I'll try to make this as brief as possible. I thought I had a wonderful marriage. Looking back there were times that I was not emotionally there, partied too much, and we stopped really communicating about problems years ago. W suggested counseling several times, but I thought that our love was enough. Fast forward to late January. She drops the bomb, there's another man. They haven't had sex, but she has feelings for him and is torn as whether to leave me.
I almost walked out that night, but the next day decided I didn't want to lose the most important person in the world to me. Wrote her a letter and left for work. Came home and we decided to go to counseling. It didn't work, and was more "divorce counseling" than marriage counseling, trying to make us both more comfortable to walk away.
Found out through bank account and cell phone bill that she was still seeing him. I stalked her, smothered her, cried, begged, etc. I did everything wrong. All she needed was space, and I pushed her away. Instead of a jealous husband she needed a strong friend she could lean on, which in this case was the other slimeball.
Last Friday she left. She moved out and is looking for apartments. The other man is married with kids, and hasn't even told his wife yet, the coward. I'm glad I never called her, or he'd be out on the street and fair game.
We had dinner last night to discuss the mortgage, utilities, dogs, etc. (we have no children). I told her I was worried about her making rash decisions and trying to change her entire life in a month, after being unhappy for years (I didn't know!) I've truly changed my life. I've cut down on drinking, haven't stayed out late (except the night after she left), quit smoking, lost weight, etc. Too little too late. Left it as we're going to stay friends, and I tried to plant the seed that the other guy is not all he seems.
She agreed to not get divorced, but try staying separated for a while. I don't know how much she's seeing the other man, but I assume they're together. She did invite me out to two events we had planned for later this month with friends, so she still wants to see me, if as a friend.
I desperately want her back. We've been together for 12 years, married for 7. It's never been a perfect relationship, but she's my best friend and I love her with all my heart. Right now just trying to stay positive, confident, funny, and get in better shape to be more physically attractive to her. Tried to let her know last night that no matter what we'd always be friends, and that WHEN he hurt her I'd be there.
Today I'm thinking I'll give her a blackout period. Not initiate any calls, texts, e-mails, etc. Just give her time to think after I planted the seed, and let her calm down. But I'm desperate to get her back.
1. As I mentioned, I don't think he's going to leave his wife and kids. My wife won't put up with that for long.
2. I don't want to be responsible for putting his wife and kids through what I'm going through.
God knows I've wanted to do it, but it seems spiteful and hurtful to the ones not responsible. And she has NOT slept with him. She's been brutally honest with me, and I do believe her in this aspect. I truly believe what she needs is time and distance to consider her actions.
I'm at a point that I still have hope for our marriage, but if it does end in divorce I can eventually accept that and move on. What I don't want to do is sabotage any hope I have by continuing to pursue her, and calling his wife is exactly that.
If you didn't know your W was having an affair would you want someone to tell you if they knew.
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What I don't want to do is sabotage any hope I have by continuing to pursue her, and calling his wife is exactly that.
That is not pursuing.
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And she has NOT slept with him. She's been brutally honest with me, and I do believe her in this aspect. I truly believe what she needs is time and distance to consider her actions.
WHY do you believe her, why? Cheaters lie, period.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
1. As I mentioned, I don't think he's going to leave his wife and kids. My wife won't put up with that for long.
2. I don't want to be responsible for putting his wife and kids through what I'm going through.
God knows I've wanted to do it, but it seems spiteful and hurtful to the ones not responsible. And she has NOT slept with him. She's been brutally honest with me, and I do believe her in this aspect. I truly believe what she needs is time and distance to consider her actions.
I'm at a point that I still have hope for our marriage, but if it does end in divorce I can eventually accept that and move on. What I don't want to do is sabotage any hope I have by continuing to pursue her, and calling his wife is exactly that.
Disagree with me, I am open to debate on this.
IMHO. Your thoughts are wrong. You are in a fog yourself. I am not going to debate with you on this. I will restate my opinion. And you can go read about others who expose and who do not.
3 out of 4 people know why their lives are messed up. 1 does not. This is wrong. She needs to know. It is the right thing to do. By not telling her you are enabling the affair. And you are mind reading. Want an affair to stop. Bring it to the light. Make it known. Bring crisis to their affair.
The second point. You are not responsible. Did you toss the two of them on top of each other. No. They are responsible. They are the ones who decided that they do not give a rats ass about your marriage.
Your wife has zero respect for that woman and her children. She is a liar and a cheater. She has zero respect for her marriage and zero respect for your marriage.
He has zero respect for you. He is a liar and a cheater. He has zero respect for his marriage , family and he has zero respect for your marriage.
The only brutal honest thing she has said to you was. You caught me. I am going to go off and be with this man in a guilt free environment.
Your wife is a liar. She is living a lie. You are enabling that by believing her. I am going to do a mind read here which is wrong... But did she tell you not to say anything?
Do not believe anything they say and half of what they do.
The path you are following leads to divorce.
2 destroyed marriages.
Your choice.
MAN UP
And learn what tough love is.
Her space and distance is to continue an active affair.
Trust me on this.
Go read.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I believe her because I know that she still loves me, even if she's not "in love" with me. I've done everything wrong up to this point, and this is the first thing that really feels right. Telling her I'm concerned for her as a friend, not a jealous husband, then going dark feels right.
I'll consider calling his wife, but I'm going to think long and hard before I do. I'd rather wait and see what happens. At this point it won't hurt anything.
My plan is to wait until the events planned together for later this month until I contact her again. I'll respond if she contacts me, but no more than short, friendly replies. If, by the 19th she's still seeing him and he hasn't told his wife, all bets are off.
As I said, I don't believe he'll ever tell his wife, and I'd rather have mine disappointed and hurt by him than me instigate it.
As I said, I don't believe he'll ever tell his wife
Why would he? He knows he can string your wife along and you are too scared to do the right thing. I know you are new here but the advice you are getting works. Waiting is not a plan.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I suggest that you read many threads where infidelity is an issue and see what happens when people do and don't follow the advice to bust the A. I think that when you are dealing with a WAW and you don't have the responsibility of shared children, a very strong response is a good idea. Taking the "nice guy" approach is not going to shock her into re-evaluating her choices. And the longer that you wait, the further things will progress in the A, whether that's physically or emotionally.
It sounds like you're doing a good job on 180s...keep that up.
Here's a book for you: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage This outlines gender differences in women's and men's needs in marriage. A good place to start when you can't figure out why your spouse was so unhappy that s/he had an A, moved out, etc.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
And become friends with the person who started this thread. You two are going to be going through this at the same time. And trust me on this. Friendships from the fire are very important.
