My H and I have been married for almost 9 years. We are soul mates, well at least I thought I was his? We are best friends and have always done everything together. We have a lot in common and have a lot of fun.
He has been married twice before. First marriage was when he was 23 and lasted 1 year, a son came from that one. He is now 19. His second marriage lasted 2 years, he was with her for 7 years. I was pretty much right behind her.
H happened to be a best friend of my step sisters and they worked together, he had seen a picture of me never knowing she even had a sister and when he saw it he told her " I am going to marry her someday" and that was it.....
I met him by chance at her birthday party, he was nothing of what I ever dated, etc...but I felt ill.... I was so drawn to him as he was me.... it was there and then that I knew the man I had prayed for had finally landed in my life.
I had never been married, just had many horrible relationships (as most of us have had).
I am sure many dont believe in soul mates, but I do and have lived my life with mine for the past nine years with him and poof...he is GONE....
He has never had a relationship with his Father. He was an alcoholic and has been sober for years but he still never spoke to him. His mother is an alcoholic and he couldnt stand her for the entire time we were married, she has never even met our children, D7, S5 and now all of a sudden, he has a Great relationship with her? This is after he abandoned us in Dec and moved out, furnished an apartment for himself and filed for divorce.
We had an amazing Thanksgiving together etc, and in 3 days he says I dont love you anymore, I dont know if I ever did. I want a divorce. I dont want to try counseling, I just dont have it in me anymore to want it. I want us to be best friends though. ? WHAT!
He said I am sorry I have been 'faking it' telling you how wonderful you are and how in love I am with you, I was lying. I dont feel that way and I cant fake it anymore, its not fair to you. You deserve to be loved by someone who really loves you and I dont... :o(
OMG..... I am still in a state of shock at his words. SOme history, he used Opiates the first 6 years we were married and hid it. I finally found out and he said he used them to 'deal with me' nice! I was his reason. He said his trigger. He left went to rehab and detox and while away then, he all of a sudden didnt love me anymore and he was divorcing me. He was gone two months that time. He had moved in with another woman, told her he loved her etc., said he was trying so hard to hate me but he just couldnt and so he came home asking me to forgive him and told me he genuinely loved me... that was 14 months ago and he is GONE, and has since filed for divorce. He stayed sober, doesnt drink or use pills anymore. He changed, stopped wanting to go to Church with the family. His astranged son that is 19 and that he had not seen in 7 yrs came to live with us and although it was good, it took the focus off our marriage and caused him a great deal of guilt and stress, trying to manage the little ones time, his older sons time, my time, his job ( which is a huge stresser for him ) him staying sober and not using to "deal" with it all.... well I just dont know.
So, he moved out and took his 19 year old with him. One month later his son left him and moved back home. This mad my H very angry and hurt, he basically wrote him out of his life yet again and said he is done with him, just like he has his entire family, ie. Mom, Dad, half sisters, half brother, now his own 19 year old...
Since living on his own, his personal life is more important that his little ones and whats really hard is to see that as he was the worlds greatest Daddy, I mean non stop fun, so involved, his kids were his world? What happened.... now he breaks promises, etc, breaks my D7 heart, she is so confused etc...as am I.
In reading and learning all I have from these boards, I understand what has happened... but I just dont know how to deal. I am standing for my marriage. I am Christian and I love my husband. I believe in Marriage and my vows I took, I meant.
I am struggling everyday to just live according to Gods Will and not my circumstances. Wondering is he MLC or WASpouse? He has NEVER dealt with all his baggage, ie., unforgiveness, bitterness, shame, guilt, etc...so I wonder is he on his Journey? I dont know. He blames me for it all. But in the next breath can say I am an amazing woman and mother, he is so proud of me and how much I have grown.. as I am burried in every book I could buy ( I read most in a day) I am on many boards, this one, midlifewives.com, marriagerejoiceministries, etc... lots of good info and so very sad at how MANY of us there are. I know this isnt about Me, its about HIM... but knowing he will be with another woman soon, even if its not already, I know he needs to GO THERE to experience it to see if it will fill his void that he thinks a NEW woman will fill.
I only ever saw us growing old together, getting healthy together, rearing our children in a Christ centered home, etc...
My D7 prays everynight for her Daddy's heart...that God will give him a light and direct him home someday....
Sorry so long, Thanks for listening. God Bless you all.
Before I go to far....are you really ready for this? Ready to look in the mirror? Detach from the pain? Are you ready?
