Here goes! Apologies for the length. I've been lurking for weeks, but really need support & advice...
My formerly loving and beloved H turned 39 in early January. In mid-January I got the ILYBNILWY speech and in early-Feb he dropped the BOMB: “I am signing a lease on an apartment and moving out tomorrow.” He left me – but had been variously ‘gone’ in his head for months (since spring 2009). In November, he revealed that he had been having feelings for a close friend of mine nearly half his age (she admired our marriage and was floored by his revelation, saying that she knew he loved me and insisting that he tell me). At that time, I thought that the M was over, but he begged and pleaded and swore that he would “dedicate the rest of his life to proving his love to me.” I capitulated – with great hope and love in my heart and our lives continued on as before. But he soon went back into his head and ceased engaging on our home, shaving, cutting his hair and even eating (going from size 36” to 32” in a matter of weeks). Within weeks H went from confused and lost broken child, to belligerent teenager, to runaway....Heavy duty MLC!
It seems that H never confronted the pain of extreme childhood abuse that he and his siblings suffered and, when MLC started in the spring, all of that came flooding back, spilling out into the present day until it mixed with our beautiful 10 years of marriage (12 yrs 8 months together) – darkening every good memory and casting me in the role of abusive, controlling, insensitive, unloving, manipulative b**ch. I was the enemy. In the early months, he would ‘disappear’ into his head and then ‘come back’ and be his usual self for a while. But, after the speech, he completely shut down and then he was gone...
Like so many others before me, I did all of the wrong things, the begging, the crying – and when he was still at home I would often ask him to “come back to me” from wherever he was in his head and tell me what was happening, or to “man up” (how idiotic in retrospect!). Early on, I fully recognized that he was having what I referred to as some kind of ‘existential crisis’ when he declared that he hated his job and wanted to become a documentary filmmaker. He started looking for schools... but soon dropped the search, saying that ‘maybe that wasn’t it’ and he continued his search for the source of his angst. He finally landed on our marriage (read: ME) as the culprit.
In retrospect, I fully recognize my insensitivity to his pain throughout our years together, thinking that we had a solid, loving marriage and that he was a centered, strong man (when he really had such an unhealed little boy lurking inside). He went out of his way to ‘take care’ of me and I felt like the luckiest woman in the world (and I took care of him and adored him in return!). But his role cast me in a parental role...one that I took on without a thought. I have a lot of work to do to examine the many ways in which I contributed to his pain (and he has a laundry list – believe me!). The fact is he was the most loving, attentive, proud, and supportive spouse until this started. We gleefully did everything together and were in contact constantly, checking in and sharing our hearts and thoughts several times a day. We were each other’s ‘favorite time of day' – best friends, enjoying each other’s company over all others and delighting in our life together with a sense that ‘we won’. In all of our years together, people always asked if we were newly weds...even weeks before the BOMB! My family, friends, and neighbors were in complete shock when they found out that he skated. I too continue to be in shock, even after a month. Still, not a day has gone by that he hasn’t called or texted, he’s come over four times (twice for extended discussions – one of which included his doing two loads of laundry).
So, here I am shocked, heartbroken and terrified...but I have been working hard not to show this to him (since my initial – all the wrong responses scenario). As far as he’s concerned, I am ‘at peace’ – shocked – but at peace... In the first few weeks, he asserted that he ‘didn’t want to make the biggest mistake of his life’ and wasn’t sure what he wanted to do (was it over or worth saving? did he trust that I was capable of making changes?, etc.). But last week his IC counselor pressed him, telling him that she could not work with him if he didn’t make a decision...so he called (in tears) and told me that he was 100% sure that we were done and he wanted me to tell him that I believed him (I said that I did – BUT I DON’T! He’s in MLC for goodness sake! He has no idea what he is doing or what he is feeling from moment to moment!) He decided to terminate with the counselor this week because she was not giving him the love and attention he deserved either (hmmmmm). He says that he knows that he must do this (leave, end it, and process all of this stuff on his own/alone) in order to move forward, but he is consumed with guilt for causing me pain (Acceptance Stage ONE?). I told him that I am at peace and he is a grown man capable of making his own decisions and I am a grown woman capable of taking care of herself (coaching tactic).
Last week, when he was here doing laundry, he said that he was seriously considering coming back to our house (strictly for financial reasons), since he’s been working ridiculous overtime in order to afford his MLC apartment. He’s still thinking about it. We have both promised to be kind to each other (a promise he has broken repeatedly with screaming phone calls listing all of the many ways in which I destroyed his heart and soul over the years). I have stopped initiating contact completely (he is the one who calls). This weekend I am leaving on a business trip and he is taking me to the airport and staying at the house with the kitties on Sat & Sun. He’ll pick me up late on Monday and presumably return to his MLC apartment (in an undisclosed location that I never want to know!).
I had my first coaching session this week (can’t really afford more than the three allotted), and I’ve been working hard to focus on self: meditation, yoga, journaling, IC, massage... I have been acting as if – gathering things around the house to sell in preparation for putting it on the market and serious downsizing in the future. The coach seemed to think that we are not terminal (joy!) and that he is in the process of renegotiating the relationship as a MAN (as opposed to the 'me as mommy' thing, which also had the added affected of destroying our sex life - on both sides!). It’s time for me to treat him like a man and to imagine/renvision myself with a man instead of a boy.
So...I wonder if the amazing people on this board could give me some insights going forward... I really, really, really love him and want to restore and renew my marriage to this amazing man (who is not being so amazing lately...but you should have seen him for 12 years before!). Yes: I have ‘let go’ and I am taking steps to GAL and continue to move forward...but part of his argument is that I always put him second to my pursuits (working on a PhD right now, but took a LOA; career; voluntary activities; belly dancing, etc.). Even though we spent all of our free time together, he has this claim. On the other hand, he complains that I was annoyingly too concerned with him... Where do I go from here?!?
In gratitude, SoftHeart
Me 42 H 39 No kids...but cats hat we consider ‘kids’ M 1999 T 1997 12 yrs 8 months of loving bliss...until MLC hit!
You are divine! Let go of the past – let go of the future – BE HERE in the beauty of NOW.
I also posted this story on the MLC forum (since that's where I've been logically lurking for several weeks) & I will likely be hangin' there for quite some time since we're only in week 4 of MLC/WAH...
Stay tuned! SH
Me 42 H39 M 10 years, T 12.75 years MLC began spring 2009 ILYBNILWY 1/18/10 WAS 2/5/10 EA revealed 3/6/10 EA ended (by her) 3/7/10 M - DOA...but working on getting disentangled.
