Is it too late to expose affair?

[gardengirl72]

I would appreciate any feed back I can get.


In June 2005, my H's ex-girlfriend called and asked if he wanted to meet his 25 yo daughter. Long story short, they met, EX told him she still loved him and wanted to be with him. Desperate to meet daughter, told EX he would tell me he would leave me....my first bomb. .....H decided later things would not work out with EX and didn't 'NEED' EX to get to know daughter!


Second bomb came 2 1/2 years later when I found out they had started talking (I had suspected) and found my H at her apartment (her and her H had separated and have since divorced)....H said he needed time to figure out what he wanted to do...I still wanted to work on marriage...I felt and still do that the EX was playing on his emotions of not seeing daughter (not his fault) all those years. At this point, I tried talking to the OW, but she would not answer her phone or come to her door! She told H she was afraid I would do something to her...PLEASE!! Sign of guilt maybe!!


H was going to stay at our cabin up north for a couple months 'to get things right in his head'....I got the ILYBNILWY... and I would NEVER divorce you...you are a great person, but I think we have drifted apart.....


Before he left, he fell off a roof (Karma?!!) was in the hospital for nine days.....we fell back into our lives, for the most part acting 'as if'.


I didn't find this site until 10/09, but, unfortunately didn't really start adhering to the info until it was too late.


Third bomb was 2/10 when H said I'm going up north to live. He said, after much prodding from me (I know, I know I was wrong!!)H doesn't want to be married anymore. He says it is not the EX (he is still talking to her) He is saying life is too short to do things I don't want to....I have never stopped him from doing what he wants to...We were always supportive of each other. He started talking this way after a friend of his died.


Sorry, long story short isn't so short. My question is, do I still expose the affair? He is telling people the reason I am not up north is because I have chosen to stay at our other house....we are retired and were going to retire up north.

I have only contacted him when he has called me first and I return his call...I'm giving him his space....but I don't think it is fair him blaming me.


Thank you...I appreciate all your insight....gg

[Allen A]

ok

maybe we can draft a timeline for easier reference, but I think i followed most of it. I work better with tables and timelines than a paragraph, but either way... I can make some comments...

1. Your husband is clearly infaturated with this woman
2. This woman is clearly a threat to your marriage
3. His daughter is old enough that he does NOT need to contact OW to be a father to his daughter.
4. Your H sorry to say it is playing you. MANY people having affairs suddenly have this urge to take a trip, a vacation, stay elsewhre to clear their head, separate, or find themselves. This TRIP is just him trying to get himself into a place where he can cheat and not be caught.

I suspect he is NOT ALONE wherever he is right now.

I would drop in unexpectedly if I were you.. if that's possible. I would NOT believe for a second he's alone.

Do you expose? YES! ALWAYS EXPOSE.. tell his damn daughter for starters.

Tell OW's separated Husband too... tell him his wife is now hitting on YOUR husband ... tell this man to talk to his wife and get their $hit together.

I seriously would not sit back and watch my husband stray in the convenience of a cabin someplace to hide from you.

That's what he's donig, he's NOT facing reality, he's escaping it by hiding out with OW (I suspect).

Phil McGraw says this all the time

"Separation does not make sense unless there is a risk o physical or emotional abuse... the way to resolve marital problems is to STAY connected and WORK OUT THE PROBLEM... moving AWAY from your partner solves NOTHING... it just drags OUT the time it takes TO get to a SOLUTION"

Your husband does NOT want a solution he wants to cake eat. He wants to stay married and he wants to sleep with this OW... so he hides away so he can do it freely.

Do NOT allow that.

Show up and tell him that.

Do you two have chlidren?

How old are they?

If they are 21 or older expose to THEM immeidiately.

[jasper67]

^ do this

Sorry you are here...hate to hear the same shirt- life's too short, I wanna do what I wanna do, I'm not happy, etc, etc.

KEEP POSTING, dont try to do it on your own...the people here are great.

[gardengirl72]

Thanks Allen and Maynard....I think my sitch is different than most...I know reality says differently. The OW's H remarried last year....this has been going on for almost 5 years.


My LONG full thread is in 'newcomers' under 'quietly watching....need help'. (in that I mistakenly typed OW called for first time 6/95, it was actually 6/05)

At the time my H left, 2/10/10, he said no longer wants to be married. To his credit, he did tell me he wanted to see OW as he still has feelings for her (from all those years ago) and can't understand why! He thinks he needs to find out once and for all, if they had a chance, would it work. Before when he would leave, he told me he needed to think because he didn't want to make a mistake and leave me and find out it was the wrong choice. This time, he flat out said I don't want to be married.


At this point, I'm not sure I want to be married either.

