I was wondering if anyone had any insight into my sitch. Me:39 W:35 M:9 No kids. Bomb dropped a month ago.
We are completely different people. I am very active. She is very sedentary. I like to stay fit. She is very overweight. I don’t know what she weighs, but I am 6’1” and 200lbs and she is 5'6" and significantly outweighs me. I do literally all the chores in and outside the house. I can get her to help out when I nag, but she acts like she is being punished. I love my hobbies. She has none unless you count sitting around with the laptop and tv as a hobby. I think that bothers me the most. She has no interest in anything except work. Not even decorating our home.
Understandably this has caused some resentment on my part. We don’t discuss this because we are spectacularly bad communicators and she is extremely sensitive about critical comments. I’ve just resigned myself to this being my life. She obviously has picked up on this and has been pretty unhappy without attempting to change anything.
She is however very good at working in her job. All her energy is focused on her work. In fact work gets priority over everything else. It takes her on the road a lot. She spends a lot of time out of town. I get pretty lonely and add to the resentment.
My WAW dropped the bomb a month ago. She moved out immediately and was already arranging an apartment beforehand. She admitted to an OEA, but I’m not sure how far it has gone. She said he made her laugh and she realized what she was missing in our marriage. I did accuse her of a PA. She denied it, but this is a Facebook A and he lives an hour away.
She was surprised at my reaction to the bomb. She had already talked herself into believing I did not love her and it was only a matter of time before I left her. She said she was always afraid I would find another woman. I explained I did love her, but we both needed work. But she stuck to her guns and wanted a D.
I got the full script including ILYBNILWY. I was able to get her to agree to C and then proceeded to break every one of Sandi’s rules. Over two weeks it was all phone calls, flowers, texts, emails, lots of ILYs, unwanted PT. She said she wished I would stop. It made her feel guilty when I did those things, but I think part of her liked the attention. I tried to keep our conversations mundane and not about our R. She said, “You know. This is the longest conversation we have had in months.” We went on a short date and I thought it went well. She seemed pleased, too. Then I got pushy and ruined it. She was back to asking for a divorce. I told her I wasn’t going to divorce her after two weeks.
Then I found this site and got a copy of DR. I went dark and have been working on myself. It is harder than it seems, since I already work out a lot, and keep busy with many projects. There is not a lot more I can do to GAL, which is mostly the problem with our M. Two people living fairly separate lives. Plus other than changing my attitude (PMA), I’m not sure I need to be a new and improved version of myself.
My questions are: Is the LRT really what I need to be doing right now? If the WAS is convinced that the LBS doesn't love them, isn’t cutting off all contact reinforcing that in their mind? If I show up looking fitter, happier, and content, isn’t that reinforcing the belief I don’t need her or am happier without her?
I'm sorry you need to be here; but I'm glad you found our community.
I don't know if you need to be doing the last resort technique.
Originally Posted By: fergie
If the WAS is convinced that the LBS doesn't love them, isn’t cutting off all contact reinforcing that in their mind?
You don't really know what your WAS thinks. She will say whatever she needs to say to justify what she is doing. It might be true, but you won't know. You need to figure out what your 180's will be. Not pursuing does not have to mean no contact. She's already given you some clues: the OM makes her laugh. Do you make her laugh? if not, become light hearted and and funny when you interact with her. It has to be sincere/real.
After reading your post, I understand you have a lot to be resentful about. Do you really want to stay married?
Hang in there
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
You are right. I don’t know what she thinks. A 180 for me would be sending flowers and pursuing. In C we determined that she is very touch oriented. Gifts don’t really mean that much to her. And certainly all the things I do (cooking, cleaning, home improvement, bill paying, etc.) don’t register as my expression of love and building a life together.
But having contact with her is strictly on her terms. If I call her, she screens my call and gets back whenever she wants. If I email, same thing. Right now we started couples counseling, and that is the extent of our contact. Last week, she was so wedded to divorce (how is that for an oxymoron ), I left our couples session completely up to her. She said she felt badgered into going to couples C. After her IC last week, she kept the couples C session. So, maybe that means something.
Do I make her laugh? Not really. I still joke around with her. She doesn’t seem to respond. We had a discussion on our date and she says she wishes she was more “fun”. I said I wished I was more “funny”. But she is right. She is a lot less “fun” than when we married.
Do I want to stay married? I do. I knew what I was getting into. She wasn’t a size 6 when we M. If I look objectively at the situation, it doesn’t give me a lot of reasons to though. Even the counselor asked if I would be okay with me continuing to do everything and expect my needs not being met. It sounded pretty horrible. She agreed and said nobody does something for nothing for very long.
I’m just afraid that we reconcile and things don’t change. She is very adverse to conflict and any discomfort. I don’t want to wake up 5, 10, 15 years from now and be in this situation again only worse.
I realize you are only getting one side of the story, but does my sitch look that bad to an outsider?
I also have some totally random questions for the group. Little things that bother me about our sitch over the years. Maybe someone can chime in with some answers.
1. I don’t really get too into traditional sex roles, but one job I do consider to be a W’s arena is decorating (mostly). Is it weird that we have no pictures up of our families except the ones I put of my nieces and nephews? 2. Is it weird after almost 10 years of M, no photos of our wedding are displayed anywhere in our house? 3. Is losing your engagement ring and not tearing the house apart looking for it normal?
Gosh, she doesn't sound like a heck of a lot of fun to be around!!
So, what do you do to stay active? And, do you have a career, as well? Or, is she more the career-oriented one?
You said she wasn't a size 6 when you married, but has she put on significant weight since you married?
No kids, have to ask... fertility issues, or mutually agreed upon lack of desire for kids?
OK...
