Is there anything at all, anything that I can say or do to stop wifes' divorce?
What's frustrating is we know what's wrong with our spouse and can not help only lengthen it.
I've read enough books and been on here to know what not to do.
And I did most of it anyway. I realize now that she was thinking divorce darn near right after the bomb.
For most of it, she has followed mlc checklist other than affair. I know stress and depression are huge in this and she can't see it.
Is there anyway to get to the rational mind?
Shoot I thought about just sending bits of the mlc for dummies checklist with her emails attatched to certain parts.
As for myself, I'm buying a farm house, that is going to take yrs to get right.
I need to get over this anxiety, but this is the dilema, I'm getting divorced by a girl that yeah dang it I still love and yes I'm detached.
I know I was the one for her and I know what got us here.
She hasn't seen it, but I did I went all in to protect her, even sped up the divorce for her, only because a judge was going to hand her her butt over the kids and make her sell the house.
I really am sacrificing all for her, I feel great about myself for that.
She was broken and stressed since I met her, but see now I know the depression she didn't even know she had,it was masked with ocd and she was always "broken" or can't cook, saying was that wrong and now I know she didn't feel worthy of the praise I heaped,too.Her dad was different and distant, and unfortunately we've lived a similar life as she did.
Sorry her therapy hasn't been more helpful. It's very possible she needed meds all along to even get any benefit from her therapy or to not take it the suggestive things they say there so literally as to think you are stealing her "voice." I don't know what to say. I'm sorry you are going through this.
I don't know there is any way to help anyone else think anything. It will only come across as pressure. Heavy reliance on a therapist to tell her what to think is another example of a lost "voice." If she's lost, she'll replace her identity with therapy stuff for awhile. If she ever comes out of depression, maybe she will find a voice. But if she's had OCD and chronic depression (unmedicated?) so long, sounds like she'll never find her way. Some therapists don't encourage clients who could benefit from meds to get them either. They like clients who need to come for a year or longer and never get better. Sounds harsh, but it exists. I had a friend in therapy for four years and there was never much wrong with him. His family was just willing and able to pay. Now that he's on prozac, he doesn't need therapy and his worries and thoughts aren't so circular. Hmm...
It could lift on its own in the future and she could realize she divorced someone she loved for no good reason, but I don't see how you can hurry that process up. And if and when that happens, why should you wait? It could just happen again in the future if she does not do very careful self care of meds or if not meds, therapy and a ton of exercise of some sort or whatever it takes. The lifestyle self care stuff some IC's talk about. Sorry not to sound more hopeful at this point.
It seems you have tried. Only you know how she will respond to you emailing that MLC for Dummies thing. Seems like she will tune it out and think, "He wants me to be having an MLC because he's trying to "silence" my "voice" just like the therapist said." It's just a tragic, ridiculous mess. Sorry.
I'm pretty new here also but am learning a lot along the way about working on ME and not worrying about my MLC'er.
My H dropped the bomb on me Dec 2nd, came from out of no where. The is round 2 for me with him as he has left once before, threatened divorce and then returned home.... and without being aware of what had happened and how to HELP him while helping myself FIRST..... he is now gone again.!
This time he filed for D right away. WHAT? WAIT! Talk about panic, desperation all of those feelings I went through right away... but slowly and mainly from this forum, I have learned to not allow it to be about ME and ANYTHING I CAN DO to change it, change HIS MIND, as I know I CAN'T.... NOTHING I do matters and I know this now...when he first left I thought if I always looked extra sexy when he saw me it would help, I worked out twice as hard as I normally do, even my changing and growing (and he did notice this and even mentioned it and said how proud he was of me ) still....this did not change his mind. So, I let him GO.... I had to.... WHY in the world would I want him to be back with me now? Like this? His mind on OW/living his life for right now in replay. I know FOR SURE he doesn't FEEL that he loves me, and why would I want him BACK until I KNOW he has gone through this and has it out of his system...then IF he returns to me, IF ITS GOD's WILL for our marriage to be restored, it will be then that I can KNOW in my heart that HE truly LOVES me and WANTS to be with me, seeing, experiencing everything else and realizing he was wrong by divorcing me...
All the while, I worked on ME..and continue to get better and stronger and grow!
This is just how I HALF TO SEE IT NOW.... it helps me to feel WORTHY of GOOD, of unconditional LOVE, of being treated fairly and with respect.
I love him. I always will. I will NEVER marry again. He knows this. I take my vows very seriously. I have Faith and I pray that he will find what he needs on this journey to help him. I can only pray for him. I ( the woman that loves him unconditionally, has been through hell and back with him many times, loved and forgave him through an affair, drug addiction, etc, the mother of his children, his best friend, CAN NOT BE THE ONE THAT HELPS HIM THROUGH THIS, I CANT FIX HIM. I CANT MAKE IT BETTER. I CANT MAKE IT GO AWAY. I AM ONLY STANDING IN HIS WAY.
Wow, this is so helpful even to me to share with you how I see things. I know everyone sees and feels differently but just remember as all those that have been here for a very long time teach us, they are insane right now, they are confused and the best thing we can do is see them with compassionate eyes, love them from a distance, and take care of OURSELVES.
AYK, Round2 gave you some very wise advice, I'm going to take it as well.
