No, not really Sandi2. She has stayed kind of current with her style of dress. Nothing too young. She has recently taken rock climbing and is getting all excited about it (it's about time she did something for herself). She's not hanging out with anyone or a younger crowd so I maybe barking up the wrong tree here, I don't know. -Lost Dad
Me 44 Her BIG 40 D 13 D 11 S 9 M'd 14yrs not in love bomb Sept 09 Wanting Separation Jan 10 Me trying to DB I don't hate my wife. I hate what she is doing.
I don't know that it's a set mold but I think one of the symptoms of a woman in MLC is she starts dressing and behaving younger/sexier, hanging with younger people, trying to "relive" teenage or young adult years.
Some WAW do those things but I think she could be a WA and "not" dress differently, etc. I don't pretend to be an authority by no means.
By some things she has said, it may be more a case of low self-esteem and turning 40 is affecting her b/c of that.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My advice is to know what you want and to not agree to things you do not agree with.
Find ways to understand what your wife is feeling and why. Instead of focusing on what you are potentially losing or the fears you have, try placing your focus on understanding and hearing what she does say to you.
This is not an active thing though. I'm not suggesting that you pepper her with questions under the guise of "understanding you better." Keep your conversations kind and compassionate, but remain firm about your convictions regarding your personal feelings regarding the marraige. Just make sure you are listening.
It's possible she feels as though she has lost herself. It's also possible she feels she lost the man she thought she was marrying. Your work for now is to rediscover that man, except in a new and improved version.
Don't allow yourself to get negatively obsessed about a potential separation. I believe it is quite possible for a marriage in distress to benefit from a time apart. The key here is that she is the one who needs space, not you. She needs to be the one who initiates the separation, and I think she needs to be the one to go. Your role is to be understanding and supportive (within reason and in line with convictions). Don't make her think that if she leaves for a period of time that you will cut her out of your life, or that you will try to take the children from her.
Support, encourage, empathize. Care for yourself, as she is unable to help with you right now. YOu will need strength and a teflon skin to handle the tough days. Focus on your love for her and your desire to see this made right one day down the line.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I went through a sort of transitional crisis after my youngest D got to a certain age, (it must have started around 3-4 yrs old when she started getting more independent).
I felt no longer needed and wasn't really sure what my role in life was; not that I could really vocalise that. I think I was scared of what the next stage of life would bring, and I started feeling I was getting empty nest fever even though I was no where near that stage. Also my biological reason for existing seemed to have gone for me; even at age 3-4 my youngest D could survive without me.
I was a SAHM and I started going crazy doing stuff - shopping 'til I dropped, feeling entitled, got my H to jump through hoops trying to satisfy my needs, whilst all the time not knowing what they were. I was a PITA princess.
We had/have a comfortable life and I liked to , (and still do), play with my horses in the mornings, then lunch with my GF's etc......and yet something was missing and I thought it was all down to my H.
If I had been able to support myself I would have split; but after 18 years at home with children I couldn't do that. I was trapped financially and I didn't want to lose my quality of life. I can remember saying to a GF that I would be happy if my H found himself an OW and stopped bothering me for intimacy as long as I could keep my quality of life. I was totally unreasonable and insufferable.
My H actually started having an A during this period because he couldn't cope and needed someone to need him. I didn't know that until it had been going on for 18 months. By that time I was coming out of the fog I had been in and realised that the problem was me. I had been having therapy, (cognitive behavioural therapy in my case), and that really helped me realise what was important in my life and how I was viewing things in a strange way.
I ended up writing my H a letter apologising for my behaviour and telling him how important he was to me and how he was the one true life partner for me. He then came clean about the A and the proverbial sh!t hit the fan.
From my tag line though you can see that we got it sorted. It took a long time for me to sort myself out but it has been worth it. Although the effects of the A are still felt from time to time, on the whole our M has never been better. healing would have been faster without the A, but I can see that I played my part in that A ever taking place.
So, I guess I am saying, don't give up hope. Things aren't always what they seem at first.
My H does say that he wishes the A had never happened and that an A is just so destructive, ( so don't be tempted)!!
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thanks to all that posted. Lots of good thoughts here. I still have a gut feeling that there is something more going on with my W than what she is saying but I don't think that she even knows what it is. It's like over the last year, someone had flipped a switch and my W changed from a happy caring family person to this new woman whom is not as caring about the things that she was. Money is tight for both of us. We both lost good paying jobs with in a month of each other two years ago. She is back to her previous wage but I'm at about 2/3s of what I had been making so one of us leaving the family home could mean we have to sell. I have NO intentions of having an A. I have my kids to take care of and between that and work, who has time to? I have many questions that won't get answered right now, is there something with the deceased husband, MLC or is she truly sick of me? I don't know. -Lost Dad.
