you cant wait for me to work it out)

Then I expect you will probably move on.

(I told him "I am not on that path")

*(for me this means I am not looking to find someone or get rid of him-- just watching whats happeing with him and trying to work on and figure out me and how I can be better , my expectations for me, while keeping kids ok too-
-he is not helping them through this at all, so I am making sure I am "mom")

This is something I just have to go through and workout inside of me --and I have so much else going on.

--
( He mentioned several things --feeling overwhelmed by job expectations, having to travel with work, kids, home life gerneral keeping, bills, kids social life , his friends, guessing OW is still in picture (not sure), and ME---not to mention also his internal conflicts-)


(I told him I understood.)
He said OK,
He said he would talk to me later.
(I said ok)

--------------------------

I wanted to remember this conversation because for me, I feel a little more able to move on from there.
I feel like I have popped into something a little different...he is asking for his spaace...

and I dont need to be concerened about whats in it or if he is making it through it..I just need to let it be...that..let go of the space and time...It doesnt belong to me and him together right now..thats not what this is.

(I know all this is in the boards and good advice from others..but untill it really pops in place from reality..then its not really sinking in)

Im so thankful for this board and resources...((hugs))

[Marked&Healed]

Hi, JT. I said I would stop by and read, and I have started, just wanted to say I'm here for you. I didn't realize how involved your situation is, and I want to give it my full attention when I'm not in bed getting sleepy, so I'll write to you later.

You really need to take care of you and your children. I'm so sorry you found yourself here, but this may be the best thing for you. You've faced a lot that many of us here have not.

[jt2007]

Hi Passenger..thanks for stopping by.
its a little envovled and a little boring...mostly my ranting.
Im just trying to keep journal to see where things are and maybe see a pattern that might help me.

Im still looking to find the book.

The first thing that was said is I need to detach...sounds easy but I am so stuck in this phase...

Seems like I really just cant detach.....I feel a little progress towards it but not much.

I feel like there are so many unanswered questions and I cant accept some of the answers he has given me...
Some of the answers I feel like are truth about me and that hurts ..
...and some answers he is giving about himself in truth I just dont want to accept as real, because its such a reaction to the situation that he didnt want to work on with me. But fine for the other woman...??


So I feel unresolved at the situation that seems to not be fixable most of the time(sometimes I get little glimpse of hope that it will do it on its own..then the second reality hits me I say umm no it wont!)

...How can I detach with that nagging unresolved thing hanging around and angel devils talking to me on both shoulders.

I am a fixer upper, and it just me to believe in making up right away...thats why this is so difficult.

Any other thing we would have been upset at or if we hurt eachother, did something little then we would fight for a few and then get over it and laugh the next min.
It wouldnt be held on to.

WHY and WHAT is being held on to by him is whats getting to me...and having to see that in his mind I did something to bring him to that point of not wanting to be open with me/

I dont want the answers..he is giving...because what he is saying I did seems so simple and easy to forgive..

Were those things really that earth shattering and I just didnt realize I didnt understand him?? It seems to simple and easy to forgive what he is saying that I did.

He says he misses me sometimes..but is angry at me to..(why is he so angry at me...I cant stand having someone angry at me..I am not like that personally and never have been..I just cant phathem the "hate" or what ever it is he has for me..I DONT UNDERSTAND..
And I think maybe(not sure if its the real reason)---

That I cant detach because I need answers I need to know its ok...and he is not going to be walking around angry or hurt or upset at me.. ...and I cant make it better.

I just dont understand... it gets so confusing...I feel like Im having my own circle argument somehow..ugg

[jt2007]

Its been a long day.

Working out my mind what really is going on with (x)h.

I cant understand this because I have of mixed up lines.
And trying to untangle a few I have come up with this:

1. (x)H had.. maybe still is--having an emotional affair--
(as he has not taken her pic off his desk and says he will never stop being her friend)
--he has had several of these little affairs I noticed over the years now that didnt pan out for him.

he didnt believe there was any such thing as an emotional affair.But ..he was having it.(I have proof on disk--lots of text and emails--private conversations--meetings in front of kids so I wouldnt think he was cheating(why was he worried , I dint express a worry)--and not letting me speak with her or be involved with her before I know it was an emotional affiar)

2.
He brought it into our kids lives and family home instead of keeping it descrete-- letting it all roll out right in front of me

4. I have no Idea how in the world to compete with an EMotional AFFair---he has with a married woman-- who admitted (in emial to "fanning the flames")

Sounds horrible but I would much rather it had been a physical affair...at least I would know there would be hope he could come out of fantasy world with it.

5.
I dont understand what the stages of an emotional affair are

All I know is he is not getting over it.


6. He is also going through the MLC, his whole life is "crap"... and emotional affair


7. I gave him what he wanted that he asked for..kids house everything.
Now, he complains and gets upset and frustrated with it

8. I dont know how I am suppose to be a long distance parent.
Kids dont like talking for an hour to them on the phone
try to help with their homework, and talk about their day, needs and wants.
Both the kids and me are used to having eachother accessible at our convenience, for all those "little things" that come up....concentrated time seems to do away with that.

9.
(x)H says I am not being a mother I abandoned them..

.I remind him that I am further away and he was the one that forced them away from me he wanted a divorce and everything...I will always be what ever I can for them as close to what I have been for the past 16yrs their MOM..

sorry he is having to be a more envolved dad now..according to kids not doing to hot at it.

(yes I am feeling a little upset at this..and frustration)


10. He still says I make him cry when he thinks about me..wth

11. He says its all my fault , I was suppose to be "the one"

12. He has no faith he will ever have those emotions towards me, I am not capable of being what he wants, like OW, says if I was then He wouldnt have felt need to go to her



not to much clearer..but at least in some sort of string line.

[jt2007]

It was my birthday today.
I wasnt sure what to expect,

My son called me we had a nice talk about nothing particular...got to speak to all 4 of my sweeties...
I am suppose to go spend the week with them next week, they all are excited about it.

S also said (x)H had asked them yesterday if they had made a card for me..S didnt remind him..(x)H said it on his own.

Then (x)H beeped in..and said Happy birthday..and asked me what I would like to have as a gift..
I kind of had a pause...and he said ok..I mean "one thing I Can give you"

I said nothing I was good..and thanked him for calling.
He asked if I had anything planned with my mom and family..NO
He said that was horrible of them, said I was fine..have a day off of school..and its flooded so cant do anything anyway.

Im just wondering ...he said "anything he CAN give to me" ..means that he is still thinking about me,,is he still open to letting us try to work through?

Im not going to rehash it over and over like usual ..but I did have a nice conversation and am going to be happy with that.

It would have been very upsetting to me I believe if he had not thought about me at all.

I am thankful and it was a good gift, just what I wanted, a nice conversation.