Throw yourself into the farm house you bought. Make it a wonderful home for you and your kids. I can attest to what taking an old house and giving it new life can do for your PMA. The results are something you can see and take pride in everyday. It is also a great GALing activity, and is something that can satisfy the fixer in you. Just remember that you can't fix this for your W, only God in His own time can do that. Get out of the way, love from a distance, and work on yourself for yourself.
Unfortunately with the depression and stuff, there is no changing her mind, huh?
I called her the othernight, all I said is hey you were a great wife, if you're up to seeing an old friend and want to have a capt and a diet coke, give me a call, btw way wife, none of this is your fault.
she texted me the next day about picking up D, texted back can't tell me how to drive down the street, your not my parent and not my wife much longer,how bout you just work on you,depression makes you controlling, goodbye.
Talked to shrink today said yeah ayk she's done, he said he threw a lot of things at her and all she said is may be right, but I don't want to be married, we're incompatable and when she goes out to see friends, her mood is actually better,work handed me my butt, no one understands a broken heart and having no control, for the most part I've done the right thing and we'll see what she and her atty offer, I could be the pope right now and that isnt't going to change a thing, so continue to work on myself and see.
Stress and depression are terrible things it sux knowing what and how and can't stop it, she told the shrink she knows i love her and would stand on my head for hours for her, but she's giving up anyway.
So guess I go back to beginning.
I know in my heart I'm the best man for her and no I'm not bitter or angry.
Think from here I'll post to others, that's really the best way to learn and of corse pray for that chance cause man it really hurts, I know for sure beaten and broken isn't going to work, counting on just being the light house and my family being nice that someday she goes what I lost my mind and reward her for good behavior.
Got two texts that weren't ?'s so I didn't reply.
It is it is sinking in, hit me today, I know she's put me in a mlc too, so we're both depressed and feel controlled and short and looking for anything to make us feel better.
Also hit me, that when ur in mlc you want to fix others before yourself, need to keep fixing myself.
I feel I am the best woman for my H too and I am not bitter or angry either.
H told me he is happier when out with his new friends and that he just doesnt have it in him to work on us anymore. He knows I love him but he is giving up anyway..
I know all too well how you feel and it sucks!
BUT...I will say this. I know HE IS INSANE right now. I KNOW deep down inside he loves me too, he just says he doesn't because he can't FEEL it right now...
So, okay off you go then...on your Journey and while your away I will pray for you and I will never stop loving you and I will GROW and change and better myself! AND WHEN you come home someday, I will be here ready for you! Until then, and who knows how long it will be.... I will be compassionate and love you in spite of yourself.
Take Care, I will be thinking of you and can relate all too well. I know how deeply it hurts. Don't give up on her!
I guess there is no way in heck to get through to her.
Texts from her the otherday.
She is sad for the 4 of us, but not guilty.
She cooked,cleaned,paid bills,worked,bragged for me.You know the perfect wife stuff.But she did, but not just for me of course, we do have 2 kids.
She said I never listened to her or shared or did things together.
She said I caused her more stress.
She's got in her head I've said stuff about her like a whore or slut, no I haven't,I know its mlc venom.
I'm 180 the control thing with her and d hasn't gotten me far yet, but with regards to d for now it is best to wanted.
I read Jacks thread for hrs last night. The biggest 180 for me to her is not to try to fix things and not be helpful and be more involved with the kids.
Which is why work told me they were going to let me go, no one understands co-parentig with an mlc!
It's funny because I'm not the rally the troops bad a$$ son of a gun they were used to and really just knocked in the dirt, worried about a family they want to turn it on me too.
Oh well, I'll turn that around, there is no way I'm giving them what I gave before, cost my wife and I both the doing things together and as a family for 15yrs.
That's another healthy thing, I haven't been poring hrs into job and not so stressed as you would think. Got some ideas on other things.
Whew, for me today son and 3 of his friends a torn up duplex and looking at stuff for the farm house:)dirt bike and yeah I'm going to get a crotch rocket.
Man I made so many mistakes on this deal, so I'll DB as the divorced spouse and see what that does.
Whats tough is my sitch is like Amy's, my wife asked me to leave and she has the kids and all the creature comforts.
I was reading in the resources. THAT MOST RETURN TO THEIR CORE values.
I know now the depression is what causes the anger. The depression causes the need for light conversation. I know now that when your are depressed anything that makes you feel like you are being told, you explode. The depression caused the divorce and all emotions towards me. Everything has been about me with her and I add to her "stress." The depression is why she feels for the first time she is doing what she needs to do, visit family, get her car. and it is definately about her and what she did for me and I didn't listen."Together,share,listen,stress,common theme."
She's smart if I validate she goes off with the mindgames comments.
My dad got on me about the farmhouse to me it felt like he was telling me and man I went off like a teenager. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I cried, I calmed down called him back. But the whole time I felt like being controlled or put down by him,work,her and I too am looking for anything to make me feel better but in the end still empty.But when he comes around I feel like a teen with him being the parent.
I went ah shoot that's what i'm doing to her. I also think my wife is acting like a 14yr old, she's just like my daughter,doesn't like anything only cares about what she wants to do.But this too, parents are wierd or embarrassing 12-18 and my wife will call me a bunch of names, but wierd is one she calls an awful lot. I'm going to continue this post.