In answer to your questions:
#1 - I'm not a great decorator, and my H actually has a better eye. We do it together. It is INCREDIBLY odd that she doesn't desire anything done, not that she's not doing it herself. For crying out loud, hire a decorator!
#2 - Do you have a wedding album? We don't have wedding pics up, but I procrastinated getting them printed, and now it just never happened! Ooops! (We have an album, though!)
#3 - NOT NORMAL - VERY NOT NORMAL She can't be female, and have a lost gem somewhere in the house and not turning the place upside down!
Hang in there... we're with you.
PS - I'd tell her to get off her rear, and contribute to the household at the very least (if she were still there).
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
She had asked me a direct question in C, "I'd like to know why he is resentful of me?" I had to think hard. I'd been concentrating so hard on winning her back, I'd forgiven everything. I had to get myself back to where I was six weeks ago. Questions I haven't asked myself really help.
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So, what do you do to stay active?
Cycling mostly. I don't race, but I train like a racer. I usually put in 30 miles a day. When summer comes I'll mix in some 40-60 mile rides per day with harder 50 mile weekend rides.
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And, do you have a career, as well?
Yes. I'm an academic scientist. I have been for 17 years.
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Or, is she more the career-oriented one?
She is definitely the corporate type. She thrives in a corporate environment. Her company shut down her department a little more than a year ago. She started her own partnership a year ago with her coworkers. The business became self sufficient late last summer. About the time when our major rut started.
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You said she wasn't a size 6 when you married, but has she put on significant weight since you married?
Yes, she has. However, she actually lost quite a bit of weight on Atkins, but gained it all back and then some. She dabbles in exercise, but prefers diets. I picked a really expensive treadmill she wanted 2 years ago. She has used it about 4 times. Don't get me wrong. She is still beautiful to me. Her face is very pretty. I certainly enjoy sex with her. Her weight only really bothers me when my needs aren't met (admiration and domestic support) or her weight gets in the way of activities (recreation companionship).
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No kids, have to ask... fertility issues, or mutually agreed upon lack of desire for kids?
Mutually agreed upon. I am ambivalent about kids. I can see myself being a pretty good dad. But I see that future of me becoming primary (or possibly sole) caretaker and the resentment really setting in. We thought it best for the sake of our marriage to not have kids.
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It is INCREDIBLY odd that she doesn't desire anything done
Yes, I know. But most of my home improvement projects she can't really help on. When I finished drywalling our downstairs, I thought she could help prime the walls. I got out the painting supplies and get this.... she had never painted anything before in her life! This is a farm girl, not Paris Hilton. That lasted 15 minutes and she said she was tired and went to bed and I stayed up painting.
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Do you have a wedding album?
Umm.. yes. We do now. That first week I broke one of Sandi's rules and searched out our wedding photos (still in a box). I also found a handmade wedding album that was a gift from her cousin, still in the box with none of the photos in it. I sat down and organized the photos and filled the album. I questioned her on this and she said she is sensitive about her looks and doesn't especially like to look at herself. <shrug>
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She can't be female, and have a lost gem somewhere in the house and not turning the place upside down!
Yeah. I agree. I periodically will really look in places I haven't before. I tried to downplay it and said it will turn up. Too bad. It was really a really nice custom hand engraved band with a high quality diamond (I think it was VVS2) I had made special for her. I should have just got her something cheap. I don't think she would have cared.
I like the Black Eyed Peas, but Fergie was my lesser known nickname in high school.
Well, I have made one of my first DR goals! I have three baby step goals I announced in C. 1) That she call me every 2-3 days. 2) that we make future plans together and 3) that she move back in by July (that one I didn't share with her).
She called me. And WOW! Was it UNCOMFORTABLE! Is this what I should expect? I was upbeat and kept the conversation off our R. I also put her in charge of couples C. I figure that if we have different goals (she wants D, I want to save the M), there is little to be gained from couples C.
I get the feeling the convo was much more uncomfortable for her. That worries me because she is the type to just drop anything hard. It would be easier in her mind to D than to have to work on our M.
She also asked about the cats. That is the first time she mentioned them since moving out.
She said she is going furniture shopping which hurts since every step she makes towards making her living arrangement permanent bothers me and since she had such a low interest in decorating our own home.
1. I don’t really get too into traditional sex roles, but one job I do consider to be a W’s arena is decorating (mostly). Is it weird that we have no pictures up of our families except the ones I put of my nieces and nephews? 2. Is it weird after almost 10 years of M, no photos of our wedding are displayed anywhere in our house? 3. Is losing your engagement ring and not tearing the house apart looking for it normal?
Just jumping in with my answers...
1. Not necessarily. We don't have any family pictures up in our house. Even before the crisis we only had one picture of the two of us displayed. Neither one of us is close with our families and I don't like overly personal things on display. I do take a lot of pictures but they stay in the computer or in albums.
2. Again, I don't think so. I hate walking into someone's house to be confronted with the wall of wedding photos. I'm ok with one tasteful photo, but see my answers above. My parents had one 5x7 photo of the wedding party pinned up on the corkboard in the kitchen along with the rest of the family photos and that's all. They've been married for 32 years. Plus, if your W is uncomfortable with her weight it's totally understandable that she doesn't want to look at photos of herself.
3. I would freak out if I lost jewelry but it doesn't sound like she's ever been interested in it. It's bothering you a lot more and then it bothers you that it doesn't bother her. If you knew from the beginning that she wouldn't have cared if you got her a cheap ring then you only got her that ring because it's what you wanted. That's fine as long as you don't project your feelings and values onto her.
How different is she now than when you married? How different are you?
Last edited by pearlharbr; 03/23/1011:46 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
