Wife in love with another man, I need help

[Allen A]

I would'nt be NICE to her, I would reccomend you be CIVIL

Are you NICE to children when they misbehave too?

I understand you are worried you may scare her off, but believe me its NOT likley helping you.

Just be a STIRLING example of ADULTHOOD, you don't have to be NICE when she's being distant, just be CIVIL... think Mr Spock... he's not nice to anyone, but he is civilized and responsible...

Keep in touch with her family, keep showing them how adult you are... they will turn around too...

Your wife has likely poisoned you against them... you need to make HER look like a FOOL... you DO that by acting like a mature responsbile ADULT around her family... they will gradually SEE who is lying to them and they WILL INFORM you if they see her cheating...

Build ALLIANCES as MUCH as you CAN

And yes it looks like you have the idea, get RIGHT in the FACE of that affair.. affairs are FUN when they are secret and no one knows... they are NOT FUN when EVERYONE knows and you are the subject of GOSSIP

Keep exposing that affair, make it look like the most HURTFUL SELFISH thing anyone could ever DO... by YOU acting like an ADULT, SHE looks BAD.. THAT is how you WIN over her family and eventually HER as well...

Once she's clean, and her family likes you... THEN you can decide if this is what you want...

Renovate your home before you sell it so to speak, you may find you don't WANT to sell it after you fix it up anyway...

Its worth the effort trust me

[WhatNow]

Hi Jonpen,

Sounds as if you are doing a good job educating yourself. Have you read "not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? Good one for both of you! Another good one is "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson--I'll bet you will see your marriage prior to A in there and it will give you both hope. If you can, get a copy for each of you.

Does she say A is over? Is she willing to end it?

If so, a letter asking OM to leave her alone (and have NC) so she can repair her marriage that you mail, is necessary.

[Allen A]

Hey WhatNow, good call on Hold me Tight, i have that one, I don't see many people reccomend that one, but it is excellent for building a bond again...

Not much in there on affairs though.. I wouldnt' read that just yet... I would read Glass and Spring for starters...

your family not being supportive to you is crap, but its common.. people often have as much confidence in a marriage as teh LEAST confident person...

Same idea as a team is only as strong as its weakest player

If they say they want out, people outside the marriage don't have much hope...

BUT... people outside the marriage don't understand wayward syntrome script... WE on this forum can spot that MILES away...

Your wife is just spewing script if she says she wants out, ignore it.

I would be VERY careful about being NICE when she's cheating.

MANY MANY MANY wayward spouses having affairs take you being NICE as you implicitly CONDONING their AFFAIR.

They will not say out right "You are being nice, so I guess you are OK with me cheating on you", but that is how they will RESPOND to NICENESS in MOST cases...

Being NICE RARELY if EVER brings an affair-engaged spouse back.

We reccomend an approach in some threads referred to as Ghandi approach where you do the following :

1. EXPOSE the AFFAIR
2. CONFRONT your SPOUSE
3. PROTECT YOUR family

you follow these three and all teh while you

PROTEST PROTEST PROTEST

You make sure EVERYONE knows you want your mariage and everything you do you are doing to save your family. BUt you do NOT engage the spouse again until they stop their affair.

You expose the affair as offensive, selfish, and cruel to you and the children and you protect yourself and your family from the tantrums until the sopuse agrees to attend family therapy

This is roughly teh basics of it

WHile implementing Ghandi you do NOT

1. File for divorce
2. ARgue wtih your spouse
3. Attack your spouse
4. Criticize your spouse
5. Be NICE to your spouse

ALL EMOTIONS are shut OUT of your marriage... untl they make a commitment to END the AFFAIR

This in most cases results in

1. Pursuit
2. Your spouse baiting you into a fight
3. VERY Moody spouse

Over the long haul, this can bring them back ... but you need to ATTACK the AFFAIR, you can't ignore it...

do NOT engage the spouse, attack teh affair... expose to the public what they are doing... public humiliation CAN be a powerful impetus to get clean

[sleeplessinspoke]

Jonpen,

You'll see by my post count that I am newer and less wise than some of the folks here who are giving you great 'tough love' advice....I am impressed with how well you seem to follow much of the advice in Michelle's books on dealing with the cheating spouse...I feel much weaker than that in my sitch:

I have been drawn here first by feeling I am in a SSM. Suddenly, last fall, I got jolted into the idea that perhaps my LD wife was having an affair. All at once, much of her behavior, not trying not offering excuse playing on my patience and fear of confrontation in letting her off the hook so to speak about not reading books, not going to therapy, not trying anything made sense. I became obsessed with watching her every move but to this day have not uncovered anything on my own, with calling in Magnum, PI it is a mystery to me on how to find. She would have to have been so careful to hide it this well.

Most of the stories I find here have cheaters getting caught pretty easily...It seems that I may have constructed the theory and made every observation fit into an elaborate script that doesn't seem likely but would make great TV. I don't want to be a wimp and I really have been mostly because I don't know for sure. It's a huge difference for me if she is actually doing this thing and lying to me everyday biding her time until they can be together OR she's a LD private, non-communicative, person who doesn't know how to fix our problem and is just riding the status quo wave since it works much better for her.

The being NICE talk has grabbed my attention. I am guilty of this approach time and time again. Many describe it as poison in these situations and if she is cheating i totally agree. But what if she is not, and I am just trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense to me? She finally has agreed to go to conseling and we've started. I've been inclined to back off my weak ass investigation to see if this is a sincere effort and there will be some change to start us reconnecting.....

