I really would like help, please. Newmama has been great but I would like some other points of view too!!!
I have concerns that the 180 might be backfiring.
My whole long story can be found here:
The short is that my husband has told me several times before (after fights, etc) that he doesn’t want to be married, is done with “trying”, just doesn’t feel it anymore, loves me but isn’t in love with me.
Two weeks ago I caught him smoking in our basement and got very upset (that he was smoking in our house) and we had a fight/talk and he said the same thing again. He asked if we should separate and I said “I couldn’t handle it, etc”. This was before I found this site an DB. Anyway, the very next day I started this site and DB but I feel like it might be backfiring.
Since the fight I have tried to do a 180 completely:
-Husband complained that I nagged and was controlling. I have stopped asking him where he is going, stopped asking him what he is doing, stopped asking him to help around the house, I have basically I have not asked him to do anything. There are piles of trash in our backyard that have been sitting there for a month that he hasn’t taken out but I have not said anything. He has let the dog mess on the floor and not cleaned it up but I still have not said anything. I normally would ask him to get up (he works at night and I liked to eat lunch with him because its one of the few times I see him) – I stopped doing that and now he just sleeps until 3 or 4pm.
-Husband complained that I was “always” yelling at him. I have not yelled or raised my voice or gotten upset not even one time in the past two weeks (go me!). Even though I am having a difficult time and I feel like I’ve been run over by a train I am not showing it at all. I have not engaged him in any conversation and only speak to him when he engages me first. I am always smiling and when he does talk to me I am trying to act interested and be friendly. I am only saying “I love you” when he says it first. I am only giving affection when he offers it first (i.e. when he leans in to hug me, when he leans in to kiss me). I am not calling, emailing or texting him – if he initiates that first I respond.
-Husband complained that I needed to get out more. I actually am a “home body” – I just always have been. My husband works at night Wed-Sat and the only days I see him are Sunday, Monday night and Tuesday night. I would always try to be available during those days he was home because there is very little time for interaction due to his job. However, in the past two weeks instead of waiting for him to wake up on Saturday (until 1 or 2) – I have been going to the movies or running errands that I want to do instead of waiting for him. I have been doing things on the days he is not home also but he doesn’t really know about it because he is not there so sometimes it seems fruitless and I would rather be relaxing with a hot bath then trying to GAL.
-Husband complained he was not attracted to me, I was overweight, he couldn’t make himself be attracted to me. About 8 months ago, we got into a fight and all of this came out that he doesn’t think I’m attractive anymore (Ive gained about 80 pounds over the past 3 years). I asked him, “Well, I’m working on it but isn’t there something you find attractive about me – my smile, my eyes, etc. He said “no”. IT was the probably the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me. Anyway, in the past two weeks I have been working out 5 days a week and doing weight watchers. I have PCOS and it has been EXTREMELY difficult to lose weight. I’m trying SO hard but I have only lost about .5 lbs. Its really discouraging because I know my weight bothers him. He does not initiate sex with me. I have tried many, many times and I’m almost always shot down and if it does happen it lasts about 2 minutes with only him receiving any pleasure. I don’t really know where I can do a 180 here because he is bothered by us not having sex but he doesn’t want to have sex with me. I’m trying to improve my body/the way I look but as I said its not exactly going very well (.5 lbs in two weeks is barely a scratch in what I have to loose).
Anyway, he is still in the house but for the past three nights when he gets home he has been going to the guest room. I just feel like maybe I’ve pulled too far away or done too much of a 180. I have made a very valid point to not be “cold” even though I was distancing myself. I guess I’m still just confused and looking for more guidance, tips, advice. It’s almost like I feel like I can’t talk to him without him talking to me – is that right? I haven’t said anything about him going into the other room because I thought that was one of the rules of 180 not to peruse but I was still upset. I got myself up this morning and came into work (I usually work from home 4 days a week) and just left a note says “into work today” and then I made plans to go out tonight (not that he will notice because he is going to be working anyway).
