I found that trying to be NC was the best way to help me detach. If I was in one room and she came into that room I would leave. Tried to make as many plans to go out and get away as possible. If you are not in the spouses presence then it is easier to detach.
Go back and re-reread the detach link.
I have to say this is the MOST important thing to learn from this crisis. Because even when they are not in replay you must stay detached and keep your expectations at zero.
I wish I could but I have a S5 and D7 and its impossible...I this is why its more difficult for those of us with children. Its impossible to have NC, I basically see him everytime he gets the kids and picks them up. He wants to be best friends, but then at times texts me as though I am the plague, guess depending on his mood. Once we move to Caifornia it will be easier but until then. I just want to detach, to let GO OF HIM totally and I STRUGGLE....everyday I STRUGGLE.... :o( Thanks OP
No one said it was easy, but detaching from harmful behavior/drama and toxic people is necessary for your well being.
You see what goes on but do not allow it to affect you..that is detaching. It is a learned behavior, not a natural one.
You want to help, but know you cannot, and so you learn to let go, and allow God to work within a given situation. As long as we allow the given situation to affect us, we have not detached from it.
We choose our reactions, and therefore we choose NOT to allow someone's behavior to affect us.
It is all part of letting go, R2. It's difficult, but it can be done. I think you're afraid that if you detach you will no longer love your husband, but that is NOT the case. It is possible to love from a detached point of view.
Separating the behavior from the person is very necessary, you love the person, but do not love the behavior..and refuse to allow yourself to get sucked into their drama. As long as you continue to get sucked up in the drama, you harm yourself emotionally.
I cannot give you any steps to begin to detach..this is something you must learn on your own; with His help.
I can define it, explain it..but detaching is personalized.
Face the fear you have within of detaching..you are afraid it will kill the love if you do this. You will find that fear is unfounded.
You will also find that because of love, you CAN detach from the situation, keeping it from hurting you, because you also have to have enough love for YOU to detach yourself. Your children need you clear headed, not stuck in confusion.
It was hard for me, too, but I was able to do it, and see, after I did it, that my love for my husband was not altered or killed..it still existed...I just loved him enough to let him go, and loved me enough to detach from his drama.
It is also part of the control lessons we must learn..the only person we can control is ourselves and not others. So, we MUST let go of them and stop fighting for "other control" which we don't have, anyway. We must recognize our powerlessness to "fix" a situation that is happening with someone we love, and detach from that situation; knowing we cannot do anything to help.
I would have been a horrible emotional mess had I not learned this and quickly enough to help myself.
Do not know if this will help you any further, but it is all I have in the way of knowledge.
Have a good evening.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Thanks HB... You always seem to know exactly what to say to help me see what I am not seeing...
Learning to not allow whats happening to affect me is my biggest struggle.. I will continue to work on this.
I fear you are correct, that if I allow myself to competely detach and give it all over to God that somehow, it is FINAL, its the finality of it all, its as though I too am saying it's over and am resigning to it, to him. When I am not. I see where I am confusing the two... By detaching, I am possibly loving him more, by letting him go, changing my behaviors because I am not trying to control anything anymore... and this too will be healthier for me while I continue to grow and change.
If it were just a natural behavior.... UGH. these learned ones are something else...when you have lived the way I have for so long ( unhealthy as it was, I am now learning) its still difficult.
Thank you for your words and caring. I appreciate it.
We have ALL been where you are, each person may define and/or utilize detaching differently, but the end result is the SAME. It is for your mental and emotional health that you must learn to do this.
Don't beat yourself up so much..it takes TIME to learn these necessary tools, also time to learn to use them; Rome wasn't built in a day, and you won't learn these things overnight. No one does.
But, once learned, the changed behavior will affect your relationships with others, and it is a more healthy way to live.
I found that once I learned these tools, and utilized them, I also learned who my true friends were. Surface and shallow-thinking people quickly drop off and walk away when they learn they can no longer manipulate you.
Your growth can be threatening to some people, because your attitude becomes one of "either take me as I am, or walk".
It is NOT arrogance, it is self confidence within that grows as a result of learning who you are; and learning "self-care".
God would have us to take care of ourselves, and be good stewards within ourselves. Even Jesus took care of Himself, speaking up against the Scribes and Pharisees. Also, when He threw the money changers out of His temple of worship.
There are times to turn the other cheek, and there are times to defend our territories. Choose your battles carefully, because not everything is worth fighting for; only what will affect you in the short and long term. Only you would know what would be a wise choice for you.
There have been times I have been instructed to fight back, other times, I've been instructed to back down and leave things alone for a time. Still, other times, it's been left up to me to do what I thought was right. He will advise you as a friend, but He will NOT "tell you what to do". That would fall under tampering with Free Will that is given to all men as a gift.
Detachment is but one of those self care tools He can equip us with, if we allow Him to guide us toward that. In time, our understanding is increased, and we will go on to learn things we were NOT taught growing up, mostly because our family life was so dysfunctional.
Everything I learned, was NOT taught to me as a child..I learned it as an adult. And it went against EVERYTHING I'd been taught, even down to my core beliefs; it rocked my very foundation.
When He was guiding me full-time all those years ago, I was taught a great deal. I learned through those times to trust Him more fully than I ever had in my life.
And I still ask Him for help, even now; when things are not clear, and look a little muddy.
He will help you, if you will ask Him for guidance and understanding; and stay open to Him.
He really does have our best interests at heart.
One thing at a time, one step at a time, learning as you go..you'll be fine.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I have been reading posts and feeling like we are sharing a lot of the same frustrations around NOT KNOWING HOW TO DETACH or NOT DETACHING( the right way).
I have read the resources on this, I have read books on it as well.othing is helping. It is SO DIFFICULT to detach.
Any advice, Tips...please.
Time is the critical component. The more and the longer that you work at it, the easier it will get.
I have this quote taped to my monitor at work, at home, and on my bathroom mirror:
Originally Posted By: "Melody Beattie"
A good rule of thumb is: You need to detach most when it seems the least likely or possible thing to do.
The Serenity Prayer is another good thing to meditate on:
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
