Been reading the forums for a while, and have really gained a lot from it, but my situation is at the point now where I really need some advice.
I'll try to be as brief as possible here...
Wife left me 2 months ago. I got the "Love you but not in love with you" speech. She said she wanted a divorce. I did the usual flip out and beg her to come back, then realized that wasn't gonna work and just stopped.
She moved out 2 weeks later. We had little to no contact for about a month. Then we started to email each other a bit.
I tried to be light and happy in emails, but occasionally I would bring up the idea of trying to reconcile. She was open to the idea. She always made comments in her emails about stuff like "And if we are able to work this out... blah blah blah" and so on. Even her close friends told me that she had said things to them that made them think she was open to the idea of us getting back together.
So I finally broke down and told her that I would like to see her again, and see if we can do this. Start slow, get some coffee or something, date a bit, and see what happens.
She asked me out for a few drinks 3 weeks ago.
We went out for drinks and had a great time. I didn't bring up our relationship, or the past... It was really like a first date. We kissed at the end.
I asked her if she would like to see me again, and she said she really would, so the next week we spent a whole day together. We had an awesome time, again, and were very affectionate.
I talked a little about our relationship that day, but she didn't seem to mind. I asked her what she felt like we were doing here, and she said we should just take it slow. I agreed. Over the next few weeks we talked a lot. Not about the relationship... Just talking, and it was nice.
Although, I felt bad, because I was getting nothing from her as far as feedback. She literally never brought up our relationship (which I understand is normal) and she never went out of her way to contact me.
I was very uncomfortable with one thing. Dating other people. I had a feeling she was, and I had been, but we never really brought it up.
Then one day on IM she asking me if she could ask me a question with me "getting weird on her"... I said sure.
She asked me if I was dating... And the answer was yes, and I told her yes, and then I proceded to get weird on her... Telling her I wasnt sleeping with anyone and it didnt mean anything and it wasnt what she thought and basically made a fool out of myself.
Her reply was "I was just curious, calm down".
I then made a bigger fool out of myself by bringing up the past, talking about "us" and basically annoying the hell out of her.
Ugh.
That did finally bring to the forefront something that was really eating at me, and that was that I really felt that while we are seeing each other and "trying" that we should not be seeing other people.
I finally got up the guts to talk to her about it, and it did not go well.
I was very calm, and very understanding about what she wanted, but I made it clear that while she is seeing other men and I am seeing other women, I didn't think we should be seeing each other.
She got mad, and said these things to me.
She WILL NOT be exclusive to me.
She did not want to get back together with me in the first place, and was only seeing me again "just to see you again".
I was crazy for even asking.
All the changes I made in the past few months were a lie to trick to into coming back.
She still wants a divorce.
She wont stop seeing other men.
As you can imagine, this hit me like a brick in the face... Then she immediately started backtracking.
I told her that I would not compete for her with other men... She said I wasn't competing because non of them were "serious".
She then said something that amazed me... She said she wanted the divorce because she felt like if we were going to be together we had to "start over for real".
I just don't know what to say to her now. That convo was about a week ago and we haven't talked since.
I decided that I wanted to divorce her after that convo, made an appt. for a lawyer, but I cancelled it.
I DO NOT want my marriage to end, but I feel stuck right now. I feel like I ruined any chance I had with her with that one conversation last week.
I have ordered the DB book, and will not contact her again until I read it.
What do you all think? Did I blow it?
What should my next move be? Should I just go completely dark on her? I have t be honest and say that I am considering divorcing her myself now, just to get it over with, but I feel that is a pretty weak reason to do so.
Any advice or comments are greatly appreciated as I have no idea what I'm doing now.
I was very calm, and very understanding about what she wanted, but I made it clear that while she is seeing other men and I am seeing other women, I didn't think we should be seeing each other.
I told her that I would not compete for her with other men...
I'm not sure this is really the message you meant to send.
Unless of course you had already decided to end the marriage.
One of the foundational ideas of DB'ing your marriage is to work on yourself to make yourself the more attractive choice.
That sounds like a competition of sorts to me.
Yes, but it should be an UNCOMMUNICATED competition. I think it's perfectly acceptable (and usually advisable) to state your own boundary of "I will not compete for you with other men." But that's gotta BE your real boundary. If it's not, then don't communicate it.
I think the best approach to DBing, when there is infidelity involved, is to absolutely let the cheating spouse know up front that you refuse to live in an open marriage. And then you set about to working on yourself, fixing those things that are LEGITIMATE (not affair fog-induced) marital complaints. But these should be things that you are doing to make yourself a better person, for this marriage or a subsequent relationship if this marriage doesn't work out.
I agree PDT. I think his line should have been to THAT effect, not what he said.
"I'm not going to share you with another man, and I'm not going to be in a marriage relationship with someone who wants to be involved with other men."
One sets a boundary.
The other says I'm not interested.
Po-tay-to, po-tah-to perhaps.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Isn't it a little disingenuous to tell her that she can't see other men, when you yourself have been dating other women?
What I was requesting of her was that while we were seeing each other, we both stop seeing other people.
Originally Posted By: Steve McQueen
sounds like you dumped her. nice job.
"She wont stop seeing other men."
This is how I feel...
Originally Posted By: Bworl
I'm not sure this is really the message you meant to send.
Unless of course you had already decided to end the marriage.
One of the foundational ideas of DB'ing your marriage is to work on yourself to make yourself the more attractive choice.
That sounds like a competition of sorts to me.
So, anyway....
What DO you want?
Bill
I want my wife to be willing to give our relationship another chance. You're probably right that I sent the wrong message. The message I wanted to send to her was that I was willing to take as much time as we needed to kinda get to know each other again, and see if we can work this out, but I'm not willing to do that while there are other men in the picture.
So yeah, this is good, this is what I needed to hear.
I guess I don't know what to do now.
Not being "involved" with her while there are other guys in the picture IS a boundary I set, but I think from your all replies that I set it in a bad way.
Should I email her, so that I can gather my thoughts without the freak out mode I seem to go in when we talk?
Or should I just go completely dark and never contact her again?
I feel like I can't just say "oh, nevermind, i didnt mean it" to her, but something along the lines of "I'm sorry our conversation the other day went as badly as it did, and I'm still open to us working it out, but I just wont be in an open marriage"
Or something along those lines?
What do you guys think I should do?
I DO want to work things out with her, I'm just struggling with the things I am and am not willing to put up with to do that.
Again... Thanks for the replies. The reason I strated this thread was because I am totally lost as to what to do now.
I wouldn't pursue her right now. Let it rest and get on with your own life. I'm sure there are things that you can place your focus on that would be good for you.
Trust me, the marriage is not ending anytime soon because of your conversation.
If the topic is brought up again, BY HER, you can clarify that you are not interested in being one of her dates, and that as long as she is seeing others you are not interested in seeing her. Or however you want to put it.
I will say along with Puppy though, if you want her to date only you, then you shouldn't be dating either. Unfortunately, I think you attached more significance to your time together than she did.
You know that chances are that she took your willingness to hang out together as a sign that you were ok with her stepping away. Some clarity needs to be brought to that matter when the opportunity arises.
BIll
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I hear you, and I think a big reason I flipped out on her like I did was because I totally put more signifigance on us spending time together than she did. I was in full on "win my wife back mode".
I would very much like for us to only date each other, but I had no idea how she felt about it. I would drop dating all together in a heartbeat if she would agree to see only each other.
I guess I'm just worried that now I am never going to hear from her again, or get another chance... I wish there was something I could do to make that not the case, but I also agree that is probably best for me to just stop pursuing.
