Section in the SSM that is freaking me out

[alamedamom]

He is just so, so cold. I am not sure how to respond to that with humor or positie reinforcement. I hold no past grudges...

[MarriedWolf]

I nearly posted this the other day, but here goes.

Could he possibly be depressed? I know I went through a fair amount of depression when the SSM was at its worst.

[alamedamom]

I believe he is. I have suffered from depression in the past, and I've told him that I see so many signs in him that I recognize and that I hate to see him suffering. Unfortunately, a lot of the help that was available to me (like therapy) isn't really available to him due to his own inclinations & personality type. I have encouraged him to get out more & do things he enjoys, including spend time with friends (though I worry about the advice they may give him). Hopefully it will help.

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

That's the balance I'm struggling with. He's sleeping with guest room, so I've asked if I could just lay with him there for a few minutes in the morning before we get up. he says yes but doesn't seem to like it. Any hugs or other affection also feel forced on him. I'm hoping our counselor can help us identify some baby steps that over time will start to rebuild that trust. And that I have that time.

Let me share my POV as a husband who has had a wife that has made the conscious choice to be non-sexual for the past 13 years.

I might be able to give you some insight as to what you might be dealing with.

First, the really bad news. Your time (and your chance to recover or reestablish a relationship that he would be satisfied with) may have already passed.

See, from his perspective, he probably thinks you've gotten what you wanted (i.e., as little sexual intimacy as you felt you could get way with) while denying him what he wanted. You cannot go back and tell him that you really wanted more sexual intimacy than you got, because there is no evidence that is true.

Anything else you say is likely to be perceived as justification for why you should (always) get what you want while leaving him out in the cold. Now you are feeling the "cold." Whether it's payback or not, if it feels cold to you, you might be getting some inkling of what it's been like for him.

You might consider that he has just given up on you and that he is angry with you about the life wasted he has lived with you. Whether you realize it or not, the question that he is asking is "why bother?"

Trying to deny him that anger just makes it worse. And part of the "why bother" also includes anything related to being sexually intimate with you now. This is the thing that surprised me in my own case, and so I understand why he might feel that way. There is no reason why he should be sexually intimate with you.

From his POV, he already has done "everything" and anything to get you to move from the way you've been being, all to no avail.

Although you provide little detail, reading between the lines, he is the HD spouse, and you are the LD spouse and you recognize you've turned him away. In the past (and it is your past that he will have trouble getting around), nothing he has done has made "any difference." So why would this be any different?

Again, why bother?

If you have ever made it appear (to him) or if you've ever said this to him: "that it was only about the sex," you've got a problem. Anything you do in the near term makes it look like that (for you) its only about the sex and you are using sex as a way to keep a husband that you otherwise don't care about.

You may feel that you do care about him. But that is not his reality.

From his POV, it has taken his declaration of independence that finally "woke you up." You want to know what is really painful about that (for him)?

It should not have taken that to get your attention.

I know that this might not be what you want to read. But he might not be able or ready to tell you this for himself.

The Captain

[Young at Heart]

I am hoping that your therapy session went OK last night for both you and your husband.

I think that his agreeing to therpay, his not having moved out, and that you have a small child at home are three things that you have going for you.

You are walking a delicate line of balance.

I would again urge you to really work hard on "getting a life" and becoming the sexiest, most facinating woman that your husband has ever met. You want to become a magnet for his interest and desire, without forcing yourself upon him. Have you thought of taking a class in belly dancing or pole dancing as a way of getting his attension and making him wonder who is this woman he is sharing a house with? Have you thought of hypnotherapy to help with weightloss or stress reduction? How about a massage therapy class where you will need someone to practice on (or take it with a girl friend)? There are a lot of interesting ways to get a life that could change attitudes on the part of your husband.

If you think that your husband is depressed you might want to see if you can't figure out how to get some exercise into him in a way that he wants. Walks are a great start.

While your child might be a little young to go on a walk; where I walk with my wife, I see couples with children in strollers and older children on small bikes with their parents walking nearby. You might tell your husband that you want to go for a walk with your child (in a stroller or something) and that for safety, you would appreciate his company some weekend day, if he isn't to busy. He might just do it, especially if you don't push relationship talk, but just keep it fresh air and exercise and focused on your child.

Good luck!

P.S. reading books and re-reading comments from HD SSM husbands (Like the Captain, SSMGuy, and others) on this website may help you understand how you deeply you hurt your husband, what he might be feeling/thinking and how you can learn to never go down that road again, should you be able to save your marriage.