No Contact-Have I done the right thing?

[JacT]

New Member

Registered: 03/23/10
Posts: 3 I am so glad I have found a forum who can understand what space I am in.I am 8 months post bomb drop and have been in NC for 6 months except for 2 texts.In summary here is my story:
Been married for 22 years and together for 28.2D 19/14.Probably lucky that I know what is causing my husbands crisis.Think he has been in crisis for about 3 years, starting with anger 07/08.I was diagnosed with depression 08 so was unable to be the emotional crutch my hubby was used to.Internet Affair Jun08. Apr09 suspected an A only to be told no way.In July 09 found txt's on husbands phone and he confessed to EA and PA.I threw him out and he went straight to OW.He is still there today.He said on the night of discovery that he didnt know if he loved her but was not in love sHE GAVE HIM CONFIDENCE!! BRAVO !!He said he had no plan to leave us and we had had 28 great years but I would never trust him again. She hasnt worked day in her life, has 2 troublesome kids and is ugly to boot.I found out shortly after I put my husband out that he had dumped OW week previously cos he wanted to be with me and kids.(This made sense to the txts I had seen..they were not intimate but childish).In April he had the opportunity to confess but was clearly cake eating.She actively pursued him I believe firstly befriending my father,finding out all she could(even came to where we lived to see house),then accusing my father of making sexual comments.I should point out my husband works in a gym.She was a customer who was in there every day 9-3pm.Didnt work out and had numerous affairs all with commited people. She also dated my husbands colleague whilst having an affair with him!My hubby used to tell me how nasty she was and sad she had no life.Her husband was a cheater.When my husband move to a new gym she started to give one of his team alift to work so she could have an excuse to see him.When his colleague asked what she was doing hanging aroun he said he couldnt gt rid of her!Not sure he tried hard.Our 2 D'S have refused to see or speak to him.Xmas and b'day cards have been sent back to him.You would have put a lottery win on my hubby not being a cheat had you known him.He is completely different man.When he left I told him I would not be messing with his head the way she had.He has started to rewrite history and has also gone NC with his friends and family(has only seen his dad fo half an hour this year).The two txts I mentioned covered arrangements to get Xmas cards to girls(he always wants to drop cards in..what happened to post service?) and a txt three weeks ago asking for a divorce and in return he would sign all matrimonal assets to me.He dropped our D'S birthday card at his dads and said could not face seeing us when his dad pushed him to bring card himself. Until this point he maintained he did not want to divorce.There has been nc since. He has lost weight,gone much greyer and out running alot(he did this before but not to the point it helped him lose weight.His friends and colleagus says he does not look happy.He even walked past his D14 in the street when he was with her and claimed not to have seen her.I have fully grasped there is nothing I can do and have to leave him to his journey.My family are covinced he will return but I think he is far too weak and too much of a coward.He is clearly deep in replay but not sure about anything else.In terms of the divorce I have decided he is the one who shall end the marriage and not me but have not responded to his txt. I am concerned that the nc policy is making it easier for him ie out of sight out of mind.This was a man who adored his girls and has not seen them for 6 months. Any views.Thanks for listening

[Cautious]

Ultimately, he has to make the decision that you and your D's are more important that living in this fantasy world. It's easy to drop responsibilities when someone else will take them over. If your D's aren't interested in speaking to him, it's probably better that he "didn't see her". They will make their own decisions in the future about how much contact to have with him, if any at all. They have that RIGHT, but it's a choice. Be sure that if you are not living together to protect yourself financially by filing a claim for child support with your local social services office. You want something to fall back on in case he decides to blow his money and not pay you (if he's paying you now). The reason he's offering you everything in the divorce is because he feels some sort of guilt - feels like he owes you some kind of consolation prize.

I think just keep doing the NC and work on GALing. The more you have going on in your life, the less you'll think about his. He's going to make a lot of mistakes right now and they'll just make you angry if you simmer on each and every one of them. Especially when they have no direct effect on you or your girls.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Two words: PARAGRAPH BREAKS.

This is unreadable.

Puppy

[JacT]

Posts: 3 I am so glad I have found a forum who can understand what space I am in.I am 8 months post bomb drop and have been in NC for 6 months except for 2 texts.In summary here is my story:

Been married for 22 years and together for 28.2D 19/14.Probably lucky that I know what is causing my husbands crisis.Think he has been in crisis for about 3 years, starting with anger 07/08.I was diagnosed with depression 08 so was unable to be the emotional crutch my hubby was used to.Internet Affair Jun08. Apr09 suspected an A only to be told no way.In July 09 found txt's on husbands phone and he confessed to EA and PA.

I threw him out and he went straight to OW.He is still there today.He said on the night of discovery that he didnt know if he loved her but was not in love sHE GAVE HIM CONFIDENCE!! BRAVO !!He said he had no plan to leave us and we had had 28 great years but I would never trust him again. She hasnt worked day in her life, has 2 troublesome kids and is ugly to boot.I found out shortly after I put my husband out that he had dumped OW week previously cos he wanted to be with me and kids.(This made sense to the txts I had seen..they were not intimate but childish).

In April he had the opportunity to confess but was clearly cake eating.She actively pursued him I believe firstly befriending my father,finding out all she could(even came to where we lived to see house),then accusing my father of making sexual comments.I should point out my husband works in a gym.She was a customer who was in there every day 9-3pm.Didnt work out and had numerous affairs all with commited people.

She also dated my husbands colleague whilst having an affair with him!My hubby used to tell me how nasty she was and sad she had no life.Her husband was a cheater.When my husband move to a new gym she started to give one of his team a lift to work so she could have an excuse to see him.When his colleague asked what she was doing hanging aroun he said he couldnt gt rid of her!Not sure he tried hard.

Our 2 D'S have refused to see or speak to him.Xmas and b'day cards have been sent back to him.You would have put a lottery win on my hubby not being a cheat had you known him.He is completely different man.When he left I told him I would not be messing with his head the way she had.He has started to rewrite history and has also gone NC with his friends and family(has only seen his dad fo half an hour this year).

The two txts I mentioned covered arrangements to get Xmas cards to girls(he always wants to drop cards in..what happened to post service?) and a txt three weeks ago asking for a divorce and in return he would sign all matrimonal assets to me.He dropped our D'S birthday card at his dads and said could not face seeing us when his dad pushed him to bring card himself. Until this point he maintained he did not want to divorce.There has been nc since.

He has lost weight,gone much greyer and out running alot(he did this before but not to the point it helped him lose weight.His friends and colleagus says he does not look happy.He even walked past his D14 in the street when he was with her and claimed not to have seen her.I have fully grasped there is nothing I can do and have to leave him to his journey.My family are covinced he will return but I think he is far too weak and too much of a coward.He is clearly deep in replay but not sure about anything else.

In terms of the divorce I have decided he is the one who shall end the marriage and not me but have not responded to his txt. I am concerned that the nc policy is making it easier for him ie out of sight out of mind.This was a man who adored his girls and has not seen them for 6 months.

Any views.

Thanks for listening

(thank for fb hopefully easier to read now.

[JacT]

Many Thanks. He is paying for one daughter but has not given anything to older daughter who is studying at uni. I did make the mistake earlier of trying to mediate but realise it was a mistake.

It only hurt our youngest more. I was the one making ctc at that point not him. He did put money in their xmas/bday cards but the girls sent that back too.

I agree it is their choice. The advice on getting on with life is good but not finding it easy.Starting some counselling today.

Thanks Cautious