I thought I'd post this in the chances that it might help some people.
For those who don't know me, my husband is a WAH in MLC, and it's a really bad one, the thread is around here somewhere.
In any event, at the same time that this happened to me, one of my friends surprisingly called me up to say that she was in MLC and leaving her husband. Thought we should bond over this, lol, though she is WAW and I am LBS, so I don't find it very bonding. But she does talk openly about what she is going through, and you can see things that are not visable when you are actually involved in the relationship.
So for example...
1. She was "open" to finding someone for several years before she found the OM that she is currently with.
2. Why did she do it? I think she had unresolved issues about her life, a sort of misconception that she should have had more, been higher then she got. But it's a misconception because she really is where she should be, based on what SHE DID with her time and life to date. Her abilities got her to where she is, and her H is not responsible for what she has or has not achieved. She will eventually realize this, because her whole life sitch will not change, just a person or 2 around her.
3. The OM in this case will not get her to where she thinks she deserves to go, because it doesn't work that way. But she will not see that for some time.
4. Meantime, there's the hormones. Maybe 18 months or so from start of affair, and then they will wear off and reality will set in. We all know from our marriages that you don't have that giddy feeling forever.
5. Manipulation. Lots of it towards H. She doesn't mean him ill will, just means to be in the best possible sitch for her. If he goes with another girl, then her guilt over the affair is absolved, so she tries to push him as fast as possible to do that. He's running around doing all sorts of silly things, and it just amuses her and validates the mistakes SHE's making.
6. Money. Tries to keep him close enough and on budget so that she will have more money to set up a new life with. Hopes he will coparent the kids in this way for the next few years so that when they are a bit older he will just drift off to wherever he is going, and she will not have to pay the consequences up front of selling the house, or alimony, or child support, or loss of visitation time, etc etc etc.
7. She gets very upset when he goes dark, or doesn't help with her preconcieved projects towards this separation.
The DB advice would be better for him. I really think so. He should see a L and force her to see what it would cost her in terms of money and marital assets to go down this road, does she really want to start all over and in debt halfway through life? Probably not. He should also not help her and go dark. She will have to live with her decision, which is really not a better option then him and the kids. (Maybe for some it is, but for lots it's not, and this is one of them).
This is not a sitch where both wanted to part, and he seems to be giving away too much of his rights to try to appease her or win her back (I know how hard it is, I'm caught in the same circle in my sitch too). She might come back, but I can tell from how SHE talks that it will definately NOT be because he lets her do things. It would more likely be because she will realize that she lost a pretty good life, that she has to be the person she wants to be, and that he's a tough guy who can stand up for his rights and she would have to reprove herself to get back the father of her children and one of the best persons she could ever have had.
But she's "lost" in this MLC, I'm sure it's partly hormonal and that really changes the way one's brain thinks. She thinks she's awakening to a whole new revitalized world, and everything else should just be tossed aside for it. It's so strange.
And no matter what I say to her (and remember, I'm NOT emotionally involved), she seems to have an explanation and rationalization that she believes for everything (and they sound remarkably like what my MLC-H is saying, though they couldn't be more different folks, so weird!). It makes sense in her head, but alot of it is unrealistic, unthinking, is not sustainable in the long-run, or has hurtful repercussions that normally people who care about each other would not do.
And there's this strange boredom and depression intertwined with it. And anger, and calousness.
But the most amazing thing is, that after this long marriage she had, and a very nice husband (well, he's not perfect, but who is?), and great kids... she mentally is really not in the marriage. He can't beg to make her come back, he can't make her jealous, when he follows her suggestions she thinks he's foolish, and when he helps her it just furthers HER plan to move on. At least for this early stage (they only recently separated). It's so weird. The only things that seem to get her attention are things that indicate that he is not there as backup for her if things don't go the way she is hoping (which they don't!). The DB things really make sense.
