I have been through alot of ups and downs with my H over the past six weeks. He began spewing at the kids who have cut H off due to his behaviour and the continual hurt. The spewing initially started in response to my daughter17 telling him to leave her alone. He had been trying more than usual to get her to text him. (she hasn't spoken to him since he left as OW was one of her frineds) The texts had been increasing. Out of the blue I got a text the next day saying 'Hi I think we need to talk about divorce' This is the first time this has ever been mentioned. I ignored the text after reading the advice on DB, saying how they just don't know what they are saying half the time. I heard nothing for 6 days. My daughter then was talking to MIL and the spewing started in response to something she had said. (agian by text) It was nothing to get upset about and was just a normal conversation. In his text he said 'I take it you won't be coming to my funeral' She ignored this but as you can imagine she was very upset. The next day is when I got the text saying 'I am very upset by the hurtful things D is saying, if she carries on I may as well not pay anything towards her.' The texts are worded very much like he is having a tantrum all the time.
This contact via text comes after 4 weeks of Withdrawal. His health is suffering, he is in debt, has no money, working two jobs,and from what I am told is very depressed. He has gone backwards it seems to me, but as you have said before, they are all over the place. Previously he had been texting me during the day from work. The texts where lighthearted. Asking questions about the kids, home etc. He was in contact with my family again. But throughout all this OW is still definitely in the picture. He is spending all of his time with people in the 19-25 age range. These are his 'new' friends. He is 46.
On Sunday H text S saying 'As you are not talking to me then I am going to say Goodbye for good' He then went on to say 'I know I have hurt you, I am sorry' This is the first time he has said sorry or that he has hurt the kids? Do you think this is the fog lifting, or just touch and go's.
I have been going through this for nearly 2 years now. Surely He has to be coming to the end soon.
Sorry if this seems all over the place but his moods seem so erratic recently. Like they were at the beginning.
I am just having a bought of frustration I think after a busy day at work.
A started around March 08 Moved out Dec 08 Returned Dec 08 Saw H go through depression/Withdrawal/1st stage of Acceptance ILYBINILWY June 09 Moved out again June 09 OW moved in August 09 Depression/Withdrawn Sept - Dec 09 Mixed contact Jan 10 onwards - Contact varies between spewing at everybody and friendly. Has recently started to talk about feeling hurt himself and Sorry for hurting others.
It sounds to me like he is in replay. All the spewing and divorce stuff. Is there still an OW? If so he is still in replay. He might be somewhat peeking out of his tunnel but his actions really seem to indicate that he is in replay'
Have you read the resources? I just posted some links on AMG2 thread. You might also want to read the stages of the LBS.
Sorry you are here but make the most out of the time that you are being given by your spouse.
Thanks OP Yes there is still OW. Same one all the time. (friend of D) I am read the stages of Midlife Crisis, and I am seeing that my H has been in MLC for possibly about 4 years. Thanks for posting the links.
I recieved an email today also saying that it is killing him that our D is not talking to him. She has had NC for 8 months now. She told him at the beginning, If you choose her,you loose me! The contact I have seen is seeming to go in 2 day cycles at the moment. e.g. spewing withdraws for 2 days contact by text for 2 days withdraws for 2 days.
Thanks again for all your relies and support. I do appreciate it.
Thankyou seeking answers for your reply I have taken the fact that he is recently saying that he is hurting as a small step forward. Also when he said to our son(12) I know I have hurt you I am sorry. I also took that as a small step. He has not talked about his feelings before. I have been on this ride for a long time, and I know that however much patience I have, it is going to take a heck of a lot more. Me and the kids have come along way from the crying mess he left behind without a care. We have all had councelling and are closer than we have ever been. We are a strong family unit who are there for each other. No matter what we know we are going to be ok. I am hoping you are right SA and that maybe the consequence of NC with his D maybe the thing that 'wakes him up'. I still imagine life with OW to be a 'bed of roses'. Even though I have read that this is never the case. I still cannot imagine what OW(19/20) is seeing in H(47).
HFC, OP is spot on. OW is looking for daddy, and he's looking to recapture the youth that he's lost. This type of R seldom works out, especially with the sitch that it began with.
hopingforchange, I have been on this ride for 5 years now, I read your sitch and it brought back memories, as far as I can work out I dont think its reconnecting or small steps forward, I have witnessed all this and more and then its back to square one, I think what you are seeing is just part and parcel of the rollercoaster ride, and remember whatever the ride is all about them and no one else, take care be strong and look after yourselves
