New and needing help...

[MeMyselfandI]

Hi, I've been lurking here for a couple of months and just received my legal separation papers from H's lawyer. A brief overview is that we have been M for 7 years, T for 13 years. Two beautiful children, D-10 and S-8. We have had problems throughout our marriage but #1 thing it all boils down to is neglecting eachother and neglecting our marriage. We have never taken the time and always had bandaid solutions to get us through every difficult situation so there has been much time for things to build up over the years.

H has decided it is just time to move on and that he does not want to be sitting here, 10 years down the road wondering why we stayed together. It has been a fast track to the legal separation since he dropped the bomb on December 17th and I have been a whirlwind of emotions, although trying very hard to apply DB techniques, I have slipped up.

I recently discovered he had some secret online XXX-dating accounts that he had set up in February 2007. The one that really threw me was where he stated that he was Bi-curious and was looking for another couple to join in their fun. His sex drive has been increasingly demanding over the years, not just in quantity but in variety and needs. He spilled a whole bunch of fantasies to me back in November 2009, including that he wouldn't mind being with another man or watching me be with another man. Although some alarm bells went off, I thought he was just trying to test me, to open up and to help us. He also admitted to pleasing himself to online videos quite frequently after I went to bed. I have been doing a lot of reading up on the escalation of his sexual tendencies and fear he may be a sex addict.

It scares me, but I also want to help and I so want to keep my family intact. He is set to move out in early April and I think time apart may be the only thing that will save us right now but I'm not sure what my next steps are. We will be sharing custody of our children and I really need help to be able to communicate effectively throughout this for the sake of the kids and all I feel is complete anger, resentment and betrayal right now.

[lees]

I'm pretty new here too, so not sure I can offer any sage advice.

Hang on in there. Look after yourself and your kids first of all.

I'm thinking of you.

[MeMyselfandI]

Thank you for the welcome lees and I will read up on your sitch. I'm finding it hard not to blame myself for maybe driving him into a world of online XXX which has maybe been what has caused this escalation. I try to reason with myself that this is just not something anyone would do to someone they loved but I just don't know.

[12bar]

Sorry you find yourself here but you will get a lot of support and help from the folks on this forum. I agree with your assessment that your H is a sex addict and I know that has to be a hard thing to deal with. I don't have much specific advice except that I think establishing boundaries will be very important. There is a very good thread on boundaries somewhere on the newcomers forum so check that out if you get a chance..

I'm finding it hard not to blame myself for maybe driving him into a world of online XXX

We are all responsible for our contributions to M problems but never blame yourself for someone's addiction. You can't push anyone into addiction. Addictions are a result of poor coping abilities.

Remember that you can't "fix" him even though you want to help him. Only he can fix his problem with sex addiction. Focus your energy on changing yourself and creating a good environment for you and your kids. Some veterans will be by soon with a lot more wisdom than I have to offer but until then, hang in there and keep reading.

[lees]

We all go through the blame stage. As long as eventually you come out of it with healthy knowledge about how you can improve yourself rather than endless beating yourself up with "what if's" then you'll be fine. I've not quite made it yet, so I understand it's easy to say but difficult to do. I think we all are 50% of creating the situation which allowed the problem/affair etc to occur, whatever it may be, but in the end only the individual can choose to act. Him choosing to puruse the online dating was a choice he made.

Have you talked to him about your feelings? Pornography is something that many people accept in their lives and it may be just that you are coming from different viewpoints and need to understand each other's view and compromise. The dating is different beast however.

[MeMyselfandI]

Thank you both for your responses. I looked up the thread on boundaries and that is very helpful. I'll be working on some of my own. Lees, we had talked about pornography in the past, like a long time ago and I said that although I was not completely comfortable with it, I would tolerate some. It was the point of him admitting to using it "almost nightly" that really got me. I haven't always been the best providing him with his needs in that way, although I have tried and we did have a really good period for a while last September - November. My problem was, I never felt that there was any love or intimacy involved in our love making. I felt that no matter what I would give, he always wanted more, different, better, etc. I always felt somewhat objectified and used. When I read up on porn use and sexual addiction, these are some of the things that they say are symptoms.

I have not told him about the sexual addiction thing, nor really confronted him on the bi-curious posting on the online dating site. I'm not sure how to even approach it seeing as he will be moving out next week. Do I even approach it or just worry about me and leave it alone. I also worry a bit about the kids. He has always been a great dad and the kids love him dearly but I feel like I truly don't know him right now and I don't know what he may be capable of. It almost feels to me like I'll be handing my kids over to a stranger every other week.

[Marked&Healed]

In the meantime, take care of yourself. Don't forget to do something for you every day, GAL if you don't have one. Detach lovingly. I don't have much other advice, other than to say my heart breaks for you.