I would love any advice from some of you heavy hitters aka result getters out there on how I should proceed and actual techniques for finding out for sure. What Jonpen has done, going in with the SWAT team to crush expose the affair, is something I have dreamed of being able to do if the worst is in fact true....my GAL project continues regardless but life is still so enmeshed in the raising of our kids and her being my best friend. You can, if you know how to (I haven't learned to navigate very well), see what I posted on Newcomers board back in Oct '09 (reference 'Sugarland, Need to know the unknowable') for more background and for insight as to just how far I have to go in the manning-up department. Please help if you have time and I apologize for asking for more than I can give hear interms of help and advice...

[Allen A]

Hi sleeplessinspoke

I am going to suggest if you are looking for replies its best for you to open this post of yours up again its OWN thread, it gets WAY too confusing to help someone with two stories in the same thread, its much like listening to two people talk at the same time.

So, I am suggesting you copy and paste the post above into a thread you create in this forum and we will have a look at it ok?

It's not that we don't want to help, its just EASIER to help you if you have your own thread here.

Thank you

[Jonpen]

Well she has an appt to go to an attorney and file on the 19th. She told me what she is proposing and I'm ok with it. I don't want the divorce but since I'm being forced to anyway I might as well get the best deal I can.

She is proposing joint custody but I have the kids 1 extra day per week then she does because of her work schedule, she is going to continue to pay my cell phone, gas, food etc...until I am out of school. i get half of all the assets, I also get to be the primary residential parent. I will have to move back in with my dad but he has a huge house so there will be plenty of room.

I still don't want the D but I have come to accept it. It takes 2 to save a marriage and she is not even willing to try, she thinks by making herself single the OM will want to do the same. This OM is a lowlife loser and I don't want him anywhere near my kids. He is in AA classes, been married 3 times and is only 33, also he is big into witchcraft.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Jonpen,

Are you looking for ADVICE on your thread, or just journaling/venting?

I'm not really sure, since you don't really answer most of the questions that others have asked you, nor respond to some of the advice they've graciously offered.

Puppy

[WhatNow]

WTH!

"I don't want the divorce but since I'm being forced to anyway I might as well get the best deal I can."

You had a pair! Did they get lost!

"It takes 2 to save a marriage"
Not according to MWD!

You came to this DB site. Did you read anything here?
What things have you tried?

[jasper67]

I aree w/ whatnow-

you can sill do alot to change things...I can tell you, I am in AA as well...most of the people are extremely effed up- the guy is 33 and already M 3 times?! What is she thinking?!

I'm pretty effed up to, my issues are mostly based on codependancy...many people in AA are hypocrites- not all, but many...they talk the talk, they 13th step, they are selfish and self centered...I dont know what kind of program he works...but obv he is willing to pursue someone who's M...that speaks volumes.

My best friend down here shared w/ me last night that he was w/ a hick who was M...I about puked...given my sitch...I immediately let him know my thoughts and he understands...he is also in AA.

The trouble is people condone what the WS is doing...she says she's not happy and her needs aren't being met...like someone welse said- WE are capable of meeting our own needs, we dont NEED someone else to make us happy or sad.

I really feel for you, but I would PMA, GAl, 180 and slow play the D.

[Jonpen]

but what about the D on the 19th? she is just going to go file, she already showed me what she is proposing and I won't fight it if it turns out exactly as she showed me. I am looking for advice if any of you think it's still possible to save my marriage. I have blocked all forms of communication that I can control, (cell phones, facebook, all online chat) I will try to answer some of the questions you all previously asked. No, she is not willing to stop the affair, she flat out told me to stop trying to run her life and gave me the normal fog babble WS speeches.

In no way does she want to save the marriage or even attempt it. She is going to file on the 19th, she already showed me the papers and she has the money. I expose to the OM's wife everytime I catch them talking. I do not think she is talking to him but I could be wrong, plus she told me "I will talk to whoever I want" she also told me she is in love with him and wants to be with him.

I played the "nice" role for about 2 months and I have just now been doing the 180 for a little over 1 week, I am now going out with friends all the time and moving on with my life without her, this is very difficult because I still live with her and see her everyday. She is actually very nice to me now that I have "accepted the D" and I told her that I could not love the person she has become, but I do miss the person she was"

I want to get to the point where we are sleeping in the same bed, being intimate and at least have a start on fixing the marriage. She told me she no longer has any feelings towards me and she no longer wants to be married to me. Her family does not condone the affair but they accept that she no longer wants to be with me.
I am not working so I do not have any income or $$ I go to school FT, thats why she is forcing me to accept the D I cannot afford to fight it. I told her over and over I don't want it, I told her I truly believe we could have a happy loving marriage, but nothing at all clicks with her.
We still take the kids out to the park together sometimes, and we even still laugh and joke with each other around the house, but I only do this when she approaches me, I never up and talk to her or come to her for anything. When she comes to me I try to keep the conversation as short as possible.

I need ALOT of advice guys, I don't know if anything I am doing is right or not, I do not hurt near as bad as I did 2 months ago when I was being "nice" that was torture. Now that I am getting out, being with friends and having fun without her the pain is slowly fading, but my love for her is fading as well.
Please help anyway that you can.