This has been such a roller coaster ride.After almost 27 years of marriage,together 30 I just can't understand what my wife is doing.We have been seperated with D papers filed and then canceled and moved back in together.Been back the same roof for two years now and things have been from warm to cold mostly roommates not like husband and wife.I had been sleeping on the couch recently because she became uncomfortable with us being in the same bed.I have tried being the nice guy and keeping the peace for our kids and because I love this lady and do not want to lose her,well I decided to move back into our bedroom the other night and she was already asleep when I went to bed,she woke up a 3am and realized I was there and went to sleep on the couch.Now she is out of town for a couple of days and sent me a text saying "I do not know why you were in bed when I woke up but if you plan on staying in there I will make other arrangements for me" I sent one back saying"I was in our bed because that is where I'm supposed to be,it's plenty big enough and I will have no problem staying on my side" She sent back"There are not any sides anymore it is my bed,do you want me to move out?" I sent back "You already know that answer" So I don't know what she will do when she gets back but I feel like I have just been letting her live her life and do her thing and have kept from rocking the boat hoping things would change and by me being more selfless and loving that she would come around and recommitt to our marriage. It hard to understand what she is thinking and why she seems determined that we are over and she is just putting in her time until the kids are grown and out of the house. We are both Christians and I know she knows D is wrong,there has been no abuse or cheating and I really do not believe that there is another man in her life now,I just think her heart has grown cold toward me and she whats her freedom. I am a confused and hurting husband right now all I know to do is continue to pray and put it in his hands.
Married 28 yrs Seperated 6 mths Rec D Papers 11/24 W Canceled D Moved Back Home 3/1/08 2 Kids D23 and S16 Trying 2 Put R Back Together
Good for you for sticking up for yourself regarding the bed, HHIF! If she's not comfortable with you there, SHE can sleep elsewhere, including another home if she wishes.
You've seen what "trying to make her happy" has done -- it doesn't work. It only creates a sense of entitlement. Time to live your life. Don't be a DIKK or anything -- just kind, civil, but assert your own needs and wants and preferences.
Our God is a God of STRENGTH, as well as compassion. Maybe thru this ordeal, He is trying to teach you some things. I know He was for me.
Definitely the right move to get back in the MARITAL bed. If she doesn't like it, let her make other arrangements.
Time to focus on YOU, who you are, what needs to be worked on, and making YOU happy. Probably the last thing you want to work on right now, but it is absolutely necessary. This stuff is a tremendous blow to the LBS' self confidence. Working on you (a) helps pump up your self confidence and (b) shows her it isn't ALL about her - you will live your life to the fullest whether she chooses to be in it or not.
Thanks ,I know what you are saying is right on target,I have allowed her to live her life the way she wants and she knows that I am there for her.She knows that I love her and I want to rebuild our marriage but she just treats me like a friend,she is not cruel or nasty toward me just not loving like a wife should be. I know God has a plan for us and there is no doubt that he has already taught me and changed things in me that needed to change. I was very jealous and controlling and that is part of what pushed her away,but I'm allot more at peace now and do not freak out about where she is at or what she is doing,I still think about it but it doesn't consume me the way it used to
Moving back into the MB was the first step in me standing up for myself,she is perfectly welcome to stay in there but I'm not moving out.This is really the first thing that I have done in two years that has pissed her off and it feels kind of good but scary at the same time because I do not want her to move out but know it's her choice. She needs to start to deal with her choices,our kids have both made comments to me about why is Mom being such a butt.
Married 28 yrs Seperated 6 mths Rec D Papers 11/24 W Canceled D Moved Back Home 3/1/08 2 Kids D23 and S16 Trying 2 Put R Back Together
No and that of course was my first thought when we separated was that she must have another man,but there is no evidence that any of that is going on.She goes to work and comes home has dinner and then goes to her room and watches TV and plus even though she is making me crazy I just don't think she would do that,she still wears her ring and while we were separated I told her if she felt like she needed to go out with other men then she should do it but she said she could never do that while she was still married.
