WAW still around, DBing starting to work

[gutwrenching]

My old thread was getting too large and they asked me to start a new one. So this is Mr Gutwrenching starting a new thread for those that have been helping me so much.

Short version is a typical WAW scenario that also included an EA.
Nov 09, W drops the bomb and I do the typical begging/pleading things that make it worse before learning of DB and these boards.
23 Dec 09 - I expose the EA
Lots of ups and downs since then. W claims to have quit all contact with OM, but I have had my doubts. At this point, I am not sure.
Here is the link to the original thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1951234&page=1

[gutwrenching]

Update.
I got sent on a very short notice trip traveling all over the pacific as part of my job. I didn't want to go, but couldn't get out of it. Things have been getting better I thought, the fog in WAW is lifting and we are getting along better. Certainly in the friendship stage.

Along with this trip, the potential of a job move to Hawaii resurfaced after we thought it was dead. This new job is creating crisis for WAW. Led to some significant R and future talks the other night with the W telling me if we move to Hawaii she is going to get her own place to live, she isn't going to put under that kind of pressure on a small island if things continue to not work out...she wants to start on her own. W upset that I seemed to have changed my mind on wanting the job in Hawaii without discussing with her because her career is at stake also. I did a lot of validating but continue to drive home the point that SHE is questioning the marriage and I am now looking at things differently. I validate her views and concur that I should consult with her because her career is involved, and will let her know if I firmly change my perspective.

Next day, I leave for this trip and I see the first major results of the crisis...as I get dropped off at the airport, I get crying from wife, two real hugs with the most compassion since the bomb was dropped. She is crying at me leaving. Some significant bricks from the wall came down...I suspect some will get rebuilt as she gets more used to me not being around the next 10 days, but this was a positive sign.

I Skype home today and talk to W and girls for an hour. It was all good. W and I even talked with the video camera alone for probably 10 minutes which is about 9 minutes more that I would have expected. Still very friendly and calm. No R talk or future talk or even I miss you...but I could tell the wall had not been completely rebuilt.

Also during all of this, W switches our plan on the iphone account so that I have e-mail and text access while traveling. Another good sign.

Last thing worth nothing is the W has vocally acknowledged changes in me. She has done so in negative terms, but she sees the difference. She told me that she wished she had not told me about her plans to leave so long ago because I have "changed 320 degrees" since then. At one point there was also talk of we might both find someone else in the future and be happier, I mention that isn't necessarily that simple as more 2nd marriages end in D than do first, and she says to me that I will be ok because I have learned/changed quite a bit in the last few moths. These comments were made in the talks about our R and future I mentioned above.

Still a long ways from piecing, but the crisis is forcing some of the issues to really be considered by the W.

[Lotus]

Perhaps absence will make the heart grow fonder. Change is good. After all, without change, everything stays the same. If you don't like the status quo, change might bring good.

[gutwrenching]

I was very anxious about this trip...in my mind, didn't know which way it would take things, but Lotus you might be right. There is big change ahead for the next few weeks, so only time will tell. I will be gone for 10 days, home for 2, then W visits here dad for about a week.

I am not pursuing but we are still communicating...all goodness at the moment.

Thanks for stopping by again

[kara]

GW

I am happy to read your update. Embrace the goodness and seek ways to create more of it or let it evolve!!

[gutwrenching]

Well, its time for an update. I owe so many so much that it is time to report PROGRESS. I have been away for a while because of my travels and just needing a break. My world has been going at 100 miles an hour, but I owe two very special DBers a debt of gratitude for keeping me afloat on the alt during trying times when internet connections were hard to come by

As with all roller coasters, the full story is long, but I've been riding an uphill ride on the coaster for almost two weeks now and it feels good.

The short notice trip was physically tiring but in terms of our R, it ended up being a good thing. Also during the trip, the job crisis hit new levels, so two major events at one time.

During the trip, communication between W and I increased immensely. We talked and e-mailed and Skype'd more than I can remember in so long. W made sure to switch our iphone plan to international, which was key to keeping the communication rolling.

The last time we were apart, conversations lasted no more than 2 minutes before W was hanging up. This time around, 50 minute plus conversations became the norm. Multiple e-mails every day to fill in the spaces when we weren't able to talk. All positive vibes, no R talks, no future talks, but good old fashioned just sharing what was going on in our lives and the kids.

