Huband is having an emotional affair

[Allen A]

The more you work on yourself, the stronger and happier you will feel. Shut yourself OUT of your H's drama.. he's a big pushy drama queen right now... let him squirm out there while you work on bettering YOUR LIFE without him in it.

SO YOU will be a more appealing person for him to think about, but FAR MORE IMPORTANT, you will be a more appealing person for yourself to respect.

You need to get yourself happy for your kids, they feed off of whatever energy you feel. What your H puts YOU through, he's putting his KIDS through that too because THEY feel what YOU do.. your husband makes YOU miserable he's making his kids miserable too.

When you know your legal position you can refine your email a bit more and fire that out to him. It's NOT up for debate, he will possibly call you and argue about it.. You need to learn to just hold your position without ARGUING it.

You need to just stand firm and ignore his tantrums, his yelling, his threats, hes abusive hurtful words.. all of it should just bounce right off you.

Think like a mother with kids who want treats and to stay up late... mothers don't ARGUE, they just say NO and hold firm. You can do this with your kids I am sure, but you need to get yourself into a place where you can do this with your H too.


You aren't there yet... but for the sake of your kids you NEED to work on getting there.

This WILL help your marriage too... it will do nothing but help you in the long term.

[ALJ]

It's been awhile since I posted. I have been trying for weeks to get free legal advice concerning my rights regarding separation and child support. The legal aid office has told me that they only deal with divorces and not separations so I will get my information off of the internet and request a free consultation from a lawyer. I really want to be in the know when it comes to what my WH can and cannot fight me about regarding this situation.

By the looks of things, H has hit rock bottom when it comes to finances. He has asked to use $100 from the account and also $20
for gas money. I let him use the money last week and he says he needs it tomorrow also. He says he has been hired as a security guard and the company is just waiting on his background check to back from NY so he can start working. He also plans to work another job through a temp agency as a production worker working on a line of some sort. He says after tomorrow, he won't need any more money from the account. I let him use the money because he has and will help me if I asked him for money for things.

I just don't know. I am trying to walk that fine line of not being his friend but I keep slipping. One minute I am doing good, trying to detach from him and the next minute I get all emotional inside, trying to fight the feelings of despair. When H texted me asking about using the money, he also asked if I could mail him a pair of black pants that he left here because he wanted to go to church. Then I asked him to take care of a business matter for me and he said that he would but his phone might be shut off and he did not know when he would be able to pay the bill. Immediately, in my mind, I go into this mode of trying to solve all of his problems and rescue him. After a while, I send him a text asking him what he plans to do about his phone bill and he does not answer. Then I send another text asking him if he wanted to make arrangements for his bill. I was all ready to let him know when he could pay his bill using our account. He finally texted back that he had borrowed the money to pay his phone bill. I guess he did not want to ask to use more money from the account.

This "rescue mode" that I go into when H asks for help just does not apply to him. I am noticing that this is a habit that I had with family members also. I have gotten better at telling family members no. It's just that when H asks me, it makes me feel happy in a sense to help him and it lifts my mood. I also try to exhibit behaviors that H claims that I did not in the marriage. For example, the "not being there for him" complaint that he voiced to me. I know I have some issues to work on. On Sunday, it will one year since H walked out and moved away.

[Allen A]

This is why Penny Tuppy reccomends a PROTECTION PHASE... you would have a friend who would serve as an intermediary and would do your negotiating for you.. and woudl KEEP you from being EXPLOITED like this.

My concern ALJ is that your H may not even be fully honest with you. He tells you he can't pay his phone bill, and mysteriously now he can? Did it ever occur to you he was just being evasive and lying to you?

I really think you should get an intermediary to deal with him. If you can't control yourself ALJ then you cant PROTECT YOURSELF from being EXPLOITED, either.

You aren't his mother, but he treats you like one... Its ridiculous. I am not tellin gyou to give up on your marriage, but you DO need to give up on THIS DYANAMIC in your marriage... you just need to walk away from it...

Don't BE there when he watns something.. don't BE there when he calls.. don't BE available... HE's not.. he is available when he WANTS to be... from a DISTNCE when it is CONVENIENT to him. And when HE comes home he expects YOU to be there HE wants you to be WHEN HE WANTS you to be there... I remember you going out shopping and him throwing a tantrum because you came back late and he hadn't bothered to tell you he had made plans...

He's controlling this entire marriage right now... when he wants to be tehre, he is.. when he dons't ... he isn't... he has 100% control of the sitaution, and your instincts are to enable him and perpetuate this dynamic.

STOP BABYING him.. I think you know this already.. but it needs to be said.

Sorry,b ut he's cheating on you and controlling you, i don't trust a worth that comes out of his mouth regarding his claims to his financial situation or his phone bill.

If he was living under th same roof as you he wouldn't HAVE a phone bill to pay in teh first place. HE WANTED that phone along with the separate roof... to let him suffer.

Each time you try to rescue him you just teach him he can treat you like a doormat...sorry, but you are enabling him worrying over his phone bills.

Let him loose to grow up... babying him isn't going to lead him into a grown up place.

When YOU are making MORE money HE will just want MORE FROM you..h e will just USE YOU all the MORE...

YOU need to learn to say NO... NOW.. while its easy to do.

Its a LOT HARDER when he's THERE and you CAN help him more.. LEARN to protect yourself from him NOW... NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW