H has been in replay since 2007, cycles between the stages on a very regular basis. ILYBNILWY bomb dropped start of 2008, H has stayed home with now only one toe in the door. OW confirmed at end of last year, we are currently working on legal separation.
At the end of my last thread, the well suspected OW was confirmed and I was taken back by how hard having this confirmed hit me. I started DBing towards the start of last year, and H said the changes in me were amazing, but that he was set on his path of wanting to move out. Any attempt at any boundaries such an please don't spend our saving would move him closer and closer to the door. For the second half of last year he seemed to settle down in spending etc, but ramped it up again towards the end of the year.
Once I found out about OW, I waited about two months for my emotions to settle down the let him know kindly the day before he went to see his lawyer for the first time that I knew. He did not achieve anything in that meeting. I waited a month after that meeting, and was in the position where his spending and activities was such I needed to get the legal separation going to protect myself and my toddlers. As a current SAHM, I am 100% dependant on H for finances, and this is not a good situation to be in.
I am currently living semi rural and throught long and hard about staying here as it is our home, OW lives hours away in a big city and our toddlers love it here. But I would be tyed to H on a large mortgage and should he not be in a position to continue to pay, I would be well and truely stuck with a property very difficult to sell quickly and no chance of me getting a job with a decent enough salary to cover it here.
So I have decided to move back to the city where both our families, and OW lives. I can pick up my professional career there again if I need to, I have a much bigger support network and there are much more hobbies etc for me there compared to where I am living now. In short, I can live my life for me. I will be moving in a couple of weeks (assuming our Separation agreement happens). H plans to move to the same suburb so he can be with the toddlers too, although will not be in a position to get his own house for a couple of months.
I probably bottomed after xmas and found everything really hard. With the support of excellent friends, I picked myself back up and now feel my life spark burning stronger than it has for many years, I have the old me back. I have been able to forgive H, I found it much harder to forgive myself for my mistakes during our marriage. I have reached that place where I can forgive myself some days now, so are happy to take that for now.
I still suck at detachment. H is currently in major blame SR mode for everything, most things can bounce of my back, especially the "its your fault I spent all our money as you let me have access to it" crap. We are working on our Separation agreement ourselves as much as possible (I do have a lawyer, as well as a sibling who is a lawyer), so I get sucked in with that. Hopefully we will get the paperwork out of the way in a couple of months, but H is hitting full replay again, and OW (who has been described as a right peice of work, what she wants she gets and a real party animal) seems to be pushing for it and for H now to be nice, so I am not quite sure how long it will drag out.
Having two toddlers and H wanting lots of custody means we will stay in regular contact. He has never wavered to me that he is happy on the path he has chosen, but I have heard from his closest old friends he felt completely torn all last year. He is hell bent on pushing the Separation through as Snodderly predicted last year, a D would then be a rubber stamp towards the end of this year.
While I am the devil incarnate when he describes me to his new friends, we still get on well when he spends time with me. He is still very physically attracted to me, we can watch a movie and joke but while the OW is around he is emotionally bonded to her. I feel our story will be turtle paced. Snodderly suggested H was heading towards deep replay and would be likely to stay there for at least another year. H's parents D'ed but kept getting back together on and off for 20 years although his mother was stuck and did not get a new life at all. I am not that sort of person, I think deep down H thinks thats what I would be happy to do.
I have heard recently H and OW fight about her going out with her girlfriends, he does not trust her. She has set her sights firmly on him, he has blown huge amounts of money on her in the last 12 months, however, that is about to run out.
I have decided to relocate to where I can best continue my living my life to the fullest. I have no need for anyone else in my life, so can't see that happening in the near future, and I don't see H getting his act together for a long time, if he does, so will keep doing my thing.
Thanks so much to those who have been supporting me, you have helped be beyond what you hav imagined.
SR - I am so glad you came back and posted! I had been thinking about you and wondering what was happening.
