H has been living with another woman since May of 2009. Their lease is up soon and he has implied to me recently that he wants to work things out. I'm naturally feeling hesitant about his reasons. Is it because I have his son and he misses him, is it because coming back to me is easier than being on his own? Why does he want to work things out now?
He has set a date at the end of this month to talk, and I am hesitant to since he'll still have two months left of living with OW before anything can happen. He won't move out any earlier because he claims he is committed to staying there until the lease is up.
I know that H will suggest a three bedroom apartment together while we work on the marriage and work towards sharing a room again. I want to live separately and go through the whole dating thing again until I know for sure that it's going to work, I do not want DS to be hurt any more than he already has been.
So for those with experience, how does piecing work? Is it living apart and dating, living together but at the same time apart, or go back in with both feet to sharing a room, acting all couple-y? I've never done this before so I defer to all your experiences and wisdom.
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Personally I don't even think you are at the piecing stage. That's probably not what you want to hear but you don't seem willing to throw yourself into this completely at the moment. You seem, ( both of you probabaly), to have too many unanswered questions.
From looking at people on this section of the boards, I would say this is one of the hardest parts, and for it to work you need to be further along, and more committed, than your post suggests you are.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I don't think we're at the piecing point right now, either. But I know that in a few months H will want to reconcile, so I need to sort out now how to handle that when the time comes.
ETA: I know that I'm hesitant because OW is still in the picture and will be for at least another almost 3 months. Once she's gone and H can prove to me he's serious, I may be more committed at that time. Who knows, though. It is almost three months out.
Last edited by Mystik; 03/07/1003:09 PM.
New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112303
H wants to stay with OW, but wants to be with you to work it out only after his lease with the OW runs out. Because he is committed to that? Do you know how F'd up that is? Have you read what you have written?
I honestly wouldn't waste my time or effort even thinking about how to possibly reconcile/piece while he continues to live with OW for a few months and doesn't see the problem with that. If that is what he is suggesting, it is incredibly disrespectful to you. That's not piecing. That's him wondering if he's going to stay with OW (or if she wants to stay with him) when the lease is up so he wants to keep you on the back burner by throwing you some hope.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
I know, this whole situation is F'd up. And yes, I agree that it's disrespectful of him to expect me to talk reconciling while he continues to live with OW. That's why I'm planning on telling him at the end of the month when he wants to talk that until he has moved out of his apartment with OW I don't see the point of talking. If it's a week or so before he moves out, maybe then. But two months in advance? Nope, not interested.
I have to just let go of this situation and trust that if it's meant for H and I to work things out, God will make it happen no matter what I say or do.
New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112303
How bout this, before your planned talk, contact him and tell him, he is s.o.l.. Besides I have a date the night of our talk. You would see movement then.
I might even suggest giving him an assignment in finding a FT for the two of you- ask for a list of 5 or 6, see how much work he does...I agree w/ the others, it seems like he's keeping his options open at this point.
I would, DBurt, but unlike him I am not into playing head games.
Maynard, is FT a family therapist? That's an idea, because I do believe that a therapist would really help us learn to communicate better. H is anti-therapy, but he can show he's committed by being open to the idea of counseling.
New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112303
I know that H will suggest a three bedroom apartment together while we work on the marriage and work towards sharing a room again. I want to live separately and go through the whole dating thing again until I know for sure that it's going to work, I do not want DS to be hurt any more than he already has been.
So for those with experience, how does piecing work? Is it living apart and dating, living together but at the same time apart, or go back in with both feet to sharing a room, acting all couple-y?
H couldn't wait for his deadline, we've talked a bit about working things out. He does want to go with the 3 bedroom, but understands my hesitations and desire for two separate places. So while we are not working on things yet, the time for that is coming. H has clearly stated he would not be comfortable living together and sharing a room at first so I am scratching that idea. I am, however, planning on telling him that I strongly want to do marriage counseling, with a person neither of us already knows so the counselor will be completely impartial.
So, in your, the reader's, experience, which would be the best route for when the time comes to piece: 3 BR or two separate places?
New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112303
