Hi all Partner and I at loggerheads. A complicating factor is he suffers severe depression which treatment hasn't helped so far, not in 3.5 years, anyway. I am exhausted and worn down from being responsible for everything, and his refusal to do anything about the depression other than take pills and expect me to look after him. For the last year, we have been together virtually 24/7, and done quite well at it, I believe, given the artificiality of the situation, but it's worn us both down. Living with a depressed person who never smiles and can't communicate with you or give you any affection ever is a lonely and wearying place to be. After 4 years together, he's starting to explode all the time and I am walking on eggshells, can't seem to do anything right. He also does it in public. We are in a horrible situation where by the end of the year we will be homeless unless we can pull something together. We have looked at all options, but mostly it's up to me to try and get us out of this mess. We are on the verge of breaking up. He is so angry all the time and I have developed anorexia as a result, and am at a very low weight. He says he needs "space", (we both do) because he can no longer sort out who he is from the depression. He feels nothing for me, but then says he feels that way about everything. He says that with this "space", it can't have any time parameters around it. I can understand that, because it would feel restrictive. I think we are both in the situation where things are such a mess in our lives and our relationship that we just need some breathing space from each other. He wants to move into a unit my mother has, because he can live there rent free. I am ok with that, but I don't know whether that's going to mean I have to move from where we are now (renting), because I have nowhere to go except back to my mother's, and we can only live with each other a short while. We are going to discuss it tonight, and while I''m not going to try and make him stay, I am wondering, is indefinite space a good thing to have (especially as we both want it)or not? He says he doesn't think we necessarily have to split up, just that he needs space. He cannot work, and I am now looking for work, which I need to do not just financially, but for myself, psychologically. Being so thin also strains my energy, but I know I won't get well unless I look after me, too, and not just him. I am hoping also that a break would help him see that I am not the sole cause of his depression, nor am I responsible for fixing him, nor are the doctors. (he is a passive victim type who believes it's always other's fault and others will fix him). That said, there are many fine qualities about him (though I haven't seen much of it in years), and we can usually communicate fairly well. I also wonder how much is "depression" and how much is him just expecting others to be responsible for his emotional and physical well-being. Is a geographical/living break a good idea, or would it just entrench the idea that we are better off without each other? I believe if I get work and we can sort out our living arrangements, it might help a lot of this and his anger/frustration.
Metta: Is a geographical/living break a good idea, or would it just entrench the idea that we are better off without each other? I believe if I get work and we can sort out our living arrangements, it might help a lot of this and his anger/frustration.
It can go either way. Since it can go either way, you should pick what is best for YOUR health and YOUR housing, not his. Do not go under for him. You may never be able to "help" him and certainly the way things are is hurting you. Literally do you want to starve helping him? You might be enabling a bit of his passive victim mentality by bailing him out.
If you do separate, also do not give him your mother's better apartment and leave yourself stranded. He is an adult. Not a child. Even if he is sick. It is time to take care of you. If he chooses to take care of himself, you can work on your relationship in a few months.
It sounds like yours is the type of situation where a break could be to everyone's benefit. If the marriage does not survive the "break" and "space" (and it very well might survive or benefit from it), at least YOU will survive.
This is just one person's' opinion, but your health and survival sounds like it is at risk.
