A new battle begins

[tristan]

Hi all,

First off, let me say that I am extremely happy to be posting here on the piecing thread. Our marriage has been good and getting better each day since we got back together this past November. My W has been woderful since recommitting herself to me.

So what is my battle you ask? I want to overcome the emotions that ripple through me from time to time. I get angry at times, the 'How could she do that to me?' sort of anger. I get anxious at times, the 'Is she unhappy with me?' sort of anxiety. They don't come all the time, but they filter into my mind more often than I would like to admit. I understand that these are normal, but I am searching for the best way to overcome them and continue to strengthen my marriage at the same time. So I guess the new battle is with my own mind.

So why now? Well, my W and I finally opened up about her affair this past Friday. I decided that going without knowing some of the specifics of her affair was hindering my ability to be completely open with her, so I asked her the specifics. She was completely open and she filled in the holes that I had suspensions about. Most of my suspicions were confirmed, including a trip she took with the OM when we were separated. It felt good at the time that we were completely open about things at the time. I was not surprised about anything I heard (everything fit). However, it also confirmed that she had outright lied to me in the past. So now the suspicions are gone, which is good.

She tells me that they never had a sexual affair; although it was definitley intimate. I believe it, she returned from her trip with him wanting to reconcile with me. And she told me that the trip was extremely uncomfortable for her. She said he had thought of the trip as a "The beginning" for them. But what it did was confirm to her that she missed me and our family. It was a "New beginning" for us.

Anyway, she has been great since we have gotten back together. And as long as I can keep my mind in the present things are great. But, my mind likes to meander to the past where it sometimes dwells. That is when the negative emotions begin.

If I have a single question, it is does anyone have any tips that help lessen the frequency of times that these thoughts occur? Also, should I let my W know that I have these negative emotions more often than I would like to admit. It is obviously painful to her to know that I have them. She is very regretful for what she has done and the last time I mentioned that I was struggling with them; it triggered a depressive episode (she suffers from depression). So for now, I am treating this as the personal battle for which it is.

If you would like a glimpse at my whole story, you can find it here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1817339&gonew=1

Thank you.
-Tristan

[dday101798]

Hi Tristan,

My (x)W too had an A and we also got back together in November.

Ironically too, we had the same discussion Saturday night, with a little more detail then I cared for, but as with yours, my (x)W did not have the A out of intimacy, just more on the emotional end (but did fess to some "heated moments" that made me want to gag ).

All I've done is just be open and honest with her. If I'm feeling down, or thinking of them, she knows it. In my opinion, she should. She should know the underlying damage that still lingers. And truth be told, she has never once yet asked if I don't trust her, she knows I do. But it is just going to take time to lay a restless mind at ease.

As you figure, in time it shall pass and the instances will become less and less that it occurs.

[tristan]

Thank you dday.

I think the same as you. And I want to let her know exactly how I feel; she can normally sense it anyway. However, although my anger comes more often than I like, it is also fleeting (often lasting no more nthan minutes at a time). I know she is remorseful, the last time I mentioned the "emotions come in waves" she cried with apologies for a couple of hours (then depressed for another day). So what good does it do to bring it up?

My goal is to keep improving my marriage. If expressing my anger each time I feel it would help improve it, I would do it. But right now, I don't think it does. I can handle these emotions OK, they are not overwhelming and I am able to get myself into the present each time they occur. And like you, I believe these ripples will decrease in frequency with time. I guess only time will tell.

Thank you for your response,
-T

[dday101798]

hmm,

Well, I guess the major difference between you and I is that I am no longer angered by it, just insecure. Not insecure with her, more myself, like am I making her happy enough for her to want to keep this going? Am I doing anything that I had been lacking before that OM filed the gap on? That's where I get clouded. Not anger.

[tristan]

Don't get me wrong. I get anxious/insecure too. I often get that when she has a depressive episode. So you can see my desire to stop the anger; because it often results in her getting sad/depressed - and the cycle continues...

And since the anger is not overwhelming; I think it is best to keep it to myself. Is it repressing feelings? I don't know, but the alternative doesn't seem all that great either.

-T

[dday101798]

Yeah, if you're still experiencing anger, I'd probably say if you think it's best to keep to yourself, it might just be.

I think that is part of what allowed my reconilliation to happen, letting that anger go, even when she carried hers, until she finally saw it pointless as I wasn't angry about it anymore.

I know when my (x)W gets depressed, I drop all of my own issues and help her, as I'm sure you do for yours. It was one of the areas where I messed up before, so I make it priority one, over my own.

[tristan]

Exactly on the depression. And if I can help not let it happen in the first place, ... all the better.

So how about you, are you back together in the same house? Are you talking of remarrying (if not remarried already)?

-T

[dday101798]

Yes, we're back together under one roof now for the better of 3 months now and it is going fairly great. The kids are more of a concern than our own personal issues anymore. We've laid all the marital issues to rest and like I said, still working out some of issues of the A and D, but getting ever so close to it being a non-existant, wrapped up issue.

Re-marriage, we've not openly discussed. As far we're concerned, the D is jsut a piece of paper, in our hearts and minds, she is my wife, and I her husband, matter of fact, that's all she ever refers me as. For now, I'm putting an actual proposal in her court as she is the one who screamed for the D since day one. Thus, it should be her to say she wants to be 'officialy married' again. For now anyway.

[rockedworld]

Hi Tristan,

I've been piecing since the end of Nov as well. I can relate to your description of your feelings... almost exactly. I don't know how much help I can be, as I am still struggling with these feelings myself, but I will share some things I am learning. First, I am learning I cannot rescue my H from his emotions of what he has done. If seeing my emotions triggers depression, remorse, guilt, that is not my fault. It is part of his own journey through this. But, second, it is not helpful for him to see all of my emotions all of the time. If he saw how often I cycle through the hurt and anger and despair of what happened, he would be devestated. Those waves hit me still all the time. Every day. Although, I am noticing that they are slowly becoming less frequent. So, I am trying to deal with my emotions away from him most of the time. I will go for a walk or a drive or go in the bathroom for a bit to let them settle. But, when I have a new question or if something "big" comes up then I don't hide my emotions either.

I hope this is helpful. It's a long, hard road.... but hopefully worth it!

[tristan]

Thank you Rocked.

I saw you on the newcomers forum, but never really had a chance to follow your sitch. It looks like it followed a timeline similiar to mine. It is good to meet you here.

I looked at your posts and a few others today and will admit that it is somewhat sobering. I feel like our Ms has lost something that will never be retrieved. I don't want to say innocence, but something like that. Anyway, I said sobering; not discouraging. So, like you and everyone else here, I will take it one day at a time.

Thank you.