Hi everyone I’ve been reading the forum for a couple of months now, hope you all have your coffee to hand cos this will be a long post. First some background information, been with hubby 24 yrs, married nearly 12 yrs, been with him nearly 12 yrs before we married, were both 40 we have 2 children, b21 and g19. When I look back my h’s MLC started some way back in August 2008, he met the ow in 0ct 2008 according to him has friends first (Yeah right) she was 26 and as a child of 6. I did not know about the A until July 2009 when my daughter broke the news to me, I threw him out in may 2009 nothing to with affair as at this point I didn’t know anything it was do with the fact that he was never at home and he started spending money like it had gone out of fashion. He came back in June and then disappeared again after coming back from Benidorm with 50 lads for his 40th and his brother’s stag do in July. We had just come back from a weekend away in July it was a sort of date (I didn’t know that he was comparing me to her at the time and he wanted to see if he still loved me) We had a ball and for the first time in months we enjoyed each other and not one argument. When we came back he went back to his friends flat (or so I thought) and texted me to say he really enjoyed the weekend away and he wanted to come home. This was on the Sunday he moved back home but didn’t fetch his clothes, he still had some here but I asked why he hadn’t brought his stuff he said he would later on the week, I was none the wiser. Fast forward to Wednesday of the next week I came home from work early as I had started with diarrhoea, when I got home my daughter was up we started chatting she had been a bit hostile towards her dad since the Monday of that wk and I asked her what was wrong she said nothing I could tell she was upset and kept asking until she broke down and told me her dad was having an affair I couldn’t believe what she was saying I asked her how she knew she said on Monday evening when she was making a drink a text came through on her dads phone which he was charging next to the kettle, she said she wouldn’t normally look but it was the name on the text that caught her eye ( babyjane) so she read it and it said “I love you and I know you love me we can get through please come home, Shauna (her daughter)obviously likes you too cos she let you put her to bed”. I literally fell to the floor I felt like someone had stabbed me in the stomach and just kept digging the knife in, my daughter was crying too and she said I’m sorry mum I didn’t want to tell you but couldn’t carry on knowing when you thought everything was ok. I then texted him and told him what I knew and told him not to come back, I went to bed distraught and felt like my whole life had come crashing down on me. He texted saying he was sorry he didn’t mean for this to happen (He didn’t even try to deny it) and said he was coming home cos he wanted to be with me he said she was a mistake and he was finishing it with her before I found out so we could start again. He wouldn’t come to the house to talk after work said I needed time to calm down (how noble of him) this sent me over the edge and I sent some very not nice texts. We did meet up 2 days later I just said WHY. He cried and said I don’t know I didn’t want this to happen it just did, he said he developed feelings for her and the longer it went on the harder he found it to end it with her, I asked if he loved me he said yes that’s why I wanted to come home and finish it with her.
Since this he has been back and forth between the both of us never thought in my wildest dreams I would put up with any of this I’ve always been the strong one out of the both of us, I’m very independent have a good career now, 2 beautiful children, lots of friends and family yet I allowed him to manipulate me, use me, hurt me the blooming list is endless even to this day I ask myself why, I’m not ugly I’ve got a good figure get chatted up by 20 odd yr olds whom think I’m only in my 20,s so why did I allow him to treat me this way. It’s only now I’m starting to realise that the problem was him all along not me, he changed because of his MLC not mine he felt he needed a younger woman to boost his ego and self esteem because of his insecurities not mine. The longest he has been away is 3 wks, which he left on the 11 December 2009 2 days before my daughter’s birthday. I didn’t think I would get through xmas and vowed to myself if I got through xmas in one piece I would make without him forever . After about wk without him I started going out first to the xmas do he hated it thought I would sit and pine for him at home, even though he was at ow house he still texted all the time he also said goodnight before he went to bed, when I went out he asked who I was going with I didn’t say anything, he texted back later saying hope you and your new man have a good night I texted back saying ok will do. I didn’t even know he knew I was going out but apparently he called at the house during the day and my daughter told him I was going out he said why is she going out on Thursday not like your mum. I got home around 2.30am had a good night too despite the fact he kept popping into my head, I had a wash etc and went to bed didn’t even text to say goodnight he texted me 3.15am saying I was obviously still with my new man and he couldn’t believe I would meet someone and do this to him WTF lol. I was working the next day and he continued to text basically saying he left to sort his head out and finish it with her for good and he can’t believe whilst he did this I would go with someone else. I texted back and said I have morals and respect my marriage enough not to jump into bed with anyone (this was a hint at him too). I also told him when I married my vows said to love honour and cherish (we changed obey to cherish, didn’t like the thought of obey lol) i said our vows did not say to “love honour and share” I said you did that not me. I told him I was not prepared to wait while he decided I said I had met someone as a friend and would not jump into bed with him I am not like that I said I need to feel something for someone else even if he didn’t the dirty louse. Previously when we talked about how it had come this he said he felt lonely I was at uni doing a 3 yr course (full time) it took 5 yrs altogether with the 2 yrs at college, I said if you felt like this then why didn’t you talk to me, I do remember he mentioned something last xmas and a couple of times before that, I remember saying I’m in my last yr at uni and I promise when this course is finished we can do all the fun things together again, I was working too and most of the time I was tired, I did this for us it was always my dream to do it and it was our dream to enjoy the benefits. When I was feeling down back in July when all this came out I honestly believed my dream cost me our marriage you will be glad to know I do not think that way anymore, I believe he would have done it anyway at