We hit another key obstacle during the trip...I did NOT get the job in Hawaii. It becomes official, and W verbalizes GUILT for it not happening. A week after telling me she will not live with me if we go to Hawaii, and even hints she might not move there, she is now upset that we aren't going there and tells me it is all her fault and she is upset that she blew our chance to live in Hawaii! Difficult to explain why she thinks it is her fault, but really it kind of is. I didn't tell her it wasn't, because her actions had a lot to do with it not happening and for the first time she was dealing with the consequences of her actions and I had finally learned not to try to fix it...let her deal with it.
DB was at the core of it with outstanding support and advice from some vets.

Get home from 10 day trip and although a bit worried, things continue on uphill swing. Fog seems to be almost completely gone, wall not as high or strong, body language all positive, communication continues, and I slightly increase the physical interaction. Initiate a couple of hugs here and there and do not meet resistance.

Next major hurdle is her trip to see her dad. She left last night. Again, nothing but positive signs (actions not words) leading up to this and thru the packing that night. W is running late getting to the airport, but I help her get things together and out of the house. I decide late or not, I am not going to let her go without a goodbye hug (especially after what happened when I left). She comes up to me and seems to be coming in for a hug, when I get the shock of the year, she comes right in and gives me a small KISS (on the lips)...she initiated! First affection/physical interaction she has initiated since the small crisis of the suicide for those that remember that from my original thread...that was in the first week of Jan. The kiss was followed by a long, tight hug. Then GW sneaks in a second small kiss as we end the embrace.

GW is on cloud 9 and hasn't come off that cloud yet. Today was more positive. Multiple texts from her, an e-mail, and multiple phone calls. She was the one calling every time, not me. She was the first one to start texting every time, not me.

We are talking more now, both when at home and when one of us is gone, than we were for months before the bomb was dropped. I certainly won't call this piecing. No verbalization from her that she wants to try or is trying, but actions speak louder than words, and actions tell me she is at least testing the waters. She is initiating communication, she is friendly, upbeat, happy, pleasant. Just both of us being happy helps things immensely. No coldness, and NO ANGER. For those that remember all of the outbursts from previous thread, I haven't seen any anger in probably a month. She still hits her bad moods, but she is dealing with them and obviously trying hard not to take it out on me.

Her trip is probably another crucial time. She will have lots of time to think about things. The last two and half days, she is on her own without family, just vacationing at the beach.

And I did a GAL today...first day she was gone. Invited a male friend over for pizza, beer, and basketball games. When you live in a house with no other males, that is a nice change!

[Lotus]

i'm happy to hear of the improvements, GW. Thanks for updating us. There was a hint in the alt yesterday, but I thought there might be two GW's so I was waiting to see a post from you! It does sound like she is coming out of the fog and realizing that her life is her life so she should make the best of it. I hope things continue to improve after her trip.

[gucci loafer]

Her trip is probably another crucial time. She will have lots of time to think about things. The last two and half days, she is on her own without family, just vacationing at the beach.

You do know that this is a HUGE red flag of a rendevous with the OM don't you? You do know this is textbook action of a WAW?
They say they are going to visit friends or family. Of course this is always alone. (yea right)

You do know that 2-1/2 days at the beach alone is textbook of what affair partners tell their spouses don't you?

You do know that JUST before they leave to see "their family and alone days on the beach" that they are nice to you don't you? (guilt because they know what they are doing behind your back)


Please don't be naive here. This has every indication of a meeting with the OM. I would bet that he "just happens" to have a trip planned for an alone day or two on the beach, that he has told his wife about. Or some other cockamamie story. They went underground with their relationship because they KNOW that you are looking everywhere for clues. Don't for one second think that they aren't trying to stay one step ahead of you. Might not be a bad time to contact his wife. Trust but VERIFY.

[flowmom]

GW, I don't know anything about anything, but I was suspicious about the hanging on the beach thing too...even before reading Gucci's post.

OTOH, there is reason for optimism...I hope that your sitch keeps moving in the right direction.

[Lost Rabbit]

Keep doing what works mate!