Am I doing this right? I felt like these things were supposed to bring us closer together but I feel like its almost like he is getting what he wants and taking my backing off as validation that his behavior is okay and that Im just not going to complain about it anymore.
Be patient. This takes time. Think marathon, not sprint.
As for the PCOS, have you ever considered acupuncture? I was a total skeptic when I started to go, but I feel so good afterward and I no longer have *any* PMS. I know it's good for PCOS and endo especially. If you decide to give it a try, find someone who is a LaC instead of an MD who has limited training. An LaC will also be able to give you herbs that help it all. Like I said, I was a skeptic (and told my H he was seeing a witch doctor back when he tried it), and I'm a total believer now.
GAL is for *you*, not for showing off to your H. I'm more of a homebody too, but GAL helped me a lot. I found Meetup groups to join, and it was fun to go out and socialize with people. It helped me get over my social anxiety and let me feel less isolated when my H was in his alien mode.
I know my H was initially ticked off when I started my 180s. First, he was irritated that I was finally doing what he asked (of course, he'd never asked, just been passive aggressive before) and I was now taking away his excuse to walk away. I put it in my head that if he decided to leave, he was going to have to leave NOT because I hadn't responded, but for his own unwillingness to work on the M (and pursue the woman he was crushing on).
Ultimately though, I did it for me, to make me a better person who was a whole lot happier. That summer changed my life!
Hang in there.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I've been keeping up with my 180 and I'm feeling better and better about myself everyday.
Still feel like my husband is using it as an excuse to walk all over me - he is lazier than ever, communicating less than ever, etc.
I just feel like he is getting what he wants - me to go away. He would often say "I just dont want to be an adult". He just acts like a 30 year old teenager. And now since I dont ask him where it is going, what he is doing and I'm "upbeat" I kind of feel like he thinks its all okay to be doing those things.
It's just so sad - he has become someone I don't know. He doesnt't treat me with the respect I deserve. I caught him smoking weed in our house last night, hiding beers outside - I didn't say anything becaues I normally would have screamed at him. Woke up and saw he had been looking at porn on my computer which I have asked him repeadly not to do (he has his own computer but it has a porn blocker on it).
I know that the 180s in a lot of ways are for me - and I get that - I know that I am being the best me I can be and that if he leaves I will have taken away all his escuses and that feels good but it just feels like I'm a doormat now more than ever.
I have been 'going dark' for about 4 weeks now, and it DOES get better. I, too, thought this is EXACTLY what my H wanted.
What I didn't realize was, little by little, the more time I spend on GALing the more I realize 'I am a pretty darn good person' and it is my H's CHOICE to be who he is. I cannot make him into someone he doesn't want to be; I can only try to better myself! And in the long term, if he chooses to change, that is even better!!
Keep up the good work!
Hopefully you'll get someone with more experience to help guide you.....gg
M55 H55 my D31 H D30 1st met her when she was 25 M 22yrs...2nd for me, 1st for H OW 2005 mother of H daughter, came back to introduce D 1bomb 6/05 2bomb 7/08 3bomb 2/10 moved up north
Anne, Do you have another post on here? Give us the link so we can catch up!
GOOD JOB with the 180!!!! You need to give it more time!! I think PATIENCE should be your main goal. Things seem to get worse before they get better... keep at it. There are NO quick fixes here. It took you two a LONG time to get where you are - its going to take a long time to get back....
About calling him.. do you normally call to ask how his day has been? Is calling a 180 for you?
Give us some more background - We will help where we can!!
T
Last edited by talia; 03/10/1006:06 PM.
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
My husband complained that I was controlling and wanted to spend too much time with him, and that I yell at him "all the time", that is isn't attracted to me (he wont have sex with me).
