What does this mean?- the WH's regrets?

[gatsby11]

Hey,

My original post is under "Learning to be happy alone" or something similar to that, in newcomers.

I put it off for two weeks, but today I finally called my WH to go over some logistics. One of those logistics was discussing divorce. I know that this website delays divorce, but I see it as a financial necessity with a baby on the way. (No legal separation here, but it takes 60 days before the divorce is finalized.)

When I talked through my first two logistics, he was distant, cold, and short. I just kept being pleasant, though, not as a tactic, but just because I don't want to be pulled down. But then I got to the divorce. I just said, "I think we should do an uncontested divorce, which costs. . ." and then he made a weird noise. I thought he was laughing, and I asked him if he was. Then I realized he was crying, and he said he had a bad day. I said I was sorry. I asked if I should call later, or write, or meet in person, and he said I should email him about it. I said okay. There was silence for about 5 seconds and then he hung up.

I called his sister, then, hoping that she had some insight into what just happened. She did. She said that he called her this morning and that he had been missing me-- songs reminded him of me, and stuff like that. It wasn't that he wanted to be back with me, but he moved back into the "confused" place. (He started in confusion, then moved to I don't want you, and now seems to be back in confusion.) He said he has all these things to say to me, but then he remembers that he can't. (Kinda funny, considering he's the one doing it!) She said he said weekends were the worst because he was less busy. (That's what I was saying!) She also said that his therapist said all his feelings were normal, and that if he didn't feel this way, it would be a bad sign.

That bugged me a little, because I don't think the therapist is really for us getting back together. (I don't think he's for anything really.) But since therapy is so directed by WH himself, he could take it back to a reconciliation direction if he wanted to, I suppose.

In all, I feel better at this exact moment. It is comforting knowing that I'm not the only one going through "withdrawal," and I guess my hope is up a bit that he'd be interested in couples therapy. At the same time, I am wary of getting too hopeful because it means more pain. I'm going to try to keep going in the direction of focusing on myself and not let this get me down in the future.

If any of you have insight on what just happened, let me know! I also want to say to many of you-- I had NO idea he was feeling this way. If his sisters weren't so open with me, I would not know. So maybe that could somehow be a comfort to you.

Thanks.

[Piano]

Gatsby,
I am far from an expert, but I think it's a positive sign that your WAH's has feelings of confusion!
Thank you for outlining why you need a divorce...but am I missing someting... can't you ask him for financial support WITHOUT getting a divorce?
From what you say, your WAH has a psychologically diagnosable condition. Why can't you wait?
Sorry for the question..but I'm trying to understand if there's a way around rushing this through.

[gatsby11]

Hi again,

Well, I'm really not fully sure what's best. This site is the only support system I have which suggests waiting! Everyone else pushes for divorce. So you guys (esp you!) do make me pause a bit.

I thought about asking for legally sanctioned financial support. I just can't trust him to give me what I need.

Since he responded so differently from how I thought he would, maybe I will tell him that I'm open to either option. It's really hard to know what to do because all the signs I've had from him so far are just "get away from me!" He even said himself it was separate from his condition. But now, after 3 weeks of NC, he seems to be doubting. . .

I guess a big fear I have is the baby coming and me not having his child support. I fear that because I need the money and it would be stupid for me to let that happen. (Not that you're suggesting that, of course.) But I just worry that if I don't have the divorce papers ready, I set myself up for more instability. But I don't know. If I could have the financial support legally without a specific divorce, I could do that.

I will look into that option. I appreciate your pushing me! I'll let you know how things go.

[gatsby11]

I looked into it a bit and there *might* be some kind of marital separation agreement. Different websites say different things, so I don't fully know.

I also emailed him and said that I was open to either option, but we needed to start pursuing one now. I said I'd leave it up to him.

So... we'll see what happens. It's really hard to know what to do. And I'm basically deciding alone! But now I guess I'm getting his input.

[Piano]

Gatsby, good on you for holding off. Well-meaning friends will advocate separation and divorce - they want to see an end to your pain and uncertainty. But it's YOU who has to live the rest of your life without your husband, and your child without their father. Not them.
Okay, first things first, you need to get a copy of Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner Davis? Do you have it?
Also you need to meet with someone who can give you proper advice to do with the non-divorce option. You're right to want to protect your financial security, for you and the baby, but take your time, do the research.
Your husband wanting to be away from you right now is NORMAL. That doesn't mean it will stay that way!
Three weeks is a great NC effort..you're lucky to have him doubting (mine is not doubting at all, as far as I can tell from 3 weeks NC).
You've left the ball in his court... Are you used to deciding alone, or the one making all the decisions? How did that normally work in your M?

[gatsby11]

Hey,

Well, first, I don't have my own copy of DR, but I flipped through it at the bookstore. I think I got the main gist. . . plus I read a lot of online stuff of hers here.

I'm not 100% sure I'm a convert, though. I know it's horrible to say that here, but. . . I think I'm more fatalistic than many people here. My thing is that I don't want to nudge him to do anything. I really want it to be his own decision, because I think that will last more than anything else. Of course I haven't fully read the book, so I shouldn't talk. But that's my opinion based on what I've gathered.

To get to my story, though, I wrote my sweet lawyer this week, who said that he'd help me write up a separation "contract" for free! There's no legal separation here, like I already knew. I left the ball in my WH's court, and he said,

"I agree that the utmost importance is the support of our child. i want you to be secure in the fact that I will provide for her. To that end, we should pursue divorce. I want you to know this is the most difficult decision I have made, and I didn't make it lightly."

But then I wrote him back saying that I was no longer sure, ha ha, and that I would probably try for a contract. I said he could write back if he disagreed. He hasn't written back, and I don't think he will.

Things changed for me, though, when I heard that he missed me. I thought that our chances of getting back together-- SOMEDAY (I think more like a year down the road)-- are better. So I decided not to start the divorce process yet. Partly the reason is that I don't want to pay for it, honestly. Also, I think that he is starting to get back on his mental feet, and I do believe that he will pay child support. Earlier, I worried that he wouldn't and I wanted serious protection. But I don't feel that it's so necessary anymore. I think he will pay.

It's funny that you ask about how decision-making went in the M. . . we collaborated a lot, but sometimes I just let him decide. I'm working on that in therapy, actually!

I still think that the best strategy for me at this point is to not "wait" for him. I am waiting, but I'm not thinking about it. I'm trying to keep options open. I just don't want to let myself get back to that place where I could get hurt again! Oh, no, this sounds like an issue i have to work though. But truly, he has ruined my trust, and we haven't had enough time to rebuild it yet. So I don't trust him enough to actively hope that we'll get back together.

But the divorce stuff seems to be on hold for now. Truly, Piano, you had an influence! You were the ONLY person that I talked to who leaned that way.

Hope all is well with you. Your baby is almost here, wow! So exciting.

[MrBond]

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you want to save your M. I mean if you don't want to drop just $14 for the book, then it doesn't seem you're committed. IMO.

DR isn't something you can just get the "gist" of. It really does take awhile to understand and experience. It just seems you're pretty indifferent which is surprising given your sitch.

Are you interested in "saving" your M?

[TeleDad]

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you want to save your M. I mean if you don't want to drop just $14 for the book, then it doesn't seem you're committed. IMO.

DR isn't something you can just get the "gist" of. It really does take awhile to understand and experience. It just seems you're pretty indifferent which is surprising given your sitch.

Are you interested in "saving" your M?

MB, sometimes I wonder if I am interested inn "saving" my M...

[TeleDad]

Gatsby, Sorry you have to be here - but this is the place to be if you believe in marriage.

One of the key objectives in DR is to GAL. You need to do that so you develop a support system. This site is great and you get lots of awesome advice. However, you need to show you WAH that you are not tied to him. Give him a reason to want to be with you. Show him what he is missing. If it doesn't work out with H you will still have a life afterward.

When you GAL you may find you enjoy life again and stop obsessing over you M. I'm trying to do this myself. Easier said than done. At present I'm in the "Fake it til you make it" faze.

[lees]

"Fake it til you make it" faze.

Love it love it love it. Me too.

And currently being amused by the OM in my sitch attempting to buy an outdoors coat. Has no idea obviously about how to kit oneself out for the mountains, is going to buy one of those silly big thick waterproof (non Gore-tex) affairs rather than the sensible option of decent Gore-tex jacket, zip in fleece and layers etc unless the W stops him first of course (which I suspect she will). I think she's in a "mother him in the sharing of my hobbies" phase. I expect he's loving it.