That said...I pulled this from my thread;
Quote:
Adult attachment disorder;
""Unresolved childhood attachment issues leave an adult vulnerable to difficulties in forming secure adult relationships. Patterns of attachment continue through the life cycle and across generations. New relations are affected by the expectations developed in past relationships. There is a strong correlation between insecure adult attachment and marital dissatisfaction and negative marital interactions. If an adult does not feel safe with others, he/she will tend to be either rejecting of their partner or overly clingy."
Sound familiar?
I can go on with advice....but for now let's get to know you and let the other fine folks introduce themselves.
Remember that we don't offer help...you do that yourself. We offer experience and outside perspective
The situation you are in is extremly confusing, and I can understand you not knowing where to begin to tell this history.
Your life, it looks like, has been a series of roller coaster rides throughout the whole time you've been married to him. I'm surprised you haven't thrown up yet...and that's not in a literal sense.
This looks like MLC, but it also, on his part, looks like a pattern of broken relationships throughout his own life. What he's done is NOT your fault, it's his, and he has to deal with that part.
Unfortunately, you've somehow gotten caught in all his fallout, if that makes sense. Yet, it's put the proverbial ball in YOUR court. Yes, YOUR COURT; but you don't see that yet. I promise you will as time goes on.
((((((Round2))))))))))
It's like BND just said...BREATHE, calm down, get prepared for a journey of a lifetime; the one within YOU that will take you to a place where you will learn to not just survive, but grow and change. It will involve looking deep within, and it will not be a cakewalk; it will be painful, full of fear and doubt. But you will overcome these things to go on and become what God meant for you to be, a stronger, better person than you were BEFORE this happened.
When your husband ripped your lives apart, he not only put you on the path toward change, he's given you an opportunity to learn MORE about YOU.
Regardless of what he's done/not done...as time goes on, and your journey begins in earnest, you'll find you are the ONLY one who can control what happens with YOU. Your MLC'er/WAS is twisting in the wind for now..and you cannot help him. You can pray for him, but that will be all you can do for the time being.
In order to begin to deal, you MUST detach and distance from his drama; doesn't mean that you don't love him, but it does mean that you have to get to a place where you are not affected by his drama. This will clear your mind so you will begin to understand what you must do within YOU..and make more clearer decisions.
There are NO guarantees that your marriage will come back together; in fact NO guarantees when it comes to life in general. And though God hates divorce, He is loving toward the Left Behind Spouses who've been wronged, abandoned and otherwise abused. This trial will bring you closer to Him, if you will allow it to; and if you stay open to Him, help is always there through His strength and His comfort. He truly does take care of His own.
I have BEEN THERE, walked this path, and I did not understand many things, but the Lord was always there, sending people, providing instruction for me. I just had to stay open to it and Him. He has endured the SAME things we have endured, and knows just how we feel. This and many other trials are for OUR growing, building our strength, our faith, and our endurance. He took care of me even when things were SO hard, and I cried SO much; and I didn't understand..but still, He took care of me, helping me to learn what was needed for my growing; and it was HARD. But, on His strength, I came through, and learned much.
This is VERY early days for you; you're hurting, confused, don't know where to turn, and I know and understand that you don't exactly want to hear this, but there will be no quick way of resolving this; his MLC could take months or even years to resolve, and even then, IF he comes out, the result may not be what you would want; as this CHANGES people; some for better, some get stuck within, some make some very serious mistakes.
That's why it's important to get the focus OFF him, and begin to put it on YOU, taking care of yourself.
Also, remember NONE of what your husband had done or will do has ANYTHING to do with you; you didn't cause it, you didn't "twist his arm" and "make" him do what he's doing..it's HIM; it's ALL him.
Each person here has had personal experience with this monster we call MLC; keep an open mind to all that is contributed.
The answers such as they are, mostly lie within YOU; and I believe they will be accessed over time and through the questions you ask.
I will be the first one to say I don't have all the answers, no one does. If I had all the answers, NO ONE would have to go through this stuff.
Unfortunately, it's been shown to me before; when I had to deal, that everyone has to deal in one form or another.
I realize that's also something you don't want to hear, either, and I totally understand...but it's happened, you're in, and so you learn to deal...and it begins with the journey that's spoken of on so many different threads here; the journey toward wholeness, and it begins with YOU.
I will pray; God knows the need and He knows the heart of all people.
