I needed a break so I just sat back and watched and I am seeing a disturbing trend going on with some of the advice given/taken...
I have been here for quite some time so I know who I can rely on to keep me straight...
I know whose advice is going to work for me and whose advice I can pick apart and use parts of...
Advice being the key word...Take what you think may apply to your sitch and use it as you feel fit...
However when you come here and talk about your spouse being bipolar, PTSD, BPD, OCD etc...
Stop using it as an excuse for what your spouse has done. Yes they may be cheating or they may be a WAS or even a spouse with MLC however you need to also take a long hard look in the mirror and see where you may have also not been the best spouse you could have been.
I know it is easier to demonize your spouse and blame them for every wrong doing under the sun however a marriage takes two people.
Take this time to do a little soul-searching...Find out what it is you truly want, then go for it...
You want to fight for your marriage? Great then make the necessary changes...Do the 180's, get the book and actually open it up and read it...GAL...
The quicker you can reach that point, the easier this is going to be for you...
As for the bipolar...I have seen some awful advice flying about the boards on this subject...
I for one have been living with this for over 20 years and it isn't a secret that I am opposed to meds (though I do take them) however let me make one thing very clear - Never in the 20 years I have been married did I leave my husband because of this...
I may have used it as an excuse for many things however destroying people isn't one of them...
Yes it is a mental disease however as a bipolar, even during mania you still have all your mental capacites in tact, you still know right from wrong...
Using it as an excuse to annihilate families is not tolerable...
Using it because of what your spouse has done is inexcusable...
It is a very hard thing to live with...
Not a cherry on top of your now crappy marriage...
Own your portion of the mess that has been created and take the time to become a better person because of it...
This didn't happen overnight and it won't be fixed overnight.
It takes a tremendous amount of time and no one on this board has a quick fix for you...
Blaming the problems on whatever mental issues your spouse has isn't going to make it any easier - Hell it may be a bit harder for you however you need to stop making excuses and start owning your own chit.
Going dark on a bipolar person just to "teach them" or make them come running back to you when they hit the depression stage is heartbreaking for me to see...
This isn't a game...This is life...Your life, their life and playing games like that is akin to playing Russian Roulette...
Keep pushing them like that and what happens when they get locked up in their mind with no hope of escape because you decided to "teach them a lesson"?
If you don't feel you can handle living with a person with bipolar, I would have to ask why did you get married in the first place? Did you think your love would make it go away?
It is life long and I have news for some of you - Meds and therapy don't always work for everyone...
It took me over 3 years before I had a cocktail of meds that actually worked for me...
I wonder where I would be at this moment if my H had taken the attitude of some of you and just gave up on me so long ago...
I only speak of this to educate some of you...
I only speak of bipolar because that is something I know...
If you don't know what you are talking about either don't say anything, offer a hug or better yet do a little research...
(((Hugs)))
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Beautiful Post. Perhaps we can use this thread to post resources on how to deal with Bi-polar.
I will post what I have learned later.
I do know that going dark is a mistake if you want to attempt to heal.
Dim is the better path. Give a loving and caring distance to your spouse.
But you must determine if want this relationship first. Then try to save it. So read as much as you can on bi-polar. Learn and seek out advice from those who have dealt with bi-polar.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I appreciate the words of wisdom from someone who has lived this. It takes true courage (even under anonymity)to post your experiences to the masses.
Maybe you can post to the individual who has this in his sitch and help him understand. Talk to him directly. I don't think he was necessarily blaming her condition; but requesting help with how to deal with it.
I, for starters, have NO experience with any bi-polar. I do however have much experience in dealing with the symptoms of what appears to be a personality disorder. An individual here asked for some insight; and I gave him my experiences. He has a right to be enlightened what's in front of him. These types may or may not respond to DB'ing like "norms" will. And I NEVER have made this as an excuse for my W's behavior. She knows right from wrong. She has even told me that even if I had done everything right; this probably would have still happened. It's the only way she's ever known to live. She knows that she's not "normal" and knows that she's toxic. But she's my W, I love her, and if I blamed her (undiagnosed) condition solely for this; I would not be trying today.
But I do believe that her condition certainly has had bias in destroying our marriage. That I'm sure of. I know where I have gone wrong and where I'm crazy in my own right. There is some talk of Dependency Personality Disorder. But I believe it's just plain old Co-Dependency and Rescue mode mentality.
I do believe that in any case, following the DB principles have helped me and would apply in any situation. Some of my actions have elicited desireable response from my W. But my knowledge of what I'm up against helps me monitor my success or failure. In other words, if my W was a "norm"; this process would probably have a greater chance of success.
So to speak for myself...I have never intended to lay blame squarely at the feet of any medical/health condition. If you have taken any of my posts as such; I ask that you please re-evaluate or identify those posts to me. Keep in mind that we only read words here; no one can tell the tone of voice from our posts, nor do any of us have much background on each other.
Please continue to share to those who need; You may be the key to salvaging a very delicate relationship.
Stop using it as an excuse for what your spouse has done. Yes they may be cheating or they may be a WAS or even a spouse with MLC however you need to also take a long hard look in the mirror and see where you may have also not been the best spouse you could have been.
Great piece of advise for eveyone...not just spouses of BPD
Originally Posted By: Serenity13
If you don't know what you are talking about either don't say anything, offer a hug or better yet do a little research...
(((Hugs)))
again, great piece of advise for everyone
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
I was speaking by what I have been reading recently..
There are a few newcomers I have talked to about this, however it seems everyone wants to lay blame in a nice neat box with a bow on top and that isn't what this is all about.
I just want people to be careful with the advice that is thrown out especially when dealing with something as serious as a mental issue...
