Here is my story: About a month ago, my wife and I had a discussion where she told me that she wasn’t sure that she had anything left, that she didn’t know if there were still any feelings left. That was one of my worst days. Since then, I have gotten the Divorce Remedy and implemented several changes based on what I read. The changes seem to be working, she texted me today saying that she wants to work on our marriage.
The problem is that I discovered that she has been talking to an old boyfriend. The cell phone bill came in the mail, and the usage was higher than it had ever been. I asked her about it, and she said that she had been talking to one of her girlfriends a lot. Something didn’t feel right in my gut, so I went online and pulled the phone record of numbers called and received. The number that was called most frequently was not her girl friends phone number. I asked her who she was calling, and she said, “do you really want me to answer that?” I said yes, she said that she was talking to one of her friends from high school, another female friend. I asked why she said what she had said about really wanting to know. She told me that it was because the woman is still friends with her ex. I pressed the issue and she finally admitted that it was her ex that she was calling. She said that when she talked to him, it really “clicked”. She told me that “there is nothing going on.” The calls were all done during the day, in the evenings that I was working, and while I was away on business. She said that there is nothing going on, and they are only friends. That he was helping her deal with her father’s death, because he has been through the same thing. She went home to deal with some issues, and to visit the cemetery, and it is the same town where the ex lives. We live 400 miles from her family. One evening I texted her to see what she was doing, and she told me, sleeping. I told her good night and went to bed. The next morning, I checked the phone records and discovered that she had been talking to the guy when I texted, and they talked for 3 hours that night. The calls have been for anywhere between 30 minutes to 2 hours to 3 hours. I asked her if they talked about anything else besides her dad’s death, and she said that they talked about all kinds of things. I confronted her about the call, and she said, “Are you checking up on me?” Since then, there has not been another call to him. I suspect that she is using a home phone, texting, and Internet chatting with him. I have no way to prove those things.
Some other info about this situation: She found this guy on a social networking site, and has been checking it several times a day, and is one of the first things that she does when she gets home from work. I just discovered the term “emotional affair” and I sent her an email with some links to articles describing emotional affairs. She replied to not send her emails with “psychoanalytical email links, they piss me off.”
What I would like to know, is she having an emotional affair? What should I do about it? I don’t think that we can move on until she cuts off contact with this guy. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
H:38 W:37 Married:15 years S:7 D:5 S:4 Bomb dropped Feb 2010 Affair Discovered Mar 10 Divorced Sep 11
get as much info as you can get a keylogger...listen to what she says when she says dont send her informative emails on affairs...I did the same shirt- shes beyoung logic and morals, she's lying to her H and getting emotional needs met outside the m.
Get as much evidence as possible, do not confront her immediately, build your case, etc etc...if you confront her or when you confront her- do not confront her first...Allen will have more to say on that.
But, when you do confront her, do not disclose your intel...she will manipulate you by lying, downplaying, etc etc...if you NEVER tell her how you know, your sources are safe and you can continue to monitor.
There will be LOTS of lies...dont engage her, walk away-
Again hold off on confronting her...let her know you want the M to work and that you will protect it from OP whom are attacking it.
GAL, be responsible, be detached and MATURE- do NOT BE EMOTIONAL
And yes, your wife is showing all the key indicators of an EA
DR will not work on an EA, you need to attack the EA
Jasper's on the right track
1. Collect Intel 2. Expose the EA to supportive friends and family, and OMW if he's married 3. Confront W with an intervention 4. Protest and Protect yourself
The OM is not married. I confronted her already about the issue. She hasn't called again, at least not on her cell phone. I asked her today if she still had contact with him, and she admitted to texting him. Will be discussing this with her when she returns tomorrow. Thanks for the advice, will update with any progress or regression.
H:38 W:37 Married:15 years S:7 D:5 S:4 Bomb dropped Feb 2010 Affair Discovered Mar 10 Divorced Sep 11
Tell her if she wants to work on her marraige then she needs to STOP disrespecting you by having secret conversations with FORMER PARTNERS... that is VERY RUDE
She's pushing your boundaries both to test you and to explore other options if her marriage gets worse... she is looking for a lifeboat.. she does NOT want to leave your marriage ALONE.
Start looking for a VERY GOOD Family Therapist and INFORM her you are looking for one.
Do not press her to commit to any sessions yet, just tell her your marriage is the most important thing to you so you are doing very careful research first.
Go OUT ad BUY Divorce REMEDY and Divorce Busting, as well as Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.. those three...
When you discuss this don't make it sound like you are begging :
"I asked her today if hse stil had contact with him" makes you sound weak and she will exploit that.
Just say
"You said you wanted to work on our marriage, but you are contacting other men in secret... If you want to END our MARRIAGE you should at least be doing that to my FACE, not behind my back. I am working to improve our marriage, but I will not do that while my partner is engaged in infidelity behind my back. I see no point in me doing work on our marriage while you are in contact with him...you're just trying to distract me... I'm not an idiot, please don't treat me like one. If you want to work on a marriage, then put time into THAT, not into an affair."
Something forceful that gets the point across that you aren't gonig to be walked on...
You need to SHOW her significant improvement FAST.
Buy those books, make sure you leave them laying around so she might see them... do NOT WAVE THEM AT HER.. she's not an idiot.
Also, do NOT use words like "seeing" and "relationship' to describe what she's building with this guy... use words like "affair" and "cheating" and "infidelity"
You need to be FORCEFUL here so she realizes you won't be pushed around or used. If you sound weak she will just keep doing it and then you are headed down some VERY PAINFUL roads my friend.
"THAT guy is NOT going to improve our marriage, he's making it A LOT WORSE... if you want to talk to someone, we need to work on finding a qualfied professional... THAT GUY IS NOT GOING TO HELP YOU...do you know how many people start cheating on their spouses and end up doing a LOT OF DAMAGE to each other when they COULD have worked on and saved their marriages instead?"
Tell her if she wants to work on her marraige then she needs to STOP disrespecting you by having secret conversations with FORMER PARTNERS... that is VERY RUDE
She's pushing your boundaries both to test you and to explore other options if her marriage gets worse... she is looking for a lifeboat.. she does NOT want to leave your marriage ALONE.
Start looking for a VERY GOOD Family Therapist and INFORM her you are looking for one.
Do not press her to commit to any sessions yet, just tell her your marriage is the most important thing to you so you are doing very careful research first.
Go OUT ad BUY Divorce REMEDY and Divorce Busting, as well as Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.. those three...
When you discuss this don't make it sound like you are begging :
"I asked her today if hse stil had contact with him" makes you sound weak and she will exploit that.
Just say
"You said you wanted to work on our marriage, but you are contacting other men in secret... If you want to END our MARRIAGE you should at least be doing that to my FACE, not behind my back. I am working to improve our marriage, but I will not do that while my partner is engaged in infidelity behind my back. I see no point in me doing work on our marriage while you are in contact with him...you're just trying to distract me... I'm not an idiot, please don't treat me like one. If you want to work on a marriage, then put time into THAT, not into an affair."
Something forceful that gets the point across that you aren't gonig to be walked on...
You need to SHOW her significant improvement FAST.
Buy those books, make sure you leave them laying around so she might see them... do NOT WAVE THEM AT HER.. she's not an idiot.
Leaving a book like that around allows you to say something to your spouse without pursuing them or being invasive at all... worked well in my home.. at the time I actually discovered this tactic by accident... I just got blasted one day for leaving them lying around... I hadn't even realized it was bothering her...