Wow, your H does seem to be firmly in replay right now. You sound like you have picked yourself up and made some wise decisions for your and your kids and sound great!
With your H's parents' history I wouldn't doubt he has in his mind you will just stick around and wait for him.
Sounds like you are doing all things considered. Please keep posting so we can keep up with you!
Oh wow, thanks for that post SR. Saw you on TIF`s thread and yeah, I`d been wondering too.
Gosh,seems like we go through a watching paint dry stage in DBing and then very rapidly all hell can break loose.
And its a recurring theme of losts of threads that the WAS is often repeating patterns learned in childhood. They`re often soon filled up with pain they cant see their way out of it beyond blaming their spouses for everything.
Chin up girl-you`re a smart, strong, great lady.
See this as the best thing that ever happened to you. After all, there`s so much to learn in he DB university and you get to keep that learning.
Right now you`ve a lot of changes going on-the move to the city,settling the kids, and the separation. Be good to yourself. So glad you`ve friends and family to support.And glad you`re forgiving H because that`s the biggest kindness you can do for yourself and your kids.
I was about to reply when H came home several days earlier than he had said he would, just pulled up in the driveway and we then had probably the biggest touch and go since this crisis began. It was like the best of old times, and as usual he pulled away a few hours before he was due to go and ended up walking out of the house wearing a new tee shirt with "the end is nigh" on the front.
A couple of days later a rental property finally came through in the area I was looking so I ended up with two days to pack up the house and move, toddlers in tow. Sent H a text on the way to the new place saying I was on the way and he found it very hard, although knew I was about to move. Within a couple of days, I was contacted by his two oldest friends for the first time during all this, who I thought were very pro H, saying " just the kick up the butt H needed, we support you". Kind of blew me away and did not help my detachment very much!
So I am now reasonably set up in my new place, toddlers are ok but need a lot of TLC to adjust. They do not know about separation yet, that will be in a few weeks once H gets a place of his own. Oh yeah, H is currently on holiday on an island with OW which was booked several months ago. Doing ok with that in general, but hitting my detachment ability also.
I am enjoying moving back to the city. My next hurdle is toddlers are very very clingy at night and while I would love to be going out and having kid free fun for me, I need to let them settle into the changes first. I do have friends with kids similar ages so its still kids in tow for now.
Pretty intense few fews but a bit of breathing space now!
SR - Glad you gave us an update. I am very impressed that you were able to pack up and move in two days with small kids underfoot! You must be Super Woman.:)
You really sound like you are doing well. That detachment is so hard. I'm sure it was nice to hear that H's friends are supportive of you. Have you been looking for work yet since you moved, or just waiting for the dust to settle and kids to adjust first? They are having a lot thrown at them with moving, etc.
Nah, not Super Women, my packing methods would not have met the international standards of any packing association, thats for sure! One the the hardest parts was taking all my designer suits and rolling them into a garbage bag. One of the best parts was taking them out the other end and seeing they did not look too worse for the experience.
I am not actively looking for work right now, although the longer I leave it, the harder it will be to buy a house again later. Yep, toddlers have found all the changes pretty hard although would come through ok if they were not about to have to deal with living in two houses. My youngest in particular will find this hard and is still at home full time.
I will start going to networking meetings in my industry to get my contacts back up in the interim. My industry is not at all family friendly, so are currently identifying companies where I might get some flexibilty. I did pass on one CV and have been asked to attend a follow up meeting, so that was an ego booster, but not sure what the work is and right now would prefer to be there for the toddlers till the dust settles. I have also lined up a live in nanny (family friend toddlers know) for my first three months when I do work again, that would cost about one day work a week with free board, so looking for various solutions for when the time is right. It will also depend on how much H actually has the kids, compared to how much he says he will have them. That will become clearer in a few months!
Yep, get what you mean, H,s family have been very supportive as well, although that is also a reflection of the young age of our kids I think. Expecting that to wind back over time, although I have always got on well with them independant of H.
