I am curious as to what others have experienced. I have been divorced for closing in on 6 mos and it was a whirlwind of getting here. Before, during, and after the divorce I was a attracted to my ex. I saw her and thought--she is very good looking and so forth. Lately--and this seems to be a relatively recent transformation I look at her and I am not very (at all sometimes) attracted to her. I'm wondering for those who have gotten a divorce or been separated for a while what your experience has been with this?
Is it a normal part of the healing that happens and is it a part of my "script?" I love it that the Walk Away spouses have thier own script but I am wondering if tehre should be a documented script for the LBS's.
Thoughts?
Thanks for all!
I'm not sure i want to be married to you anymore - 8-30-09 ILYBINILWY = 9-4-09 Busted her on a date 9-19-09 Separation - 9-21-09 Divorce - 10-9-09 S15 S13 S10 M - 18 Years
During my whole separation experience, I was very attracted to my W, probably because of the whole "want what you can't have" thing. In order to detach and move on I have limited my exposure to my W to the bare minimum, and in the rare cases I'm in her presence I keep it to business, I avoid looking at her, and I don't linger. It has done wonders for me. I am detached from her, and I have moved on, with great benefit. As of now I don't know if I'm attracted to her because I don't even consider it. It's been so long since I've even really looked at her.
Yes, I believe that this is typical for the LBS. This is why most of the divorces occur. The LBS moves on, and by the time the WAS wants to return, the LBS is in another relationship or too far gone. The WAS is left with nothing more than regret. Rejection can only be tolerate for so long, and once you have detached, you will notice her flaws and the attractiveness of other women (more than normal). When you are in the middle of the whole thing, you only see the best in your wife, or at least that is what you remember (if I had only done this, she's so wonderful, etc), until you really open your eyes and see the truth, detach and ultimately move on. At least this is what I believe, not an expert by any means.
M:39 W:37 Together: 16 years Married: 11 years Bomb: May '09 (ILYBNILWY) Moved out: Nov '09 D: 10, 8, 4
It's a really slow process. The WAS spouse is typically looking at all options. Constantly comparing the LBS to others. Others look like the better option at first, but as time passes, and the anger fades, the WAS starts to slowly remember the good parts of the marriage, becoming nostalgic. This process is very slow, but the more that you work on yourself, the better the option you become. The others have to be better and better over time, until ultimately they have to be Brad Pitt, or whatever the ideal woman is. The irony to the whole situation is that the more time that passes, the more the LBS doesn't want the WAS.
Currently, most LBS are working on themselves, growing, becoming better individuals. Sometimes they become frustrated not seeing the same growth in the WAS. The WAS has to sort of see what the other side holds, and thus grows only when they experience some sort of setback or tragedy (typically getting dumped in a relationship). Hopefully this doesn't happen, but as time passes, the LBS turns and doesn't look back any longer. They are tired of waiting for the WAS to grow, or get so frustrated at the slow rate.
You have this knowledge and hopefully can curb your impulses. Ultimately, you need to look at your long term goal. What do you want, and you will likely re-evaluate every day. Think of it as the scales of justice. Currently, you are holding the scale, are blindfolded, and the sands are heavy on the side of divorce. The more time that passes, and the better you become puts a little bit of sand on the side of reconciliation. How long can you hold the scale? When will this become too heavy? How much patience do you have to let the small trickle of reconciliation pour into the lighter side?
M:39 W:37 Together: 16 years Married: 11 years Bomb: May '09 (ILYBNILWY) Moved out: Nov '09 D: 10, 8, 4
Another analogy is driving from NY to LA(reconciliation and growth). The LBS has seen the light, has a map and is heading directly for LA. The WAS doesn't know where they are going, they just get in the car and drive, so they head up to Boston, back to Miami, over to Detroit, down to New Orleans, up to DC, and so forth. The LBS has a tracking system and sees all of the turns the WAS is taking, wanting desperately to point them in the right direction. The WAS won't listen, and spends lots of time, money, and effort not getting anywhere. The LBS grows more and more frustrated at the distance between them. How long will the LBS wait in LA for the WAS to arrive? As time passes, the compass starts working for the WAS, then start honing in on the direction, but still are driving all over the place. It ends up taking the WAS a very long time to arrive.
M:39 W:37 Together: 16 years Married: 11 years Bomb: May '09 (ILYBNILWY) Moved out: Nov '09 D: 10, 8, 4
I'm loving this thread- I know that much of this is psychology and I can understand that there are a lot of forces at work; and that it is a process.
It's funny b/c I've been in NC for almost a week now- I know that's really nothing compared to most others, but we all know how hard it was to get just one 24 hrs in...
W/ has texted a few times now, but nothing requiring a reply...I do love her very much, but I can see why NC is the best option for some sitches.
I actually feel like some of my fog is wearing off- I REALLY am more aware now of the negatives in the R pre-bomb- and someof the "want what you cant have" syndrome is wearing off as well- the sad part is like you mention above...
When I see what WAW is doing, her lies, self-deception, anger, resentments, etc-- I find it totally unattractive now...let alone the A's and 13 yo- chasing "happiness" mentality...
In know that some sitches dont work this way- but the regret has to be there...I read a thread yest by a woman D a year or so, having probs w/ OM and looking over her shoulder at EH...I do believe that will happen in most sitches.
I'm actually coming to a point where I can see this as a journey and not sheer torture/hell...I am almost excited to see what happens next...
maynard, I'm at the same point, no longer torture/hell. I'm also curious to see where this goes next. Right now I really don't want contact with my spouse. I see her flaws, but also the good in her. I have a realistic view, but it's disappointing to see how crazy the WAS thought process can be. It's very much like dealing the maturity of a toddler, and you have to deal with the WAS in that manner (temper tantrums, crying, and everything else that goes with it).
Draw back, work on your own growth and well being. You won't be able to control anything in your spouse. Exerting energy on your spouse will only wear you down, and your attitude will suffer.
M:39 W:37 Together: 16 years Married: 11 years Bomb: May '09 (ILYBNILWY) Moved out: Nov '09 D: 10, 8, 4
Draw back, work on your own growth and well being. You won't be able to control anything in your spouse. Exerting energy on your spouse will only wear you down, and your attitude will suffer.
Very true. Detach and make your life better.
K4D
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I'm at the point too where I have taken off the rose coloured glasses and am living for me now. I'm actually excited about the unknown that is my life now.
I got to the point where I just stopped fighting my feelings, fighting the separation, fighting the fact I still loved my h even after everything he has done to hurt me. Acceptance of the situation has done me the world of good.
