We had a talk last week and he finally admitted what I've known for a while: he's not attracted to me. To hear it from him really sent my heart into my stomach. I knew then that the inevitable had to happen and we decided to separate.
He moved into the spare bedroom and seems like a new man ever since. He seems so much happier. He has started playing music again and actually went out with friends for the first time in months. I think he even got his sex drive back (but not for me, of course).
I suppose I'm happy for him, but in the meantime, my stomach is churning and I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of vomiting. It feels like a slap in the face how suddenly he feels so great, after months of being miserable.
I'm constantly paranoid, wondering who he's talking to late at night (is it that girl from work who is just like me but 10 years younger?)
We still have 6 months on our lease. If I can find an affordable situation to move into, I will, but at the same time if I left here I'd have to make sure he also got a roommate or something so he wouldn't have to break the lease that both of our names are on.
I can't handle living with him. I'm constantly tempted to snoop, spy and check up on him. I don't know why. I keep telling myself that it's out of my control, I can only control my own actions and nothing else, and that helps quite a bit, but the situation still feels like torture.
He acts like everything's ok, still talks to me like I'm his buddy, even tagged along with me and our mutual friends when we went out the other night. He says he's cool with living with me as roommates (of course he is, he hasn't lost anything. all the convenience of living with me, but none of that physical contact or romance that he dreaded so much)
It was my idea to seperate, I told him to move into the other room. Why does the situation seem to work only in his favor and feels like it backfired on me?
"It was my idea to seperate, I told him to move into the other room. Why does the situation seem to work only in his favor and feels like it backfired on me?"
That makes it hurt even more. I guess the best thing you can do is have faith that some day, you WILL feel better.
This is tough. He is just walking around like nothing happened, we're just friends. He even tries to hang out with me and have dinner just as friends.
It is torture.
His depression seemed to go away over night. I feel like I must've been the cause.
He's still getting phone calls late at night.
I really just want to find proof. I'm not sure what good it would do. I'm not sure if I'd even confront him about it. It's taking all my willpower not to smash his beloved ipod to bits, and I haven't even found anything.
I really feel like he is a coward, selfish and a child. A coward because he never had the guts to tell me he had a change of heart, instead I spent months and months trying to drag the truth out of him. That way he doesn't have to be the bad guy.
He's selfish because he wants me to stay in his life as a friend. I feel like he would be really hurt to lose our friendship. This is why he denies talking to suspected OW, because for him to tell the truth about it would be to risk not having me in his life at all. Again, cowardly.
This is torture and every day it gets worse.
I need to know what to do between now and the time we move out. I can't see his face because then I just miss him and forget what a worthless man he is.
I'm thinking about disappearing completely, to where we do not cross paths, making sure he's never home when I am, nor even let him hear me enter or exit. As if for all he knows I'm lying in a ditch somewhere. I feel like he doesn't even deserve to know if I'm ok or not.
I'm thinking about disappearing completely, to where we do not cross paths, making sure he's never home when I am, nor even let him hear me enter or exit. As if for all he knows I'm lying in a ditch somewhere. I feel like he doesn't even deserve to know if I'm ok or not.
Any thoughts?
I actually think this is a good idea -- not to punish him or try to make him miss you, but to help you move on. If there is any possible way you could get out of the house (or get him out of it), that would be even better. At this point the very best thing you can do is stop focusing on him and focus on your own wellbeing as much as possible.
....His depression seemed to go away over night. I feel like I must've been the cause.
...It's taking all my willpower not to smash his beloved ipod to bits, and I haven't even found anything.
...I really feel like he is a coward, selfish and a child. A coward because he never had the guts to tell me he had a change of heart, instead I spent months and months trying to drag the truth out of him. That way he doesn't have to be the bad guy.
...He's selfish because he wants me to stay in his life as a friend. I feel like he would be really hurt to lose our friendship. This is why he denies talking to suspected OW, because for him to tell the truth about it would be to risk not having me in his life at all. Again, cowardly.
...I can't see his face because then I just miss him and forget what a worthless man he is.
....Any thoughts?
Yes I do have some thoughts and they will be a little blunt. In addtion to lots of pain, I am reading posts where pain has been transformed into anger and possibly contempt.
My suggestion would be figure out how to work through your anger and reach forgiveness and then respect. If you can, you will be a much happier person.
Can you find joy in the fact that someone you use to care about is no longer depressed and have found a joy in life again?
