I did my conferences with no help from H wed. wed i stopped by his house to pick up the stroller and make a gesture towards him.
his mother, has not seen new baby so i let her see him for a little bit then with h and both kids went and got something to eat. as he's putting d2.5 in car seat he's asking her; do you want to see daddy everyday? do you want daddy to live with you, mommie, brother? I had to ignore it to not jump on him for bringing d into the mess.
thur he had to work all day out of town so friday morning comes, we spent the whole day and night together till about 10pm. i did no relationship talks, just hung out, went to park with kids, did some shopping.
when he talks about future he uses we, when he's in the other room and calls to me he says "hunny" those parts aren't akward it's the how to deal with good bye's, feelings and such.
saturday he came over before he had work at 11 and sunday-today he came over went grocery shopping. today was the akward day. how do you deal with sexual attraction? still being in limbo with not trying to talk about relationship?
what about the guilt over things we've done to each other without getting so angry at each other again?
it's been 3 days, imop fairly well, not a routine or habit and i'm just watching like i'm sure he his.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
day 4, he came over in the morning for a little bit before he had to go to work. i have 2 weeks left of first 6weeks of maternity leave. have to decide whether i'm going back to work or waiting until the beginning of the next school.
i'm tore big time. i miss my students have a certain guilt of not being with them till the end and during big state testing, but look at my lil boy and don't want to leave him.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
H had about 5 days in a row of coming over b4 work to visit, run errands and such. when it came for him to have a day off work, he pulled the im to busy to come over.
i know he was busy, but how in the world does he expect to be a father with the priority of chasing the money train?
how i know he was busy is that his hourly job gave him day off but his "business" job took him out of town. i get angry because he doesn't leave early in morning, sits aruond for hours b4 he gets going to do work, sometimes till noon.
my opinion is that if he had priorities in right place he'd be up crack of dawn get work done so he can visit with kids.
so no we are back to 3 days of not seeing kids. my phone does not work at all so all convos have stopped.
on friday when phone sort of worked, i got upset and told him to back off that we kept getting hurt. he'd say he wants to work it out, that he was going to start staying a day here or there overnight, but then had no actions.
i texted him what i needed to see in actions and pulled back further. sunday he came to pump my tire, i locked my door and he sped off angry. prior to this he sent msg that he did not want to see me was mad...
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
on wed morning it will be 5 days since h and i have spoke or he's seen the kids.
his bday is sunday
he knows where i chose to take the kids for easter
going to get easter pictures of both kidos
set personal goal of eating better
3 fruits and vegetables a day
took kids to walmart to get needed stuff, lil baby boy was crying for good 20 mins in walmart, i get so nervous about taking him out and crying.
had to talk to myself to try to relax when out with kids, it is VERY challenging with d2.5 and son 5 weeks
i only thought 1 time how much easier it would be if h was there to push the cart while i carry baby boy with his eyes on d2.5. major adjustments on d and my part while out
haven't decided whether to initiate contact with h?? (his last words were he didn't want to see or talk to me because he's so mad at me,so i'm going from that convo) but should probably just not believe what he's said, but then again he has not come over, he can't telephone, mine is broken, i won't get another one.
*since h did fraud with my credit card paying for phone service, phone company is investigating him for it. one of the things he refers to me as his wife justifying use of my credit card.
how can i commit fraud if my w is on the account, has a phone line, i just used her credit card. well he used my credit card without permission and hid it from me for a few months.
i feel better with no contact. when we are talking somewhat and he's coming over to visit the days he doesn't or does not include us in plans, but does other people, i get very upset and watch the clock.
at this time for past few days i don't watch the clock like waiting for him to come over, wondering if he's off work how long till he drives up, the anticipation and pining is gone when i have gone dark.
i feel more at peace and not building resentment for him. sounds weird but if we are seeing one another and he's visiting i HATE that he can sleep when he wants, comes and goes, does whatever he chooses with no responsibilities. when we are not speaking maybe i see it as challenge of how long i can go without contacting him, or more of a sense that i have just written him off.
probably has to do with what i expect, he does not have the ability to do it.
expectations or wants:
1.if he's not working he is home with kids being aparent. 2,gets up in middle of night to share responsibility of caring for baby since son has been born he has not shared any genuine responsibility for son......
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
went with h to what he called easter egg hunt. we drove seperately since he had to work in the afternoon. what was supposed to be or i thought was supposed to be an egg hunt was a family party at the park.
he did not provide the details before we left. it was all his family members, some of which i have not seen for 6 months to a year. very never racking at first.
day went fairly well, h took off early for work i ended upstaying for little while longer, d would not leave she wanted to stay to play and i was talking to sil.
she's known h much longer than i and we have similiar backgrounds. she's white, i'm white, both married hispanic men from same family, we both were raised with simmiliar values.
i asked her if my h has always been emotionally unavailable, she oh yeah the whole family of the men are. great! like it was a shock, but i wanted to see if the children raised by same parents taught their kidos this or was it just my h. she also was telling me they are all sneaky, that h's parents and brother's confronted h about what he was not doing, meaning just sitting around doing nothing, so much that h's brother got him a job, under the table of course.
i left with kids and my head was spinning all the way home. so much that i have not contacted or sent msg to h since he left the park.
im not really sure what i am going to do. i'm kind of numb. the not sure of what i'm going to do is not an oh my goodness, it's more of looking at the long term of do i have it in me to stick it out with this guy with both kids and hope that he will change, with major help, or just to cut the loses and divorce.
i've been battling this for a good chunk of time but at this time more of decision in my mind not my heart. i'm feeling very emotionally detached at this moment. i've noticed it fluctuates.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
