Well, H told me this morning he wants his own phone account. He said doesn't want to talk on the phone worrying I could snoop on where he's making his calls to.
"Well, that works out well, since I am no longer willing to live in a marriage where my own husband keeps secrets from me."
"Still, I need a good idea of how to respond to all this late-night communication going on between H and OW. I want it to stop, i feel it is inappropriate, but I don't want to push them into going even more secretive with their communication. I don't want to be the jealous harpy wife either (although that's what I feel like at the moment)."
LJ, I don't think it matters what you do or don't do at the moment. Ten years ago when my husband was having the first (?) of a few affairs, I felt the same as you. He accused me of not being able to communicate. I really made huge changes in my own behaviour, and that was good, but I also realized his complaints were fabrications, and excuses.
In the past four years or so, I've been the model of calmness and kindness toward him, and his affairs continued -- he new excuse? nobody's at fault here, we're just incompatible. So you see, it wouldn't m atter what you did or didn't do, he's hellbent (and I choose that word advisedly) on doing what he wants. REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU DO.
It's really hard but try to avoid being drawn into fights, because YOU end up feeling AWFUL afterward, and he has his ridiculous "proof."
Susan's got the idea here LJ, I don't myself have a lot of comfort with the word incompatible, as this is wayward script as well, but when an extended affair is going on (non-one-night-stand type of deal) an addiction begins to build in the WS.
Once that addiction is in there his head is a BRICK WALL.
All his actions will be to pursue and increase his exposure to his addiction.
Any attempts to persuade, argue, convince, cajole, or charm him into changing his mind will fall on his brick-laced ear drums.
And YOU are on egg-shells the whole time beucase
if you do ANYTHING to pressure him - his guilt is washed away by the apparent incompatability between the two of you - he is convinced you two aren't "meant to be together"
if you just let him to what HE wants and leave him alone, you will get ILL watching him hurt you over and over again
Its a terribly painful situation... not at all what hollywood tries to show you in the movies is it?
You're not being negative, Kimmie, I've been wondering the same myself. I'm a "marriage is forever" type of person, so I know I have stuck this out a lot longer than many people would have.
My C is concerned not only about the emotional abuse and his drinking (a bottle of wine a day) but also about the fact that he seems to take no responsibility for his actions, and that's the type of person who is not going to change anything.
The late-night calls and texts are still going on, but they are being returned less and less by OW. Lots of sent messages, very few received the past few days. H is still being strange, he is sending mixed messages. Seems upset that I am GALing (got in touch with some old friends, made plans for Sunday) but I have been in better spirits ever since my visit to the counselor. Gonna see her again next week. I have an appointment with a L next week too.
Even talked to a few people in MI, and was told by a friend that they could get me a job if I needed to move back. So things seem less dire and much more positive for sure.
Well the s%&t hit the fan yesterday. We went to a BBQ with mutual friends and H got roaring drunk in front of everyone and their children (including our child) and was vomiting out in the yard (they didn't even let him in the house after that). He left us sitting at the BBQ so he can call and text the OW. Our friends were asking me why he was spending so much time on the phone, so I let it all spill. It was actually good for me because all our mutual friends were appalled by his behavior. One of them suggested dropping his drunk a$$ off at his mothers house and not even letting him in my house last night, so that's what I did (and they helped me). It also gave me a good opportunity to clue his mother and family in to whats going on. NO ONE is happy with him right now.
I also happened to find out from our friends that H has been messaging them telling them I hate them, don't like hanging out with them, etc, I guess in hopes that he can turn off their friendship with me. Well, that backfired big time also.
Not sure where to go from here. H hasn't managed to get home from his mothers house yet so I'm sure he's still sleeping off his drunk.
I am so mad at him right now I could spit nails. Getting sloppy drunk in front of our child (and our friends kids) is a HUGE no. Spending the afternoon out with his family talking to OW - HUGE no!
He's clearly addicted right now... addicts have tunnel vision... that phone and the OW on the end of it is the only thing he's aware of right now.
Good call on exposing there, as I said, TIMING is everything.
And of course.. ah yes, ... the ole smear campagin .. i know that one well... my wife tried that with all her friends too... sh even admitted in a rant at me one day "I have trashed you to everyone I know!"
Most of them watch your behavior and then your partner's and they decide based on maturity and grace which one is lying... I think you won that one hands down.
If you want my opinion I say invite him back in... Have the whole group there waiting for him and eveyrone tells him that he etiher ends his affair or NO ONE will have ANYTHING to do with him anymore... Better known as an Intervention
Did dropping him off have any effect on him at all? Is he drinking so much that he's not aware of his life right now? (I mean, is he in a stupor as to other's emotions, actions, etc?)