Earlier posts (if I remember correctly) indicated that his not willingness to interact with life (i.e. his depression) were part of what you felt were a big part of your relationship problem.
I am reminded about a lesson I learn regarding change from an artisitc review of Japaneese samouri movies. In order to have a super hero, one must first have a super vilian. The lesson was that when a person wants to rationalize changing a significant relationship (job, significant other, friend, etc.), sometimes the easiest way is to demonize that "other." That makes letting go easier.
You might want to reflect on your anger and attitude toward your husband and then figure out if it is time for the two of you to part ways. If it is, then I strongly urge you to forgive him and part as friends. If it is not time to divorce, then fogive him and rebuild the relationship. He knows you and you are probably sending strong body language signals that you are angry at him and hold him in contempt. Such feelings are hard to miss with most people.
According to John Gottman, who is an expert on predicting divorce, one of the pricipal causes of divorce is "contempt" for one's partner. He views that as one of the strongest predictors of divorce.
Good luck to you and may you find the happiness you desire.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
It's usually the HD person who goes out and looks for answers or help, if you will. The LD individual is happy. They have life on their terms and the way they want it. And think again if you don't realize there is also an element of control here.
One of the sad things that's not often discussed is over time, we tend to lose all respect for our partners. Once that happens, the relationship is even harder to repair. GAL is a great philosophy and it ensures you will be able to go on even if the marriage doesn't make it. You will survive because you have a life. Once you are successful with GAL, you will likely have even less tolerance for your SO's lack of interest.
I've been keeping myself busy looking for apartments and working overtime. I have been living at a friend's house for a couple days. During the daytime, I've been feeling just ok, hanging in there and ignoring the hurt just enough to keep my cool. I've even been having some fun.
But at night when I try to sleep, there are no distractions to keep me from crying and wanting nothing more than to be in his arms. Mornings are worse. I wake up earlier than I want to and remember what's going on in my life and start the day off with a long crying spell.
YAH, I understand what you're saying. I've been creating anger toward him out of hurt, because the anger feels better than the sadness and longing. For a while, before we decided to seperate, I did have a little bit of contempt for him because I didn't think I was being treated fairly, but more importantly, because I could tell the end of our R was probably coming soon.
It's almost as if I've used the anger as a protective shield.
But the truth is that I'm not as angry as I sound, and I'm certainly not as angry as I was a month ago. The anger has been momentary (I think I post here when I'm angry because it's a better outlet than taking it out on him).
I have had a lot of anxiety, feel like my stomach is knotted up and can't eat much. I was constantly wondering what his relationship was with this younger woman he works with. The anxiety had been taking a physical toll on me and I felt like I just needed to know.
So I asked him about it and he said she is just a work friend and that they do talk at night sometimes, but that he also does a lot of talking about how bad he feels about letting me down. He said he wouldn't even think of seeing her romantically because their lives are in completely different places and that she is way too young for them to be able to really relate to each other.
I believe him because that's just what he's like. He's not the cheating type. He said he's still just as depressed as he was before, and that he has been trying to "do something different" to try to lift himself up, which is why he's been talking to friends again and playing guitar again.
After I asked him about these things, and got an explaination that I believed to be true, the anxiety and panic started to subside and I was able to eat again. I feel a lot better now that I don't have to wonder anymore, but it also leaves me to deal with the sadness and mourning of the relationship.
He accused me of being negative and only focussing on the bad times and that things were really good and special for a long time. But I just CAN'T think about the good times because it makes me hurt so much.
So yes, YAH, I have been creating anger toward him because it does make it easier to let go. It is hard when he is being so nice about everything and trying to be my friend. I feel like I'm losing a good catch and my best friend.
When I think about forgiving him, it seems there is nothing to forgive him for, that I know he never hurt me on purpose and wanted nothing more than to make me happy.
Believe me, this would all be a lot easier for me to let go of if he really was the jerk I've made him out to be on this message board. But the truth is that I'm terrified to lose the most caring, intelligent, sensitive and generous man I have ever met and even more terrified that I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop it.
He is still depressed and has been dealing with this cycle for many years and he hates it. He said he doesn't feel like himself and wants to get help and break the cycle for good. He's tired of hurting people this way and he needs to be on his own for a while to rebuild himself before he ever gets involved with me or anyone else.
He's ready to be friends as soon as I'm ok with it. He knows I need a lot of time but he said the sooner the better because he wants me to be in his life.