least I have got good job which I love and can support myself (I feel so sorry those whom have to depend on their h for support wondering is he goner cough up and if so for how long). Anyway I carried on for the next 2 wks going out to friends and night outs when I could, I stopped contacting him just replied when he texted I learnt that me contacting him pushed him away further I also realised sitting in the house waiting for him to call or text only made him think I couldn’t manage without him and made him feel more important, so I turned the tables on him. On Xmas day he turned up cooked dinner with our daughter he brought me a special wife card with money (I had said i wanted money for the sales and to buy me presents when and if he decided to come back) I had previously said I didn’t want him here xmas day and the presents I had bought him would stay here unopened till he had come to his senses and if need be we would have xmas day whenever that was. I put on a brave face throughout the 3 hrs he was here, he then dropped my daughter at her friends and didn’t come back, I just texted and said you could have said bye, he said sorry didn’t want to upset you when I left and because I hadn’t given him a card or one present he thought I didn’t care. I texted back and said I wouldn’t have been upset (I was bluffing) and that I had time to think since he was gone and I realised I am a lot stronger than I thought I was and know I will get through it. On Boxing Day night I went with a friend to club one my husband had wanted me to go to a few yrs ago (they played mine and husband music from when we first met R & B and so on) but I couldn’t go as I worked most weekends then whist I was studying . He texted me the day after saying can’t believe you went there after I asked you and you wouldn’t go. I texted back and said that was when I was too busy I said things have changed now I have more time on my plate and have vowed to make up for the last 5 yrs I missed out on, I said not my problem you chose to go when we it should have been our time. I still carried on texting only when he texted first and leaving it longer to reply, I made sure his friends (his friends are mine too) saw me every time I went out, I made sure I looked drop dead gorgeous (some of his friends have told him they fancy me lol) he hated the fact that I was getting on with my life, don’t get me wrong it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and a lot of the time I had to pretend I was ok, none of his friends know we split up or that he has another woman and his family have no idea, he wouldn’t tell them I certainly wasn’t doing his dirty work for him, sometimes I wanted to tell them so they would talk some sense into him but never did, they did think something was wrong his dad would ring and see if I was ok as they didn’t me see as much I would just say yes I’m fine. I’m very close to his family and his friends adore me so it’s been hard hiding everything, his mother has named me in her will as the person she wishes to sort out her funeral and any monies left to share out which I feel is an honour considering she has 5 children yet has trusted me to do this. Back to h the week starting up to the new yrs eve he rung saying he wanted to come home and had set a date in his head for new yrs eve, i just said we will see not getting my hopes up only to be let down again, we talked at length on the phone on Tuesday and on Wednesday he rung again saying he missed me and after all this time he had started to wake up in a morning and it was my face he saw and couldn’t imagine life without me, he even said this is a bit crude sorry, but said he woke up with an erection and I was the only he wanted to satisfy him.
We made plans to meet on Thursday evening (new yrs eve) we did and spent the night with his family at a local pub and then went to a friend’s party. We had a good night and got home about 5am and he’s been here ever since. We are trying to work through the issues he said it is finished with her even though she continues to beg him to go back she only lives about 15 min car journey away. He said he just ignores her not sure if he does but I’ve decided to play her at her own game. I now no longer question him like before, don’t get me wrong I do ask some days if she’s been in touch and he says yes but that he doesn’t reply back???. I want her to beg and plead that way then she will look like the needy one and I will look like the sane one, whilst he was away I know in the beginning my constant neediness and begging pushed him further to her, so I’ve decided to let her push him back to me with her pleading and begging. We are getting on better and doing lot more things together than before and believe me the sex is on fire lol. She stole over 8 months of my life but I’ve decided if we spend another 20/30 yrs on top of the 24 yrs we have already had then what’s 8 months out of that. I used to think she must be beautiful to have caught my husband’s eye and like many of you have said on here she is not, I have seen some pics on face book and spoke to people whom know her she’s known as the bike in the area she lives and apparently split up another couple before us, well I can TELL you this much she’s messing with the wrong one this time. She doesn’t work lives on benefits not that I have a problem with anyone on benefits what bothered me was he chose her with nothing over me whom had killed myself for the both of us. After looking at the pattern of affairs men tend to chose someone inferior to their wife/partner because this makes the men seem superior to the ow which will keep her clinging on and allow him to call the shots where she is concerned. What I want to know is how do I carry on with detachment now he’s back home he’s been home 2 months now and he does seem happier, but it’s nothing like I’ve read on here and other places that they become a better person for the MLC is it true that this stage can take up to another 12 months and if so any advice on what I do next, this is so hard but don’t want to give up know. Xxxxxx
It may help to see loss as a signal that it's time to change. Obstacles are not always punishments, unless you believe them to be.
but it’s nothing like I’ve read on here and other places that they become a better person for the MLC
??
