I am convinced I need to move on and get a life while time settles in and begins to do its thing.
I now I need to get out and do stuff - for myself.
I have been working with my son every day - for myself.
I have been getting back into my job - for myself.
But how do I handle the family outing situations?
Going out to dinner, eating dinner at home, grocery shopping, family trips (weekend or otherwise).
If I am to make myself less available and "extricate" myself from my wife's life, how do I do so and still do the family stuff that we have always done?
As you remember, my wife and I are in separate bedrooms and operating as friends in our house in Florida. She has a boyfriend who is married and in a similar situation. He is as much a WAH as she is a WAW. They are making plans to get together soon.
She is very comfortable with the arrangement now as she feels as if she is following through with her commitment to the family and herself at the same time - obviously, because I am no longer in the picture love wise.
I don't want to sell the house, split the belongings and each move to a separate home - but I cannot think of any better way to allow her to relish in her freedom and better understand the concept - "you cannot be true to family and follow your selfish desires at the same time".
I know, that doesn't sound like a person who is letting go, but I am there as my wife no longer loves me, she no longer wants to love me, and at this time, no longer wants to work on the relationship.
So how do I do that - make myself less available and still take care of my family responsibilities?
Mike...I told my W that if she wanted to act like a single woman; then she needed to move out of the marital home. That simple.
So she did.
I know that's not what you're looking for; but you're not establishing any boundaries here dude. How are you going to feel when you know that she's going away to spend weekends with her BF leaving you behind with your S? How do you feel about sharing her with another man? Might as well let them do it right in your own house and make them dinner afterwards.
She will never respect you as long as you allow things to progress as you are.
That makes sense and represents the far right view of my vaccilation.
The other side of the vaccilation is - I need to make this operate as a business so she can have her time and freedom to explore what it is that she is looking for.
Either way, I need to move on and am committed to having a positive attitude as Robx asked me yesterday, "I don't want to wake up in a crappy mood every day - do you?"
Anyhow, I need to choose a side and stick with it.
As of right now, its sticking it out and running our relationship as a business while we both take care of the family.
I have heard of some people getting through "MLC" or "rough patches" where one of the spouses need some space and the spouse did not move out. But only when there was no A. If you can establish and maintain a boundary that she can have space and stay in the house; UNLESS she decides that what she's looking for is another man, then go for it.
But it sounds to me like YOU have resigned yourself to allow her to explore other opportunities with other men.
I don't care how bad you might have treated her in your M; nobody deserves to be cheated on.
When the bomb was dropped and I handled it emotionally every day thereafter - basically pleading with her to stay - she told me that the more emotional I got, the more I was "pushing" her toward the other man.
The online affair started out as being innocent - reconnecting with a friend. It quickly crossed the line when she started talking about our marriage and her sexual/woman wants with him. She told me, at first, she wasn't going to follow through with the physical part but the more I "pushed" her, the more she wanted it as it made her feel like a woman while I made her feel like an emotionally abused wife.
Now that we have separated, she is following through on kindling a relationship with him.
I am resigned to it because I don't want to sell the house, split our belongings, and other challenges that lay ahead of us. Also, by her moving out, we lower our chances for a reconcile - don't we?
I know its a move I need to make but I am petrified to do so as the next step would be divorce - which I am pretty sure is the direction she would take it as a result of being completely separated at that point.
The problem is - each side of the balance beam is opposite to one another. I cannot keep going from one thought to the other as that is what got me in trouble during the past 30 days - let's stay and work one night - move out the next morning.
Robx, before you tell me to move on, realize I buy into the number of messages you sent to my posts yesterday and understand whichever side I stick to is fine - but either way, I need to move on.
she told me that the more emotional I got, the more I was "pushing" her toward the other man.
maybe some truth to that; but it's WAS spew...
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Now that we have separated, she is following through on kindling a relationship with him.
And that just proves the point that she was going to do this anyway.
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Also, by her moving out, we lower our chances for a reconcile - don't we?
Statistics do back that up; but it's not a given. Therefore, you have to keep DB'ing.
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I know its a move I need to make but I am petrified to do so as the next step would be divorce - which I am pretty sure is the direction she would take it as a result of being completely separated at that point.
If she's involved with another man; once she has him lined up, her next step might divorce anyway. She certainly won't come back to you in a respectful fashion; she'd be there for the same reason she is now...she's comfortable and has nowhere else to go.
You'll know what to do when you know it...everyone has their own time table.
The other side of the vaccilation is - I need to make this operate as a business so she can have her time and freedom to explore what it is that she is looking for.
I have personally never seen that work. Just sayin'.
I know its a move I need to make but I am petrified to do so as the next step would be divorce - which I am pretty sure is the direction she would take it as a result of being completely separated at that point.
Mike,
Only you can decide what to do. However, as long as you are making your important decisions from a basis of FEAR, you cannot operate successfully.
Instead, you need to operate from a position of "What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO" in every situation.
If you don't know what that is, pray for guidance and wisdom and clarity.
If you DO know what that is, but are just terrified to do it, then pray for strength, courage and resolve.
Either way, you need to do SOMETHING. The current situation will slowly kill your self-esteem, and even emasculate you.
How do I stop feeding her cake when we do so much as a family - even though my wife has checked out of our relationship?
simple, you stop feeding her cake, ask her to move out, how she does that is her concern not yours, how she affords a lawyer is her problem, not yours.
Start by limiting access to your funds.
Nobody says you have to finance her wayward ways.
Get a separate chequing account and place you money in there, it's not against the law and in fact, it's the smart thing to do, alot of WAW's become very spendy when they move on and "trade up" (in your situation, she found someone better, more value, etc.)