I'm staying busy and spending time with friends, trying not to self-destruct too much (drinking,smoking). I'm looking for apartments and truly believe this next month of moving and transition will be one of the hardest in my life. We moved to this city exactly one year ago, so my friends are relatively new and few and dealing with this is a little bit scarier without my old support system.
Sorry about such a long post. It's the only thing I can do to catch my breath between crying and hyperventilating. I'm just dealing with the ugly truth that the only thing that will make me feel better is time, and lots of it.
...I've been creating anger toward him out of hurt, because the anger feels better than the sadness and longing. For a while, before we decided to seperate, I did have a little bit of contempt for him because I didn't think I was being treated fairly, but more importantly, because I could tell the end of our R was probably coming soon.
It's almost as if I've used the anger as a protective shield.
But the truth is that I'm not as angry as I sound, and I'm certainly not as angry as I was a month ago.
....I have been creating anger toward him because it does make it easier to let go. It is hard when he is being so nice about everything and trying to be my friend. I feel like I'm losing a good catch and my best friend.
When I think about forgiving him, it seems there is nothing to forgive him for, that I know he never hurt me on purpose and wanted nothing more than to make me happy.
Believe me, this would all be a lot easier for me to let go of if he really was the jerk I've made him out to be on this message board. But the truth is that I'm terrified to lose the most caring, intelligent, sensitive and generous man I have ever met and even more terrified that I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop it.
I apologize if I was blunt before, but I wanted you to really understand what your posts were saying. They were saying to me that it was just a mater of time before your marriage was over, because that is what you seemed to want and yet there was a bit of not wanting that.
It sounds to me like you do understand and that you have been ventings, which is a good use of this forum (maybe let folks know when you are venting). As hard as it may seem examine your actions toward you husband and make sure that they are "loving" and not indicating anger or contempt. You may also want to reread the Montana wife story about the woman who refused to get sucked into defensiveness, fights or anger at her husband's mid-life crisis, but just offered love, opportunity, and space for him.
It sounds like you are afraid and would somehow like to regain the relationship you had with this man, but are struggling at how to do this. I don't think I have the answers, since it is different from my experience.
I would suggest that the two of you find a board certified sex therapist, or if that is not possible, go to a good couples retreat/weekend. MWD has serval good books on divorce busting and other authors have other approaches. It sounds to me like you and your husband need to start "courting/dating" again so that you build up the positive feelings between you. Then perhaps the sexual interaction that you need to feel validated by him will happen.
We all need the to feel loved, sexually desired, and cared for, it is part of our human nature. The book by Susan Johnson Hold Me Tight convinced me that my need to be held, touched and have regular sex was a natural human need. You may want to go to a library and read it. It helped me realize that I was normal in my needs.
Unless it is part of a well thought out 180, I would discourage you from moving out of the same apartment as he is in, as that will be just one additonal hurdle you will need to overcome to reconnect.
Good luck to you and I truly hope you find a way to connect with your husband and the strength to deal with what you are facing.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
As great as it is to think about reconnecting, he has made it clear to me that it's over. He wouldn't go to counseling or a sex therapist at this point because he sees the relationship as over.
It's funny that you mention the Montana wife, because that's what he's acting like. He is being sweet and nice and giving me lots of space and pretty much letting me call the shots as far as the living situation. The only difference is that he just wants to be friends and not save the love part of our R.
Usually when I'm drawn to posting here, I am so emotional that I guess I'm not always clear or consistent. Yes I do want to stay with him, but not if it means being with someone who is not attracted. That is torture.
I feel the separation is necessary and urgent before we do any more emotional damage to each other. If he wanted to go talk to a professional about it, I'd be more than willing, but at this point I've spent a year's worth of time and energy trying to keep us functioning as a couple that I just can't be the one trying anymore.
We're already making plans to move, have started separating our things, and have been strangers for almost two weeks. If I were to try to get close to him, he would certainly tell me it's inappropriate.
Yes, I initiated the separation, not because I wanted to, but because I couldn't take the pain of loving someone who did not love me the same way. It got to be too much. The rejection has eaten away my self esteem and body image and the anxiety has started to cause physical symptoms.
Since he moved into the spare bedroom, my anxiety has skyrocketed because I am supposed to stay away but it's very hard not to constantly have him on my mind when he's in the next room. This is why I haven't eaten and been nauseous and unable to sleep more than 3 hours a night. This is why I need to move.
If he were to come back and try to work on the M, I would probably take him back in a heartbeat, but it's on his terms now and I need to heal myself before my emotions and anxiety eat me alive.
