SH Treat him as you would a friend. Be happy and upbeat and make home a comfortable place for H to feel.
Your boundaries are good. My H moved back for financial reasons as well. Something we did was schedule a meeting for one hour on Sun. morning to discuss any issues that we were facing at the time. My H actually agreed to this.
Can you include H in some way in your activities. He wants your attention.
kml - H doesn't even seem to like being in the same room (maybe even the same planet!) w me right now, and would likely perceive me as crowding him if I hovered around...but I'll definitely keep A & C in mind. C will also give him the space he needs to have time alone in the house and really 'feel' the place again. Not only will H's MLC be a long process...so will working on it, so he (we both!) will need to get comfortable with this new roommate scenario.
One of my 180s (in addition to having lost 40 pounds on the MLC diet!) has been to wear makeup, something I only did about once or twice a year previously but am now doing every day. Actually, last Sat, when he stopped to walk around and think about what needs to be done, I went to take a shower & 'get ready' to go out - I walked downstairs looking & feeling delicious (he didn't say anything, but I'm sure that he noticed!) and hopped in the car to go. In one of our earlier meetings post-WAH he actually said 'you're glowing!' - and I am! [After all of the weight loss and an abundance of facials, meditation, dance, exercise & yoga!] One of my family members recently commented that I look ten years younger.
Celestial - I will take heed of your advice: FRIEND (HB said 'girlfriend'...but we're definitely not anywhere near there yet!). The idea of weekly meetings may not fly ta this point though, since he seems to perceive me as authoritative 'mommy-abuser' right now. I'll just have to take it as it comes and strive to remain calm, quiet, friendly, lovingly detached, and attentive when called upon to be so.
This (the H-alien's return to the house to stay in the guest room) is going to be very hard, since the past two months (even amid the pain!) have been a time of peace, without the uncommunicative dark energy of MLC-H around. And the NC for last 3 weeks of March seemed to help me to put everything into perspective (though still struggling with acceptance!).
The GAL thing is a difficulty when one of the main issues of WAH was about my GAL-ing taking focus off of H & the M in the first place! I had actually let go of some of these activities prior to the bomb as I saw H slipping in and out of the tunnel for months prior and wanted to actively confirm that our M IS the most important thing! So, for the most part, I have pared down on volunteer-service activities (and took a Leave of Absence from grad school). But I still crave human contact, so added a couple of activities along the lines of healing, self-growth & spirituality (taking care of me instead of others).
He quickly popped in & out to drop-off a box last night (acting as though he was in a big rush, which has become the MO lately) & said that he plans to move everything else back (into the guest room that is) on Sunday. I'll be at a meditation event and then meeting up with a former colleague from 9:30 until about 3, so he'll have plenty of space. H is working a lot (7 days, tons of overtime - in order to afford the MLC apartment & joint house expenses), so he won't be here much for a while (he has to pay to months additional rent in order to break the lease!). When here, I suspect that he'll spend a lot of time in the room with the door closed - uncommunicative. We'll see how it goes... I guess it won't be much different than when I was here alone anyway, except I won't be able to talk candidly on the phone when H is here. All the more reason to continue to pursue healing GAL stuff and to concentrate on betterment and growth, detachment and forgiveness...
SH, Actually you may want to start out by looking at him as a roommate/friend and go from there. If you can keep in your mind that he's a roommate, it might help you when dealing w/his comings and goings and being around you. Both of you have to learn to be comfortable again around each other and it takes time. If he senses that you are doing your own thing and not hovering, he may slowly let his guard down and begin to enjoy being home and w/you and your family once again. Right now, he's still jumping out of his skin and bouncing all over the place and it's going to take some time for him to settle down and come to realize that you aren't hovering or keeping tabs on his every move.
It's going to be difficult at first, but you sound like you've got a good handle on things, and I think you'll do just fine. Just remember, you started out as friends and from there a couple, etc.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Please be sure to keep your expectations at zero. Also, if he's acting out, ignore the behavior. Just be yourself, do what you need to do make yourself happy and continue as you have been doing.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
At this point, I am more than acting 'as if'... I truly believe that H is convinced that ending the M is what he must do in order to 'move forward' and become whole...I just don't agree (but I'm keeping this to myself now!)
Last night he asked to come over to talk. I was going to visit a friend, said ok but I had to leave soon. So, here it goes...
He said that he now has no interest in coming back to the house to stay while getting it ready (?!). It would be a step back from the path he's chosen...weird, since he just dropped stuff off on Fri & was civil! This, from the person who pushed ME to allow the return just last week! What?!
I know that they are apt to RUN back into the tunnel after peeking outl..but he seems to have headed all the way back to anger now (eyes, body language, selfishness, utter lack of compassion, all were rage!), following the days of post NC civility and even reaching out to neighbors....
He also started to dictate what HE thinks are his only financial obligations, and even talked about foreclosure as a viable option (YIKES!)... Wait what?! I will adhere to the 24/48 hour rule & planned to see an L on Tues to 'run the numbers' on an SA, since he seems to have confused obligations & rights at this point!
I am now completely messed up, after working all week to detach & be cool with his return for the readying & sale of the house...
...I hope to get some advice on how to handle this sitch, since H now seems to be determined to ruin us both financially and seems to have switched overnight from civil, practical and semi-rational to having no compassion for my under-employed status...
w me right now, and would likely perceive me as crowding him if I hovered around...but I'll definitely keep A & C in mind. C will also give him the space he needs to have time alone in the house and really 'feel' the place again. Not only will H's MLC be a long process...so will working on it, so he (we both!) will need to get comfortable with this new roommate scenario.
