Reposting here - because I deeply respect you fine, fine people and am seeking advice particularly relate to MLC... - SH
Here goes! Apologies for the length. I've been lurking for weeks, but really need support & advice...
My formerly loving and beloved H turned 39 in early January. In mid-January I got the ILYBNILWY speech and in mid-Feb he dropped the BOMB: “I am signing a lease on an apartment and moving out tomorrow.” He left me – but had been variously ‘gone’ in his head for months (since spring 2009). In November, he revealed that he had been having feelings for a close friend of mine nearly half his age (she admired our marriage and was floored by his revelation, saying that she knew he loved me and insisting that he tell me). At that time, I thought that the M was over, but he begged and pleaded and swore that he would “dedicate the rest of his life to proving his love to me.” I capitulated – with great hope and love in my heart and our lives continued on as before. But he soon went back into his head and ceased engaging on our home, shaving, cutting his hair and even eating (going from size 36” to 32” in a matter of weeks). Within weeks H went from confused and lost broken child, to belligerent teenager, to runaway....Heavy duty MLC!
It seems that H never confronted the pain of extreme childhood abuse that he and his siblings suffered and, when MLC started in the spring, all of that came flooding back, spilling out into the present day until it mixed with our beautiful 10 years of marriage (12 yrs 8 months together) – darkening every good memory and casting me in the role of abusive, controlling, insensitive, unloving, manipulative b**ch. I was the enemy. In the early months, he would ‘disappear’ into his head and then ‘come back’ and be his usual self for a while. But, after the speech, he completely shut down and then he was gone...
Like so many others before me, I did all of the wrong things, the begging, the crying – and when he was still at home I would often ask him to “come back to me” from wherever he was in his head and tell me what was happening, or to “man up” (how idiotic in retrospect!). Early on, I fully recognized that he was having what I referred to as some kind of ‘existential crisis’ when he declared that he hated his job and wanted to become a documentary filmmaker. He started looking for schools... but soon dropped the search, saying that ‘maybe that wasn’t it’ and he continued his search for the source of his angst. He finally landed on our marriage (read: ME) as the culprit.
In retrospect, I fully recognize my insensitivity to his pain throughout our years together, thinking that we had a solid, loving marriage and that he was a centered, strong man (when he really had such an unhealed little boy lurking inside). He went out of his way to ‘take care’ of me and I felt like the luckiest woman in the world (and I took care of him and adored him in return!). But his role cast me in a parental role...one that I took on without a thought. I have a lot of work to do to examine the many ways in which I contributed to his pain (and he has a laundry list – believe me!). The fact is he was the most loving, attentive, proud, and supportive spouse until this started. We gleefully did everything together and were in contact constantly, checking in and sharing our hearts and thoughts several times a day. We were each other’s ‘favorite time of day' – best friends, enjoying each other’s company over all others and delighting in our life together with a sense that ‘we won’. In all of our years together, people always asked if we were newly weds...even weeks before the BOMB! My family, friends, and neighbors were in complete shock when they found out that he skated. I too continue to be in shock, even after a month. Still, not a day has gone by that he hasn’t called or texted, he’s come over four times (twice for extended discussions – one of which included his doing two loads of laundry).
So, here I am shocked, heartbroken and terrified...but I have been working hard not to show this to him (since my initial – all the wrong responses scenario). As far as he’s concerned, I am ‘at peace’ – shocked – but at peace... In the first few weeks, he asserted that he ‘didn’t want to make the biggest mistake of his life’ and wasn’t sure what he wanted to do (was it over or worth saving? did he trust that I was capable of making changes?, etc.). But last week his IC counselor pressed him, telling him that she could not work with him if he didn’t make a decision...so he called (in tears) and told me that he was 100% sure that we were done and he wanted me to tell him that I believed him (I said that I did – BUT I DON’T! He’s in MLC for goodness sake! He has no idea what he is doing or what he is feeling from moment to moment!) He decided to terminate with the counselor this week because she was not giving him the love and attention he deserved either (hmmmmm). He says that he knows that he must do this (leave, end it, and process all of this stuff on his own/alone) in order to move forward, but he is consumed with guilt for causing me pain (Acceptance Stage ONE?). I told him that I am at peace and he is a grown man capable of making his own decisions and I am a grown woman capable of taking care of herself (coaching tactic).
Last week, when he was here doing laundry, he said that he was seriously considering coming back to our house (strictly for financial reasons), since he’s been working ridiculous overtime in order to afford his MLC apartment. He’s still thinking about it. We have both promised to be kind to each other (a promise he has broken repeatedly with screaming phone calls listing all of the many ways in which I destroyed his heart and soul over the years). I have stopped initiating contact completely (he is the one who calls). This weekend I am leaving on a business trip and he is taking me to the airport and staying at the house with the kitties on Sat & Sun. He’ll pick me up late on Monday and presumably return to his MLC apartment (in an undisclosed location that I never want to know!).
I had my first coaching session this week (can’t really afford more than the three allotted), and I’ve been working hard to focus on self: meditation, yoga, journaling, IC, massage... I have been acting as if – gathering things around the house to sell in preparation for putting it on the market and serious downsizing in the future. The coach seemed to think that we are not terminal (joy!) and that he is in the process of renegotiating the relationship as a MAN (as opposed to the 'me as mommy' thing, which also had the added affected of destroying our sex life - on both sides!). It’s time for me to treat him like a man and to imagine/renvision myself with a man instead of a boy.