We are only going by what the spouse is putting here and I can remember not to long ago when I was so wrapped up in my depression after a long manic high that had my husband done what some people say here, I may have ended it then and there.
I don't want a crappy piece of advice to be the catalyst to ending someones' life.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Thanks Serenity13 for ALL of your thoughts. I have definitely been doing a lot of soul searching and looking into the mirror and know that I WAS the cause of a lot of how my WAW feels and I have been reading and changing and GAL and improving myself for possibly her or someone else. My biggest regret is that right now my W doesn't want to give the R/M a chance to show her how good it can be and the changes I have made but hopefully she will see them over time.
Thanks
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
We are only going by what the spouse is putting here and I can remember not to long ago when I was so wrapped up in my depression after a long manic high that had my husband done what some people say here, I may have ended it then and there.
I don't want a crappy piece of advice to be the catalyst to ending someones' life.
Serenity, I have the utmost respect for you. And I completely agree that people dealing with mental illness in their family should educate themselves *properly* and not be quick to take free advice (and/or diagnoses) from public forums.
But nobody is responsible for someone else's decision to end their life. No one.
As you are responding from your own experience, so am I. I got a call this morning about a family friend who took his own life at age 19. Now his parents not only have to deal with the loss, but all the "Was there something else we could have done?" questions and self-doubts that nobody should ever have to suffer through.
We are all here to help each other on the journey, but the only life we are responsible for is our own. We can't live if we are constantly walking on eggshells and second-guessing whether our every word and action might be a "catalyst" for tragedy.
IMHO.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
There are a few newcomers I have talked to about this, however it seems everyone wants to lay blame in a nice neat box with a bow on top and that isn't what this is all about.
I just want people to be careful with the advice that is thrown out especially when dealing with something as serious as a mental issue...
My counselor and I were talking on this same subject about a month ago. She's a psychiatrist, which means she went to medical school, and has a background in science, rather than the Dr. Phil pop-culture approach that is not based on evidence but rather opinion.
She said that the test of seeing if someone has a personality disorder that is chemically or biologically based is to treat it as a true disease. So if someone is bi-polar or depressed, they will act consistently in all circumstances since the disease is continuous. If you have a spouse that tells you they lie to you or cheat on you because of a sex addiction, scientifically, it would be they would not be able to control it. That is, they would be cheating on the OP or they would lie in almost all circumstance where there's no stakes involved - like lying to a waitress or a checkout clerk.
It's like diabetes. If you have it, you'll need insulin whether you are sitting in the room with your husband, with your kids, with the car repair guy, whomever. But if you can PICK and CHOOSE, it becomes less like a disease and more like a choice.
If your spouse is kind and nice to the person he or she is cheating with, but a jerk to you, that's inconsistent. Someone who who has a broken leg will be in pain if they are in the car with their husband or on the porch with their lover.
I think we talked about this to understand how important diseases are. Clearly, there are things like sexual addiction, but in those cases, the people cannot stop having sex with others. So it doesn't matter who they have sex with, it will be a person they meet, a 70-year old woman who wants to do it, the only criteria is that they need sex. If your spouse says they need to feel loved and cherished, well, that's a lot different then sex addiction.
There was a discussion I had with my stbx-h a long time ago, where he said that he thought he might be bipolar. When I mentioned that he never seemed to get angry at his mom, he said that she never made him angry. But if someone is truly bipolar, it doesn't matter what the other person is like, the bipolar disease can't distinguish one person from another.
The reason I wanted to point it out is because I truly think there are seriously ill people with mental illnesses and that causes severe pain to the people around them. But wanting to schtup with the local bakery girl, that seems less like a disease and more like malaise and horniness.
My sincerest condolences on your loss this morning - You and your family friends will be in my prayers...
I agree that no one should ever have to face those questions or self doubts...
I was in no way asking anyone to walk on eggshells...
I just want others to think a little more before they throw out advice...
Yes I understand the newcomers are angry/heartbroken/frustrated etc...
However when they say their spouse has *take your pick and enter here* illness, the last thing they need to hear is advice on how to "get back" or "make them suffer/pay/wish etc"...
I didn't think that was how this board was run...
I never received advice like the advice being thrown out lately...
The advice I got was thought out, heartfelt and kind...
The advice I see lately is more along the lines of "getting back at the WAS" - No one wants to own any part of what their WAS has done and any part they may have inadvertently played in..
They just want to cast blame on any/everything possible so they don't have to take the time to stop and actually see if maybe, just maybe they could change a little into a better person because of this journey...
(((Hugs)))
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
It has been my experience in learning about my bi-polar with my sister the best way to understand (as much as possible since I can't experience it first hand) is to be as active in the treatment as you can, find the right outlet for support and understand that while certain things are common, not everybody is the same.
My sister has a very hot temper. Her temper has cooled down a bit since she has been married as my BIL is SUPER laid back and that has been very positive for her. But she doesn't have a hot temper because she is bi polar. She has a hot temper because she does. My father also had a very hot temper.
Bi polar, if not properly treated and managed, is not something you can turn on and off. It might seem that way if somebody is swinging from high to low (and has some "ok" periods in between) but it's not really something one can hide or mask for long.
By the time my sister became involved with my BIL she was very well managed, accepting of her diagnosis and on a very, very good track. Her psych suggested my BIL go to a support group for bi polar spouses and he did for quite some time. Not because my sister was taking care of herself because she was. More so, so he could learn about the disease and understand it through the eyes of other spouses/loved ones.
It is really hard to get your life or a R back on track when there are medical issues that are not resolved or managed.
My sister has said many, many times that she often thinks about not taking her meds but she knows what is at stake if she doesn't. She has worked way too hard to throw it all away. I guess though for some people it takes a while to accept things.