I normally would call him a lot. He had an affair and I thought we were getting past that and then I discovered he had been contacting prostitutes/seeing prostitutes for the past four years (I found out about a month ago). So anyway, I was paranooid about where he was, who he was with, where he was going. So I have backed off about asking him where he is going, who he is with.
It is just very hard because I'm so worried he is going to cheat on me again. I thougth I knew him. But I haven't yelled or reiase my voice once in the past three weeks, I haven't asked for him to spend anytime with me, I have been doing things on my own. the whole thing is more difficult also because I rarely see him - he works Wed-Sat at night and I work during the day. The only time we even have a chance to connect is sunday, Monday nigth and Tuesday night. He never makes me a priority - there are always "better" thigns to do.
I should have also mentioned we are going on vacation starting on Sun-Friday. What am I supposed to do then?
Also, I have had minor slip ups in the past three weeks - I have showed affection a few times and hugged him when he didn't ask. When I do those things I feel like I failed and everything else I worked har for didnt matter.
Anne, I'm going to catch up on your other thread tonight - maybe I can be more helpful then.
Don't beat yourself up - hugs are NOT minor slip ups - an all out screaming match is a slip up. Just keep working at it day by day.... you are doing GREAT!!!
KEEP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!! It seems like the right track for now. Clear 180's for you. Remember - it takes time and you are still pretty new at this particular 180 (two weeks if I read right?)
I would continue the 180 on your vacation - do whatever you want to do without him... don't invite him!! YOU be on vacation - don't worry about HIM.... Plan your time and if he asks to join you - great! - if not - great!...
As for the attractiveness/weight issue.... ONLY YOU can change that and it starts as much with how you feel about yourself and how you look. DO YOU feel you are attractive? Self confidence does more for men than your waist size. Losing weight/getting healthy takes time so you just have to work your plan there. I think someone recommended acupuncture - I'm a huge advocate of acupuncture!!! See a holistician and start getting your body right - the best thing you can do is get your body right. Two years of health problems dealing with Reg Dr's and now I only see the holistician. MHO - go organic - dump the junk food - dump the chemicals in processed foods and show your body how much you love it by what you put in it. You might be surprised what "alternate" therapies can do for conditions a reg Dr can't seem to figure out. These are changes you can make RIGHT NOW - before the weight comes off - to feel better about your body and properly caring for it. Outside we are a direct reflection of what we have put Inside - that's something you have total control over....
Along those lines - you mentioned he went to prostitutes - you make sure you get yourself tested for STD's. You should assume the worst until you know otherwise as far as the cheating goes. He's proven that he can't be trusted - you don't need to snoop to find out anymore - just don't give the trust back until he earns it. In the meantime - be careful!!
You and I are in similar sitches - check out mine for some of the good advice I've gotten.
I'll post more when I'm caught up. Just remember... just because he doesn't necessarily SEE what you are doing doesn't mean he doesn't NOTICE something is different. I wouldn't be surprised if his visits to the guest room aren't some indication of that. Stay the course... this is a long road...
More later...
T
Last edited by talia; 03/10/1008:01 PM.
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
As far as the weight goes - I have been working on it for quite a while. I have PCOS and it has caused great weight gain (used to be 120 now 200) and I can't get it off. I'm doing weight watchers and working out but still only about 1 pound a month which is discouraging. Yes, I try to be sexy and love myself but it get difficult when you husband constantly turns you down, tells your therapist you are disgusting, he can't get erections, and when you ask him "isn't there SOMETHING besides the way I look that you like about me" and his answer is "no"... that really hurts. I also am a complusive overeater and had anorexia/bulimia so this whole thing is a really big thing for me - my life really revolves in a lot of ways around image/body image/weight.
As far as the pprostitues are concerned he only went to them for blow jobs - he says - 5 times. Although he communicated with them frequently through emails over 4 years (craigslist, ec) - he therapist thinks he gets a "high" from dangerous/aderaline inducing acivities. Anyway, I have been tested several times. We aren't having sex anyway so it doesn't really matter too much anyhow.
