Need some advice please!

[Jeff72]

I need some advice. I am in a situation where I go stay with my W and our toddler on the weekends but am out of town during the week due to work. At my W’s request, starting about 7 mos. ago we decided to put the relationship on hold for the timebeing. I have been very good about not pushing or whining, not calling a lot. We talk usually several times a day and get along well—it’s almost always her calling me—and we are good friends. She is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for over a year now. She was very abusive when drinking.

Here’s the situation. She just informed me she has been asked out and really wants to go. She had barely concealed giddiness about it. Said she didn’t want to hide things from me, that she wanted to go ahead and divorce. I was obviously shocked but acted calmly and indicated it was okay. She states she loves me and has great respect for me and appreciates all I do to provide for the family, but needs to find herself outside of a relationship due to years of being in one and being an alcoholic for most of the time. But it appears she is ready to jump into another one.

She’s almost 30 and I think the guy is about 22. He babysits our 3 y/o. No I don’t think they’ve been having a secret affair. I had noticed that suddenly the pictures of me in the house had disappeared, and suspected they had a thing for each other. He should be leaving to go back to school in the fall, to another town.

Our situation is such that we spend every weekend together, both out of necessity for the finances, and also for our child and because, i would say, she enjoys having me around.

I very much get the impression that she wants me around, in case something doesn’t work out in the alternative she very much wants me to be waiting around for her so we can get back together if that’s what she decides to do. I’m not terribly interested in being an alternative and just hanging around, waiting to see if she will come around. Especially if she’s dating other people.

Question: what do I do? What is the best thing for me to do right now for our marriage? To give us the best chance of getting back together. I am just really confused and bewildered. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

[Jeff72]

Also let me add this: I have essentially hidden from her the pain the above revelation caused me. Such as, didn't sleep last night, and experiencing waves of deep, intense pain. I got from a book that you should act happy and like everything's fine. It's appalling though hearing her on the phone in such a happy, chipper way, and I am really going thru a grief process. Is this the right way for me to be handling it? Seems somewhat deceitful.

[dday101798]

Jeff,

Ok, you asked for help, and it comes in all forms around here and for a second, I am going to have to be brutaly honest, it's not an attack on you but I do want you to take in heart personally.

Buddy, where are your balls? You work, gone for 5 days out of the week to support your family and what is the thanks you get? Oh, a spouse who gracious enough to tell you their comitting adultry. And yet YOU have to be "calm" and indicate it's "okay" that YOUR WIFE wants to "date"?!?!?!!?!?

Umm, been ther done that, and I sure as HELL did not stay calm and say it was okay.

First of all, why in the blue blazes would you not think something was seriously out of whack with a 22 year old male around? Ohhhh, no, that was mistake number one.

Secondly, you're appauled to hear her all happy and chipper? Hello, YOU told her point blank everything's "okay", sure honey, it's okay you dishonored your vows to me, off to work now, I'll be back with money in hand in a few days, have fun with the 22 year old boy-toy".

Third, have you given a long hard thought about those pictures being "missing" and what's going on in that house the other 5 days you're not there?

I'm beside myself with this one. Is this the right way for you to be handling it? NO.

I don't how you can begin this, but first thing you need to do is damage control to your dignity because I don't know who smashed it to smithereens more, you or your W.

Acting "happy and like everything's fine"? Comes much later after you have told your WAS you simply WILL NOT tolerate an open door policy marriage!!!!!

[Jeff72]

It appears as though i did forget to mention that we ARE in fact getting a divorce, although our living arrangement is going to stay the same for awhile.

[dday101798]

Question: what do I do? What is the best thing for me to do right now for our marriage? To give us the best chance of getting back together. I am just really confused and bewildered. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

It appears as though i did forget to mention that we ARE in fact getting a divorce, although our living arrangement is going to stay the same for awhile.

Yeah, I don't think I got that impression as with the first quote above it sounded like the bomb was just dropped and you were looking to prevent the later post from being the case.

Either way, my point stands. I uderstand the array of emotions and hopelessness all this brings, I lived through it too. BUT, your first post makes it sound as if you are just "yes dearing" your way through the entire situation which is THE LAST thing to be doing. You want to be confident and strong in your appearance (even if inside, it is far from the truth) when addressing things with your W and standing your ground.

[Mr GK]

I still get confused at times, as how to handle situation with my ex. Do I help her out when asked, or not? Its not the issue of me feeling like a doormat, or is it, I dont know. I am stronger now, and I dont think I let her walk all over me, lie I used to.

A good book I read was "Love must be tough" by Dr Dobson.
It gave me great insight on being loving and tough, and about how WASes feel trapped.

I am rereading now, after our D. We are friendly and get along, but maybe I need to be less available now.

"Don't be readily available, don't answer your phone or messages right away if at all. Give her exactly what she thinks she wants, life WITHOUT YOU." ~ That was a quote from a different post in this forum.

You need to get strong, and play the Man! You will be more worthy of respect that way. Learn to say No. But dont be cruel!
Oh and it is true. You can be sad, but you dont have to repulse her even more with a whiny baby attitude. Maybe just play neutral, keep your "cards" close to you. And of course read Divorce Busters?/ Remedy !!! And some of Michelle's videos are on youtube.

[dday101798]

"Don't be readily available, don't answer your phone or messages right away if at all. Give her exactly what she thinks she wants, life WITHOUT YOU." ~ That was a quote from a different post in this forum.

hmmm, I wonder who would of come up with that type of advise?

And that is exactly what you need to do, even post D. You weren't good enough to be a husband, then you aren't good enough to be the cook, mechanic, electrician, plumber, back stratcher, massuse (s/p), whatever.

[Mr GK]

Thanks dday
I am trying to figure out the right balance of availability with my ex. How much giving I should do. I was not a great husband, but she divorced a better father and husband. So, she is kinda pushing away someone healthy in her life. She does not have much of that in her life.

[g450]

"Don't be readily available, don't answer your phone or messages right away if at all. Give her exactly what she thinks she wants, life WITHOUT YOU." ~ That was a quote from a different post in this forum.

hmmm, I wonder who would of come up with that type of advise?

And that is exactly what you need to do, even post D. You weren't good enough to be a husband, then you aren't good enough to be the cook, mechanic, electrician, plumber, back stratcher, massuse (s/p), whatever.

Yeah that's good stuff there. I need to write down somewhere lol.

Best advise I ever got. But I don't always follow it. Im getting better though. At least she is the one calling me now.

[dday101798]

Well, that was the message I drove into (x)W, "you don't want me, then you want nothing of the things I USED to do for you, us, the family", "OM is so 'wonderful' huh? let him do it"

and reality dawns.........