The dreaded LIMBO

[newmama]

3. Husband says he wished I wouldn't taken all of that crap from him. He says that he feels he needed help. He wishes that I would have approached him and said "Look, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND WHO YOU ARE DOING IT WITH AND IF YOU DON'T QUIT THEN I AM LEAVING." He wishes that I would not have taken crap for so long. When I said you should appreciate the fact that I took your crap in order to save our marriage, my husband replied "why should I appreciate you taking crap? No one should take crap."

But at the same time- if you hadn't have DB'd then he wouldn't have seen your changes and he wouldn't have been able to compare you to OW and say to himself "4luv wasn't that bad" Did any of your changes motivate him to end the A ?

[Allen A]

Forgiveness is good, but this must be tempered with you being honest with yourself and your son...

I just don't know how this guy can flip between waving a "bacehlor pad" in your face a few months ago to the song and dance he's offering you now...

The suggestion of you holding back isn't to PUNISH HIM, its to TEST HIM...

DBing doesn't mean accepting a spouse back just because they decide they want to... You need to consider his motivations and potential for change...

You pointed out he isn't doing much to win back your trust yet anyhow...

I think you should just let the Therapist work with him for a while longer before you throw your hat in... If your H gives up after only a month or so at this then he wouldn't have made it long term anyways..

[4luv]

very good advice Allen. Now how do I follow this and how do I hold back? Again, I am choosing to remain separated and told husband this from the beginning. However, does holding back also mean not going on dates together or even seeing the therapists with him?

I guess I am just not sure how to balance things. When your wife finally got rid of OM what did you do? Did you guys continue to stay in different bedrooms? Did you both start spending time with each other (even just watching tv, etc.) My husband and I never stopped having sex so I think that part would be hard to stop now when I didn't during his cheating (wish I would have looking back but maybe it kept us connected). Also, I agree with the trust thing which is why I do feel I need to pull back. I was going to basically lay out my requirements during the therapy session as far as the steps I need for husband to take in order to start to build trust again. If he doesn't comply in my timeline then that is when I bow out because that is not a relationship that I can rebuild with him without my requirements.

again, thx for your replies newmama and allen.

oh and too answer newmama's question...you are right, he would have not had a chance to even see my changes if I would have left right away.

[Allen A]

I dunno... I think he needs to learn what commitment is.. if you are concerned about scaring him away... He won't go the distance anyhow...

You have made it clear to him you want to save your marriage, I think holding back for six months.. no sex or anything like that will be a good test to see if he's committed, or if he's just smelling money...

He knows you have a new business start up right? And I suspect you told him its doin well?

[Allen A]

And re my home, no, my wife and I weren't having sex.. OM's been gone for over six months, we still don't have sex... we have gone out together maybe six times only at her initiation.

But my wife wasn't gloatin about her bachelor pad on the phone to me a couple months ago nor was she gloating about going out on dates either, she was pretty ashamed of the whole affair and for the most part didn't flaunt it in my face like your H has done.

He's got to learn to build trust, and as you pointed out, he's not doin a smack up job right now... so I say test his commitment... If he can't DB for six months while you are NOT cheating, and NOT divorcing him... Good lord... If he can't take that he's not gonna last long term...

There are people here fighting for their marriage under terribly painful circumstances, your H would be fighting for his under OPTIMUM conditions... If he STILL gives up under optimum conditions well... He's just not grown up yet and needs more time on his own working with professionals.

[4luv]

Hi all,

Just checking in...I have been trying to take care of some personal items in my life but have a lot to update in regards to therapy that I would like to share with others on this board...I LOVE MY FT!!! He has provided me with a great roadmap to healing from infidelity that I will write in a longer post after I finish taking care of these other items. Hope you all have a great holiday

[4luv]

Happy 4th to everyone,

I still get up here to read but have been really busy with my business startup. excuse my lack of caps right now but my shift key is broke. Things have been going good with working on our marriage. My husband seems to be willing to do the work but it is still one day at a time or even one minute at a time. he has been working to live life honestly. for my husband it wasn't just the cheating that was dishonest but a lot of things in life that he tried to "get over" on people or just take the short cut. He is noticing in his life that the easy road is not always the best road. He has been open with any communication with OW which is not going to stop because they have a child together but any communication via text, email, phone has been bought to my attention. our FT told husband that it was HIS responsibility to build trust and I should not be the one to have to ask if OW contacted him or anything. I just want to say that without the help of a GOOD FT, our piecing efforts would go down the drain because we really need someone to guide all the emotions that come out after this whirlwind.

We just had a great weekend visiting husband's family out of town. we are still living apart but now in the same city because our FT recommends that we live apart until I am comfortable in the marriage again. So far so good though and I can't thank God enough for strength that I didn't know i had to walk through such a trying time. It was 6 months from the time I joined this board until my husband turned around and it seemed like 6years. This board has been a lifesaver so I will be paying it forward with updates and my two cents to others going through what I went through. Just wanted to updated and write b4 too much time passed.

[Lotus]

Hi 4 luv, glad things are going well.

[4luv]

Just updating my thread quickly,

Husband and I are actually doing good. We have an apartment that we rented but neither one of us moved into it yet (officially). I am still at my parents house and he is at his mother's house. We have started to move our things into the apartment and should be completely moved in by the beginning of September. We have been taking things slow and really trying to address the issues surrounding the affair, dealing with those feelings, and working on our communication (this was a major problem) before the complete move. I have seen REAL improvement on husbands behalf on all of these fronts. We made it through our first big milestone post affair which is seeing OW together. Husband and I got his son that he has with OW (prior to our marriage) for a summer visit. There were no words from her and I had nothing to say to her. Husband was nervous as was I but once we did the exchange it was fine. I will admit that working through my feelings of even having to deal with her is something that will take me a long time to work through. Our Family Therapist said that the situation with them having a child together just makes our reconciliation that much tougher but not impossible :-) especially if husband stays open with me. I am also working on listening and not reacting as quickly when husband is talking and he has been working on not shutting down communication and sharing his world with me completely.

I have rambled but said all of this to say that I am blessed and this is a hard road to travel after your trust is violated completely. Both people have to have a large amount of patience during this reconciliation process because trust is built one day at a time, one moment at a time.