I sincerely hope this helps you thus far.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Sorry you're going through this Round. It's so hard when it involves children.
First, you must read Divorce Remedy. If you haven't read it then you'll have trouble putting the advice from this forum into context.
Second, I'm going to share a useful list that sandi posted in my first thread:
Quote:
I often give this list to newcomers as a guide or work plan b/c it is a summery of DB's 180's. Hope it will help.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence. 8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf. 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise. 37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
Memorize that list and use it as a lifeline while you learn more and get down to doing the real work that we do here -- dealing with our own issues.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Thank you for your comments and feedback. I appreciate it very much.
I have been working on myself and am learning a lot about myself. I bought the book about Divorce Busting but at the end where it reads if they leave they may not come back.
He has moved out and on. He has filed divorce. I have accepted it. I respect this decision because I understand through compassionate eyes where he is headed.
I guess I just question what to do about my kids now. He suggested I move home a State away from here and that he could see them every three weeks. I guess I am concerned if staying would cause more harm than good, with his broken promises and not seeing them, not keep them a priority. Especially when his new life really gets rolling with all the replay he is doing already. I worry about him having my children around some other woman too soon... we were a VERY close family, we all did EVERYTHING together, all four of us on the couch, bed, etc... so this is VERY HARD for my children and I am STUCK.... my entire family is there and I am chosing to stay here only for him. We moved here for his business. We have no one here except ourselves. This was our Dream and he has turned us on our heads..
Today while I was making my daughters bed I thought: Kinda hit home for me today when I was making my D7's bed....
I thought, well if he is really in this Crisis, I wouldnt want him to stay with me, unaware of his real TRUE feelings, much less himself and WHO HE IS... Not even knowing WHO he is, if he needs to take this Journey, no matter how long it takes, so be it.
If it will HELP him be a better MAN inside for it, good. I love him ENOUGH genuinely that I want him to be OKAY inside and not hurting like he has always been since I met him and he has never dealt with any of it.
I dont know what the future brings, only God does and I know my heart and where it lies, and so does God. I want my stbx to be okay and what ever that LOOKS like to get him there, its what he needs... if its not ME and the kids right now than its not... I know he needs GOD and maybe going on this Journey will finally get him there. I don't know...
I told him no matter how long it takes, 5 yrs, 7 yrs.. that I will be here for him, welcoming him home, forgiven as he walks through the door. He looked at me like I was crazy, but thats okay, its not about me looking or sounding like a door mat, I genuinely unconditionally love this man and I am trying to do my best to understand it all so I can better LET GO completely FOR ME. If he ever gets to that place of being at my 'door' and asking to come home...I know he will be 'ready and what he feels will be real and genuine. I guess he needs to see if something else out there will fill the void that I don't fill right now.
I bought the book about Divorce Busting but at the end where it reads if they leave they may not come back.
That's also part of your journey to self awareness/self understanding; preparing for the worst, but hoping for the best.
There's always hope when you put all in the hands of the Lord who knows ALL things. Let go, let God do His work, wait and watch. Otherwise, work on YOU, take care of YOU..you're important, and people are depending on you, especially your precious little ones.
No one has any quick fixes for this, but we all have to walk the journey, one step at a time, one day at a time.
Keep reading, keep learning, ask questions...we can't do it for you, but the tools are provided to assist you.
Believe me, I have been there, my situation was not exactly the same, but I still understand the pain and suffering you're experiencing.
Will check in on you again.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Can someone please share their thoughts on my moving away with the kids, D7 and S5. I have mentioned it a few times and am just wondering if the NC with him is best. Right now, he has the best of both worlds while my kids are being hurt...and I know it will only get worse. Plus, he suggested it as though its best for us: This is what he said in an email to me 1 week ago:
I know you don't see it now but I have put a lot of thought into you going to California. Your home all day working all by yourself with no one here for you and with being divorced it just wouldn't be healthy for you or the kids. I truly believe as painful as it will be for me and the kids to separate, it will be the best and healthiest move for the both of you.
You need to be happy as well and for you and the children to be surrounded by family.
I don't want your life to be just about working and the kids. You need to also enjoy life and your family and friends will bring you joy. I can not anymore and my life will move on and I certainly don't want to cause you any more pain. You are an unbelievable woman and are really getting healthy all the way around and one day you will realize that me leaving is the best thing that could have ever happened to you and me.
Ugh.....