Me 44 Her BIG 40 D 13 D 11 S 9 M'd 14yrs not in love bomb Sept 09 Wanting Separation Jan 10 Me trying to DB I don't hate my wife. I hate what she is doing.
I believe that most people will experience a transitional crisis at some point in their life. Maybe more than once. Perhaps some have lumped it together and labeled it MLC when it does not fall during "midlife" at all. Maybe that is why we see such wide ranges in the years.
When I first came on the board, I referred to myself as being in MLC and I did have the signs, but I think my personal problems were more complexed (due to medications, etc.), IDK. I feel like my H & I have experienced transitional crisis as a couple and as individuals through the years.
Anyone reading this needs to be warned that you probably will not remain the same b/c life doesn't remain the same for us. It's all those blasted "changes" that we have to adjust to.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have many questions that won't get answered right now, is there something with the deceased husband, MLC or is she truly sick of me?
I believe when we have a tragedy in life that is not dealt with and we try to sweep it under a rug by throwing ourselves into another situation (like a R), the results will come out in some other way at a later period. It takes time to really get through mourning the death of a spouse. So, considering how quickly the two of you M, she might not have faced her grief in a healthy way......IDK. Just saying that I have seen that happen and have studied it.
That's not to say that the answer is a D! But, if she went to a good professional C it might help her deal with what's she going through now.
When I had my EA, I had gone through years of "stuff". I mean it was one bad thing after the other. Maybe not as bad as some go through....but maybe worse than others. But it was my life that was affected and I reached the place I couldn't coop any more.....at least not effectively. I began trying to find an escape from my reality and hide my head in the sand. I found my escape through playing games over the Internet and then I started meeting people (men) on line. That led to the other stuff. Two months before that happened I would have told anyone they were crazy if they ever suspected I would be guilty of such a thing.
Did I talk about that to my H? No, b/c I had shut down to him. So, you are probably right in thinking that your W is holding something back. Whatever she's going through, she probably needs help, but it may not be you that can council her. You will have to help her like Bill was talking about.
Her feelings for you, her life, everything....is confused right now and she wants to get that all sorted out. You are going through a rough time of it, but if she's going through what I think she may....she is really suffering.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I may have listed her complaints here before or not, but here is the list anyway: She thought I was a truly caring person when we first met, now she doesn't think so. Some of her examples were not getting her a cup of tea if I came home with a coffee (caring things), I stopped doing this because of her complaining about they were made or that she said she could have made one at home. Last mothers day, she was hinting at a gift which I tried desperately to find (and I did a week later with an apology) and that lead her to crying on my buddy's shoulder (I didn't care for her) at work which I found out about months later. Complaints that I never helped out with the kids when they were younger. She has forgotten all the evenings that I picked up and fed and bathed the kids while she was working afternoons. Complaints about housework, yes I was a little lax there. Complained about not loaning my car to my sister and that I didn't want her loaning her van to our neighbor at one time. My reasons were (first) my car is 28 years old and I was working on getting it to run better at the time (it's real good now!), (second) our neighbor can't back out of her garage and neither one of them (her H) take care of their cars. One time they asked me to hear a funny sound their van was making, it had no oil or engine coolant in it (they won't run for long with out). Little things that just killed me, I'd load the dishwasher and she'd look at it and reload it because it wasn't right. I'd have dinner started and she'd push her way in and finish because I wasn't doing something right. Looking back, I now realize my mistake. Instead of standing up to her (like a man) I backed off to the point that I shut down. After all who wants to be criticized about everything you do? I with dew into my hobbies and earlier on in our M, I think she put so much time into our kids that I did feel left out. Our sex life was good, I was always willing to please her. The last time we were together, she said it's just sex not love any more and quit. She feels that she gave and gave and got nothing back. I'm not that complex or a mind reader, I need to be told about things that are happening, sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees and if your S.O. is smiling and having sex with you on a regular basis, how do you know something is really wrong? I know a lot of this is lack of communication but now that she considers her self separated from me and it can't be fixed, am I doing the right thing in not pushing the issue and waiting? Or do I give her what she wants, and upset our kids, their home and both of our finances for the rest of our lives? What happens if she has a change of mind after all this is done, will I be able to forgive? Too many questions... I'm going to buy a bike and ride with my kids this weekend, my form of GAL and 180 all in one! -Lost Dad
Me 44 Her BIG 40 D 13 D 11 S 9 M'd 14yrs not in love bomb Sept 09 Wanting Separation Jan 10 Me trying to DB I don't hate my wife. I hate what she is doing.