So...I wonder if the amazing people on this board could give me some insights going forward... I really, really, really love him and want to restore and renew my marriage to this amazing man (who is not being so amazing lately...but you should have seen him for 12 years before!). Yes: I have ‘let go’ and I am taking steps to GAL and continue to move forward...but part of his argument is that I always put him second to my pursuits (working on a PhD right now, but took a LOA; career; voluntary activities; belly dancing, etc.). Even though we spent all of our free time together, he has this claim. On the other hand, he complains that I was annoyingly too concerned with him... Where do I go from here?!?
In gratitude, SoftHeart
Me 42 H 39 No kids...but cats hat we consider ‘kids’ M 1999 T 1997 12 yrs 8 months of loving bliss...until MLC hit!
You are divine! Let go of the past – let go of the future – BE HERE in the beauty of NOW.
SoftHeart, You both are now on your own individual travels through the MLC maze. Treat him as you would a friend, keep expectations at zero and affirm and validate his thoughts, feelings, etc. If he should return home, you will need to "think" of him as a roommate for now.
Your h has gone back in time to find the place where he was stunted emotionally. Once he's there, which I suspect he's at right now, he'll explore, experiment and yes, even exhibit some strange behaviors along the way as he continues to grow up.
What shall you do? Continue on w/your life, live it to the fullest. Pull out a sheet of paper and make a list of all of the things that you have put aside and start doing them. This is a very long journey and one that will require much compassion, understanding and patience. You will need to dig deeper than you ever have before for that "patience".
If he does return home, do not do everything that you have done for him in the past. If you are preparing a meal and wish to invite him to eat w/you, fine. However, do not become his mother during this time. He will need to do his laundry, etc. He sees you as a "mother/authority" figure and that's where some of the issues are coming from. He needs to grow up and learn to respect you as his spouse, companion and lover, not his mother.
As you travel the road here, you will learn quite a bit about yourself and yes, you will become stronger and wiser too. It's not an easy road, but we all are here to assist you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am so pleased to have your wise counsel! He seems to be processing things very quickly. I've watched him move from the runaway teenager to responsible young man in the past few weeks (he got a haircut, did his laundry, showered [finally! PU! :)], and detailed his car! He never cleaned our cars before really!).
I have been treating him as a friend - someone I care about (he really doesn't have too many, so he seems to be turning to me a lot for support, which seems to keep me in the mommy role...argh!). Each time we get together it seems like a therapy session without the therapist... Not sure how to break that cycle...
SoftHeart
Me 42 H 39 No kids...but cats that we considered ‘kids’ M 1999 T 1997 12 yrs 8 months of loving bliss...until MLC hit!
You are divine! Let go of the past – let go of the future – BE HERE in the beauty of NOW.
Sorry you are her, but this board will help you get through this. There are some great people here who can give you some great advice.
Have you gotten the Db/DR books. If not get those to read. You should also read the detach link and the resources. There are links on a few peoples threads and at the top of this forum.
You need to start GAL and worry about YOU not him.
There are no magic buttons or quick fixes but you can get through this.
If you have trouble finding the links let me know and I will post them for you.
I'm working with an IC and have two more coaching sessions ahead & I'll get the books today.
In my quest to GAL, I'm meeting a friend from my dance class for lunch (great to get out of the house-that-was-once-a-home for a change, since I mostly work from home!). She's into a lot of stuff and I want to pick her brain for social outlets...
Hi, SH. I just read through your story and can identify in so many ways. We too had a great marriage for the most part. I never doubted his love for me and he was so good at taking care of me and then the MLC . . .ick. The thing that really resonated about your thread with me, too, is that even when things were peachy my H did share a lot about old wounds from childhood and admit I probably kind of brushed them aside. I did listen and validate, but I guess I just didn't realize the depth of the damage at that point.
My MLC H lives at home (though "separately") still. If your H does decide to move home again, my advice is to give him as much space as possible. Stay out of his way. Let him fend for himself (as Snodderly pointed out). Be kind but detach! If he is in MLC he will most likely act differently and do things you have never seen before (like you said with the detailing of the car, etc.). Just do your best to focus on you and not him. It is a tough road and it is a long one.
The advice you will receive here really is invaluable - there are so many wise posters in so many different stages of the journey.
Welcome to this board. Sorry you have to be here but this is a wonderful resource and you will "meet" great people here who understand your sich and want to give you support.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.I would also suggest you read the entire thread as many good comments come from other people.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Also you can read some threads of people start to finish as it can really help you with your journey.
Thanks for your reply... I'm sorry that we're both here, but glad that we share a similar story and will be able to commiserate. I'm grateful for your input and the advice of any others. You've been here nearly a year?! I'll have to read your story...
The big test ahead is his taking me to the airport on Saturday morning and staying in the house while I'm away until Monday night. I'm attending a conference and also meeting up with an old friend while away. He did say today that he "can't wait to be with the boys"...meaning our 2 remaining cats (the third had to be put to sleep a week after he left :'( tough stuff!). I told him that I think they'll be thrilled too.
I think there may be some movement (of the emotional variety) over the weekend, while he is here...but there really is no way of knowing. His sole stated intention for the potential of coming back is financial and to get the house ready for sale, sell it, and move on. We have not had any D discussion at all yet and have cooled it on the R discussions since his laundry day last weekend (when we talked about his potential return and he asked for my assurance that I believe him that it's over). But I have been open to his return as a way to relieve the burden of his working crazy hours (too mom-like?).
One of my biggest issues is that I HAD a life before this (graduate school work, paid work, volunteer work - 3 gigs, dance class)... I'm trying hard to find other things to fill the endless hours of alone time that I now face beyond these other things that already filled my life this time was reserved for him/us!). It's really difficult. I did add a new yoga class and a couple of new reconnections with old friends and new...so I am on way now...but it's hard!
Thanks for your input and advice.
I get it: DETACH. Act 'as if' and keep moving forward with my life, renegotiating our relationship as the best friends that we have been from the beginning.