I have a daughter (31) from a previous marriage (X is an alcoholic)she was 8 yrs old when we married, basically only father she has known.

Other daughter, from OW (explained in other sitch) is 30 married and has daughter (grandchild)18mos.

Family on both sides (mine and H) know of OW. The girls do not. H's family is behind me 100%. I have hesitated telling the girls in case we were to get back together. I'm not sure how my Step-daughter would take it if she knew her mother was doing this...I lean more towards her not believing me....then if we do get back together there is a riff between her and I after H waited years to have a relationship with her.

OK...I have read this and see how ridiculous this sounds....feel free to use 2x4's now

At this point, I don't think there is anything, as far as the affair goes, that I can do that won't push my H further away. I have gone 'dark' and do not call him....giving him his space....but I'm not so naive as to believe they haven't seen each other either.


Thanks for your help...gg

[Allen A]

Giving someone space when they are having an affair is NOT reccomended.

I don't reccomend pursuing H either.

My advice is pretty consistent on this forum

Expose to any and all friends and family who will support you and apply PRESSURE on H to END his AFFAIR.

EXPOSE to everyone you think may support you.

While THEY are working on your H, you can sit back and get your bearings, this is a lot to deal with I know.... but your family can be much more effective and objective than you, so ask tehm to support you and apply pressure.

YOU will be confronting OW.

[Allen A]

Also gardengirl, i WOULD definitely expose to his newfound daughter.

She may put some pressure on her mother... the more pressure and embarassment you can put her through on her end the quicker you will put this affair to an END.

You may not want your husband back, but that's no reason to enable your husband to cheat on you.

Phil McGraw always says you have a right to end your marriage, but you have to earn your way out, you can't go sneaking out the back door lying and cheating... that is NOT the way to end a marriage... it indignifies many years of commitment and your marriage is worth ending it with the respect it deserves.

[gardengirl72]

OK, so Allen, how do you suggest I bring this up to step-daughter?

I will really have to weigh the issue, because I know for a fact if I do that, my H would NEVER speak to me again and any form of reconciliation would be lost!!

My H has had 25 years of emotional turmoil and 5 years of joy at having been reunited with his daughter. He doesn't 'see' her mother as a threat to that relationship. Even though it is OW's fault for H not knowing daughter in first place!! He says he is so happy to finally have a chance to be with daughter....I can't 'win' either way.

Applying pressure to end affair has sent him up north to live....that didn't work either

I have tried to confront OW...she refused to talk to me!

It really does seem impossible .....gg

[gardengirl72]

As per Allen A:

"You may not want your husband back, but that's no reason to enable your husband cheat on you.
Phil McGraw always says you have a right to end your marriage, but you have to earn your way out, you can't go sneaking out the back door lying and cheating... that is NOT the way to end a marriage... it indignifies many years of commitment and your marriage is worth ending it with the respect it deserves."


I don't feel I'm 'sneaking out the back door'....and I feel by not involving my step-daughter I am 'ending it with respect.' I do KNOW my H is being disrespectful to me, but that doesn't mean I need to do the same. ~gg

[Allen A]

yup, you got it.. I am not suggesting you are sneaking out any back doors, I meant HE was.

Re pressure to end affair.. you ca'nt pressure H.. it has to be OW and OWD etc... you expose this to friends and family, ANYONE you KNOW who will apply pressure to your H to END the AFFAIR.

YOU do NOT directly pressure H in ANY WAY. It's too stressful for you and it will just do more damage.

You build a team of support around you to pressure him to act his age.

You need to start exposing to anyone who may help you and speak up on your behalf.

If H will be THAT livid that you exposed to his daughter, you expose to someone that will expose to her.

Is your H giong to remain up north indefinitely?

has he packed his things up yet?

Definiately expose to your children... looks like your D is old enough to know what her F is doing to her mother... go there too..

Exposure is your most powerful weapon against an affair.. being nice or pursuing husband to reconsider just drives him further away... everyone tries it, I don't reccomend you try that... it has never worked with anyone on this forum... NEVER.

[gardengirl72]

AA thanks for your reply...

Sorry, I thought previous post was directed at me.

H has moved up north...the cabin is actually a year around house that we used to spend week-ends at, but since retiring, have been spending more time at. Everything he needs/wants is there.....the land, the boat, the ATV, the tractor, basically all his 'toys'.....for the last 20 years this is where we were planning to retire to.

Family members have said friends are puzzled as to why I'm not there...H is telling them I'm choosing not to come. "We're living in two different zip codes now" H says.

Family members have not said anything about OW to these people because they weren't sure how I would feel...I have since told all to go ahead and tell the truth as to why he is there by himself! (I just wasn't sure if I should expose him to friends too)

Thanks again... ~gg