I am the only man she has ever been with,we met when she was 15 and married at 19,that is part of this whole thing she had a counsler tell her that because she married young that she never had a chance to find herself so that is when she started wanting to do her own thing so she could find herself and I guess she is still looking.
Last edited by HHIF; 03/27/1002:09 PM.
Married 28 yrs Seperated 6 mths Rec D Papers 11/24 W Canceled D Moved Back Home 3/1/08 2 Kids D23 and S16 Trying 2 Put R Back Together
...I decided to move back into our bedroom the other night and she was already asleep when I went to bed,she woke up a 3am and realized I was there and went to sleep on the couch.Now she is out of town for a couple of days and sent me a text saying "I do not know why you were in bed when I woke up but if you plan on staying in there I will make other arrangements for me" I sent one back saying"I was in our bed because that is where I'm supposed to be,it's plenty big enough and I will have no problem staying on my side" She sent back"There are not any sides anymore it is my bed,do you want me to move out?" I sent back "You already know that answer"
My answer back would have been, "...I've slept on the couch long enough, that is MY bed and bedroom as well as yours and I don't like your attitude. If it's that big a deal for you, you sleep on the couch for months and let me know how it works out for you, as for me, I've decided I'm sleeping in this bed from now on, you choose what you want to do. Why did you come back if you don't want to be married?"
She has alot of attitude. You said she's not cruel to you, I consider a text message like that cruel and disrespectful.
And since you don't consider her cruel and disrespectful, I have to assume she does alot of things to you that you just let slide and she's been used to getting away with treating your poorly. It's tough to admit some times especially when you're a man and you're supposed to be tough and just take it but the other part of that is not allowing others to openly disrespect you. You said it yourself, it was scary to stand up for yourself, another indication that she's been treating you poorly for such a long time and if you really want this relationship to have a chance of turning itself around, you're going to have make alot of changes with regards to how you let others, specifically your wife, treat you.
You will also see in time that you need to really bump up your self-esteem, self-respect, self-worth, etc. She obviously can tell you don't care alot about yourself so she treats you accordingly. You show people that you have high value and think highly of yourself, they will treat you accordingly.
Let go of the people that don't value you or the relationship they have with you, those people will only continue to disrespect you and hurt you because they're used to doing so.
If she really just wants to be a room mate and not a wife, if she really wants to disrespect you and treat you poorly, if she doesn't want to love you or care for you the way you want to love & care for her, tell her it's ok if she goes, you won't stop her, in fact you will help her move out this time and you'll do it with a smile on your face.
Alot of what you will learn on this forum is counter-intuitive, it is the opposite of what you think would work but it is what works. Hopefully you've seen thus far that being Mr.Nice Guy gets you no where, after a while, people get tired of you kissing their ass.
As for the infidelity issue, just because you didn't witness it or have any proof doesn't mean it didn't happen, she has those certain characteristics in a WAW that seem to point in that direction.
...I am the only man she has ever been with,we met when she was 15 and married at 19,that is part of this whole thing she had a counsler tell her that because she married young that she never had a chance to find herself so that is when she started wanting to do her own thing so she could find herself and I guess she is still looking.
- another indication that she's on the prowl, so finding someone else is going to allow her "to do her own thing"?
What was quoted above is part of a long list of things regularly spewed out of a WAW's mouth, it's called WAW script.
It's just her rationalization for wanting to have sex with other men, it's ok, as ugly as that thought may sound to you because you want your wife to stay with you, the sooner you acknowledge this, the sooner you can get to work on this.
. . . while we were separated I told her if she felt like she needed to go out with other men then she should do it . . .
And for THAT, you get accused of being "jealous and controlling?"
I'm trying to be to this accusation of hers. Is this a RECENT marital complaint, or has it always been so? WERE you truly jealous and controlling, or has she just convinced you that you were?
No and that of course was my first thought when we separated was that she must have another man, but there is no evidence that any of that is going on.
