As an update, W is back in her storm. There have been lots of little touch and goes to go along with the big one of a month or so ago. For the most part, W is back in the tunnel.
There have been observable baby steps. She is connecting with the kids more now. She even mentioned dropping her Sat. morning class so she could make it to S7's baseball games. We have gone out to lunch and/or dinner together as a family at least once per week the past month. The two of us are planning to go out to a dinner/dance next weekend. I am enjoying those moments for what they are and not reading anything into them.
MC is mostly a waste of time and money at this point. The C has no clue about depression and MLC and despite the fact that she says she isn't trying to make a decision for us, the last session she told us that it appears to her that we have "irreconcilable differences."
Despite that, W still isn't sure of what she wants - or maybe she is too afraid to actually leave. She still thinks that I should be the one to move out of the house. I've made it clear that I won't be leaving. For the time being we have agreed that we will continue to live essentially as roommates.
I continue to work on myself and focus on the kids.
Me: 43 W: 40 S10,S7 M12, T13+
My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1952314&page=1
Despite that, W still isn't sure of what she wants - or maybe she is too afraid to actually leave. She still thinks that I should be the one to move out of the house. I've made it clear that I won't be leaving. For the time being we have agreed that we will continue to live essentially as roommates.
Well, that's ONE step forward, agreeing to live together as roommates.
Small step, but at least one..and you're right, she's afraid to actually leave, but you don't need to, either.
So, you both are at a stalemate for now...keep us posted.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Living as a roommate might be a good start. It allows you two to at least be together with and maybe a chance to re-establish your connection.
I reread the posting. In this situation living as roommates is a step in the right direction. The wife is currently living outside the house in a hotel.
Going from being intimate and sleeping as husband and wife and going to roommates sleeping in different beds in the house is a step in the wrong direction and painful for the one "who cares".
As an update, W is back in her storm. There have been lots of little touch and goes to go along with the big one of a month or so ago. For the most part, W is back in the tunnel.
There have been observable baby steps. She is connecting with the kids more now. She even mentioned dropping her Sat. morning class so she could make it to S7's baseball games. We have gone out to lunch and/or dinner together as a family at least once per week the past month. The two of us are planning to go out to a dinner/dance next weekend. I am enjoying those moments for what they are and not reading anything into them.
Originally Posted By: Cyclone
MC is mostly a waste of time and money at this point. The C has no clue about depression and MLC and despite the fact that she says she isn't trying to make a decision for us, the last session she told us that it appears to her that we have "irreconcilable differences."
It sounds like the MC has not done their job.
Originally Posted By: Cyclone
Despite that, W still isn't sure of what she wants - or maybe she is too afraid to actually leave. She still thinks that I should be the one to move out of the house. I've made it clear that I won't be leaving. For the time being we have agreed that we will continue to live essentially as roommates.
I continue to work on myself and focus on the kids.
You should not leave and should not leave. She is the one with the problem, and she can't make you leave.
DO NOT go back to that C. Holy cow, how to NOT be a good counselor in a nutshell. How dare the C pass judgment on you like that. Their job is not to tell you when to quit... YIKES, I'd be so angry if someone said that to me.
I was angry with MC at first but then the more I thought about it the more I realized that it may be the best thing. Besides, I won't quit just because someone tells me to. I get to make that decision.
The good thing is that there is a significant dose of reality that is coming from the C. W has been (and still is) thinking that D will be a fantasy world where I will pay for the house that she will live in, as well as provide child support, and continue to take care of her and be her best friend.
She really thinks that her life can be just the same as it is right now, but with me only in it when she wants. The C is telling her that things won't be that way.
The other good thing about it is it really helps me with detachment and dropping the rope. Despite my best efforts not to do so, I have enabled her behavior. I continue to take care of the house and pay the bills. She hasn't been forced to take any financial responsibility - she doesn't even know how much money she spends in a month. These are things that she is now being forced to think about.
The things that is frustrating about the C is that she doesn't seem to believe in MLC or more importantly the underlying depression. W gets really angry that I don't initiate conversations with her, and that I won't move out of the house to give her space to see if she would miss me. I see the confusion, but C doesn't. She thinks W has clarity now and has decided that D is the path she wants to take.
For now that may be true. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I'm still doing my thing and trying to filter through all of the spew to find the things that sting so I can keep working on me.
Me: 43 W: 40 S10,S7 M12, T13+
My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1952314&page=1
I just caught up on your sitch. I have to say you are an example I want to follow. A class act man. I am in the same sitch. I don't have kids but W is in A as far as I know and I don't ask about it. I am just detached. We live a couple hours away from eachother and I still struggle every day with the patience.
She creeps back to me and then goes back in the tunnel. She has reached out to my sis like your W reached to your F. I have been gone now since Dec. and she has been with OM (the reason I left) for 7 months now.
I don't push either. She knows that A has to end before anything happens but I keep wanting to a line and say enough.
These folks have talked me out of that twice and then I finally got it.
Patience.
Patience.
Just wait and watch with no expectations.
You really have to get to a place of loving someone enough to let them live...and not let what they choose to do to themselves touch your love for them.
Keep your courage.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I don't post a lot on others threads because most of the time I feel that I'm still searching for a way through this pain. But I do read because I find that there are so many others here that are also great examples of ways I want to live my life and who I want to become.
You, too, are an example to follow.
Keep up the patience. It's something we all struggle with.
Me: 43 W: 40 S10,S7 M12, T13+
My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1952314&page=1