Who said that?
My wife was fragile, still is, but getting stronger every day.
Quote:
this stage can take up to another 12 months
Well, if he is truely home, then you guys are PIECING, and that is for the rest of your life.
Go slowly, be able to forgive, as long as he is wanting and showing you he should be, do not back down on your boundary involving other woman, be willing to bend on other less important boundaries. Trust but VERFIY that your trust is well placed.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Hi thankyou JTB think what i meant to say was he doesnt really show any remorse as yet??? ive read the way they treat the spouse throughout MLC that once the fogs lifts they cant believe how selfish they were , hes not really mentioned any of it, at times hes sent messages saying oh why did i get myself in this mess and at times he seems quite depressed the next day he seems/appears happy. He does say he loves me and we are talking more about the future, the eye contact is back and he does tell me where hes going and so on. (not sure if its because of the affair but dont trust him as yet)im still detaching but finding it hard now were back living together, im scared that i will be hurt again but dont want to feel as though im pushing him away??? hope that makes sense xxx
Last edited by miracles happen!; 03/08/1009:22 PM.
True piecing means you GET to have the occasional R talk. They should be WILLING to have it, just not dancing for joy about it. You keep it logical and no guilt or heavy emotion burden and you should be good.
Not an R talk every day or 2-5 times a week, but every now and then.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Hi JTB, he was remorseful just before he came home and at times he looks like he wants to talk or is in deep thought but when i ask if he is ok he pauses as if he wants to say something but then doesnt. i dont ask questions about us i let him initiate these convos in fact i try to let him make the first move with anything concerning our relationship, we have talked about going on holiday etc and we do enjoy ourselves when we go out, do i continue to let him open up or should i prompt him or just let it take it its course xxx
Hi JTB maybe he does want to talk but is waiting for me to ask questions regarding affair etc, if i have anything on my mind RE: if hes late or doesnt answer my text/call i usually ask why he ignored me or was late, the other night he went to a friends and i didnt bother to ring so he rung me and said im just letting you know im still at so and so's i could hear is friend in the background he said i didnt want you worrying he also said thought you might have checked up on me by now, because of everything i dont know whats the truth anymore. I have been and read some of the piecing threads and alot of the questions i have going through my head are actually pointed out on there so at least its normal in some way thankyou for replying im sure il have plenty more but thankyou
I am a little confused. I read your post and just tell me again..... Your Husband left when? And now he is home? And there is no remorse? Any relationship talk?
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Miracels happen, This sounds a whole lot like the first time my H first returned home to me. He was loving and would look at me in the eyes, but he had no remorse at first. He even seemed to still be rebelling in many ways -despite coming home.He often seemed to be thinking quietly in his head and reflecting alot. I walked on egg shells the whole time he was back from aug '07 - dec '07. then all of a sudden out the blue - he left me for the second time with all the same MLC spew I heard the first time. While he was gone the 2nd time for another 5 months he again saw his little stripper friend he was infatuated with many times. So can only believe that even though he was home with me from aug-dec '07 his heart and head were still not clear. He was in the midst of making the decision he needed to make about us and our life and it was just too hard to do when he was around me. He needed to leave again that second time.
He teetered and tootered on this idea for a long time and until he was clearly ready to come home FOR GOOD he was kind of in a fog and queit and not completely remorseful.
Now two years later, I can say that I have seen a lot more remorse on his final return. NOW we are peicing, before he was still flip - flopping. And it sounds to me your H may be in the same predicament.
Hi brand new day my hubby left the first time last may (i didnt know about the o/w until 2 months after he had gone he was gone for 3 and half months. The second time he left he left for a month on both occasions however i threw him out, the first time cos i never saw him and thought he was just going out with mates, the second time i threw him out cos he was still seeing her behind my back??? Before he came back he was the one ringing saying how much he missed me and wanted to come home well at first he didnt the longer he stayed away he said the more he realised he loved me and wanted to be with me, i did see the texts he sent her and the first 4 wks he was open about her trying to get in touch with him but then i stopped asking as much, if i ask he still says he not seeing her or having any contact, he does seem very depressed ive asked him this and hes said yes, i just put it down to with drawing from her???
Hi tipper i thought exactly what you have said but wasnt sure if it was me not trusting enough (what a joke how does he expect me to that will take time) Ive not seen any proof that hes still seeing o/w and hes spending alot more time with me and most of the time hes all over me, he does look me in the eyes now where as before he would look anywhere but me, the first time he came back i put a tracker on the car thats how i knew, this time he swore blind that its done so didnt want to do that again (do you think i should) if i ask questions he will answer them, i just dont know what or how to go about any of this without seeming as though im not moving on ive even told him if hes still seeing her to go cos i wont share and hes adamant hes not. I do know hes got money issues but wont ask me to help as he amounted them when he was trying to impress her. Im just trying get on with my life but its so hard wondering all time is it worth it??? if hes pulling the wool over my eyes, thanks for replying any advice truly appreciated thanks again xxx
Last edited by miracles happen!; 03/09/1010:28 PM.
