Stuck because I don't know for sure

[sleeplessinspoke]

Please help if you can...I am updating a post that I had on the Newcomers board back last fall (Knowing the Unknowable) Iam still stuck in the same spot though I hope I am about to get some hope in the form of couples counseling my wife has agreed to at long last......

I have been drawn here first by feeling I am in a SSM. Suddenly, last fall, I got jolted into the idea that perhaps my LD wife was having an affair. All at once, much of her behavior, not trying not offering excuse playing on my patience and fear of confrontation in letting her off the hook so to speak about not reading books, not going to therapy, not trying anything made sense. I became obsessed with watching her every move but to this day have not uncovered anything on my own, with calling in Magnum, PI it is a mystery to me on how to find. She would have to have been so careful to hide it this well.

Most of the stories I find here have cheaters getting caught pretty easily...It seems that I may have constructed the theory and made every observation fit into an elaborate script that doesn't seem likely but would make great TV. I don't want to be a wimp and I really have been mostly because I don't know for sure. It's a huge difference for me if she is actually doing this thing and lying to me everyday biding her time until they can be together OR she's a LD private, non-communicative, person who doesn't know how to fix our problem and is just riding the status quo wave since it works much better for her.

The being NICE talk has grabbed my attention. I am guilty of this approach time and time again. Many describe it as poison in these situations and if she is cheating i totally agree. But what if she is not, and I am just trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense to me? She finally has agreed to go to conseling and we've started. I've been inclined to back off my weak ass investigation to see if this is a sincere effort and there will be some change to start us reconnecting.....

I would love any advice from some of you heavy hitters aka result getters out there on how I should proceed and actual techniques for finding out for sure. What Jonpen has done, going in with the SWAT team to crush expose the affair, is something I have dreamed of being able to do if the worst is in fact true....my GAL project continues regardless but life is still so enmeshed in the raising of our kids and her being my best friend. You can, if you know how to (I haven't learned to navigate very well), see what I posted on Newcomers board back in Oct '09 (reference 'Sugarland, Need to know the unknowable') for more background and for insight as to just how far I have to go in the manning-up department. Please help if you have time and I apologize for asking for more than I can give hear interms of help and advice...

[jasper67]

Im not going to say you may be wrong- but like you said, you may have taken actions or discoveries and made them fit into a more elaborate plan...we will need to know more.

My initial advice is that if you are SSM, I would definatly schedule you and W for some MC- your description of LD, quiet, non-communicative,etc- very much sounds like my W.

Then 6 months ago I get the bomb.

Weeks before the bomb, she explained I need to be more romantic- being a guy I didn't know what that meant I thought of nice dinners, etc.

Turns out she wanted more intimacy (not necessarily sex), etc, etc.

It seems your sitch may be one of the better ones, again, assuming there is no A.

Do not accuse w/o evidence. Will need to learn more though to give more input

[sleeplessinspoke]

Thank you for giving me your take. I agree with you I could be one of the lucky ones and it is why I continue to proceed on egg shells as I don't want to be the one to screw this up because of my HAVE TO MAKE SENSE OF THE WORLD nature.

Thing is I read so much advice here about being too wimpy and being too nice and not letting her get away with things, enabling her, et al.....If she is somehow involved with OM here I am guilty of it all. You need to think James Bond here regarding my wife. She is known for her private sometimes stoic persona even outside of our relationship. If she were to get into an EA it could progress and she could carry it on covertly and her poker face would never twitch--that is my fear.

I am the romantic one in this sitch--from sappy cards to little acts of kindness to extra dishes and setting up nights out with kids out of the house. Elaborate Valentine's days and anniversaries come and go very one sided, thoughtful gifts..... I know it sounds as though I am tooting my own horn here, I have plenty of issues. My point is that I think that the usual complaints from the LD spouse in a SSM ie "I must feel emotionally close and have loose ends around the house taking care of before I can feel sexy" I've got more than covered.

I am getting better about doing these things, actually enjoying these things I do for her and the household, without any strings attached: At least closer to true giving than I've been in the past. Then I get a hint of the other possibility and I am completely back to CSI mode on her. My wife has dropped no bombs or given me any hints as to what would help bring us closer. It's just like part of her is no longer there often..

[sleeplessinspoke]

Thanks again maynard2121......here's a link (I hope I don't know how to do it) to my first thread back in August of last year:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...858#Post1844858

[WhatNow]

Not to trash your hope: I felt like you (crazy for thinking such a thing)till I found evidence.

ok magnum, what have you done to snoop?

[jasper67]

Ill catch up on your previous thread. Most of the sites I've visited about a SP cheating lists some decent signs, one big one is your own intuition. After all you know her better than anyone.

I thought my W would never do omething like that...once all was out on the table and she said she "didn't want to work it out," I knew something was wrong.

Our first MC session the Dr. asked about an A, W and I looked at eachother and said no, there wasn't one...3 weeks later I discovered the truth- somewhat by her own admission.

Then spy mode was on and had been on till she left the house.

They do slip, but even worse is they don't or may get to the point where they don't care.

Just bide your time and build your case- ALWAYS post here before doing anything- if there is something, do not react- your knee jerk reactions will be emotion/fear based and will be WRONG...

[rr22]

There may be no A. She may be doing the WAS thing known as "pretending to work on it" to make her conscience feel better when she has actually set a date and plan for leaving in her mind but she's "emotionally checked out" of M already. NOt saying I know anything about your sitch. But what I've read on these boards, sometimes these actions look like the same.

[rr22]

Sometimes they even agree to MC specifically so they can later say they "tried everything" and they go into it with closed and already made up minds. So it's hard to say.

[sleeplessinspoke]

Thanks, all. The WAS thing is certainly one of my theories as well: Wife seems to deal with me and interact with me up to a point. Sometimes I feel manage rather than loved these days particularly when it comes to intamacy. I call it the auto-pilot wife. She does not ask about my day, she does not say I love you....rather use the phone sign off that is an inside joke about how our little kids talk on the phone...."LUVUBYE".....she often doesn't look at me when we kiss, eyes open and looking away. She often looks pensive as if she is a million miles away and sometimes comes home somewhat revved up but flighty if that makes sense. One thing I've noticed is that it is always off to the bathroom sometimes a few times when she get's home from work...she does have a long drive home in traffic though.

Now I have only noticed these things since I started looking. None of these are drastic differences from the woman I married and that's what really freezes me.

[sleeplessinspoke]

I am sorry to hear about the fact that she wouldn't work on it. We were asked the same question in therapy in week one. Is there an affair? I agreed that one of the reasons we were there is the SSM had gotten so bad that I suspected and she calmly re-stated that's ridiculous....

I'll cover snooping in a later post. It's not much, as I feel so much of it goes on from work or during work hours. I feel as long as I have no proof, I should give her the benefit of the doubt, I just don't know if I'll feel better or worse knowing I had an incling and I didn't act stronger if I get the bomb that almost always follows in these stories.....assuming I am in one