OK..so I have a crazy wife; not ashamed to admit it. I hadn't been here in a long time so after my W told me last week that she wanted a D. "we need to take a leap of faith" she said. God told her that she needed to divorce to save me. Point is that is doesn't matter. I was ready; so I started a thread in Surviving. She was ready to give all sorts of concessions. I brought everything that she left in my house back to her house.
Now, she's changed her mind. "I only said that because I was afraid of hurting you." "I'm toxic to you" whatever...
So she had a breakdown...the world is crashing around her, I guess...She thinks we should live like we're married. In fact, her words; "we should give it 60 days to sh!t or get off the pot." Now "God has put this pit in stomach because he's trying to reach me. He wants me to work on the M now."
I have no idea where to head from here. On the one hand; I've always wanted to save my M. OTOH, I'm longing to be free of this batchitt! I truly do not have the money for a long battle in court; I barely have enough for a great L. So if she wants to fight it; she has thousands at her disposal from a trust fund. But if I let her back in and she then files; I could be a greater disadvantage...
I forgot if you mentioned it before, but did the two of you ever see a C? Preferably one with a psychiatric background? You may have mentioned that your W is on meds, but if not, then she needs to get some stat.
This is basically for your kids who need some sort of stability from her.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
MrB...we did see a counselor. In 2007, but no real honest effort was placed into it. Since then she wouldn't agree to MC. She has seen IC off and on; but typical of people with PD's, she won't attend therapy long enough for it to do any good. She's on AD's; but that only goes so far. The meds only treat the depression; they do nothing for her symptoms of HPD co-morbid with BPD. Mind you, there's been no official diagnosis; my opinion only. My IC suggested that she sounds BPD.
Now she's talking that she'll go to MC again. She definitely needs help.
Well you've got a helluva lot of patience. Push for the MC with a licensed psychiatrist. Then you make her stick with it or you're gone for good. Your kids need that right now for stability in her.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
And I agree with you about stability for the kids. Heck, outside of my covenant I made in front of God; that the main reason I've stuck it out this long. I just worry that since her mother has some of these traits that this crap is genetic. I so pray that my D does NOT inherit this.
I don't have the background to offer much yet... haven't read it... but I CAN tell you sixty days is NOT enough to fix much that she will notice.
If she expects a turnaround in sixty days... she's setting you BOTH up for failure... you need to set her straight on that deadline FIRST before you even THINK about committing to anything...
60 days isn't going to make a DENT. You will be right were you were before all over again in 60 days.. with her wanting to leave again...
Allen...we've been separated since Sep 08. Having troubles since before then (June 2006).
Drinking, lying, multiple A's, a kid from last OM.
It's hard bro...when you believe in your covenant before God. I know I have a way out. The question is, am I strong enough to either stay and try to let her get help (she probably won't stick with it) or am I strong enough to suck it up and let the whirlwinds of the D process start blowing.
I'm not really in a position, financially, to deal with a protracted D proceeding in the fashion that I would want to. So I'm coming up with my demands for her to see if she can pull it off. First demand though, is to lay off this 60 day time frame. She brought it up with the reasoning that if we're going to be married and put it together; then it would be better to be together.
Now if my W was normal, I might could buy into that. However, she's not and my BS meter says that there is something more to this "60 days" than she let on.
Since Christmas Eve until last Monday; we had been hanging out about 3-4 times a week. Doing dinner at each of our respective homes. Staying over at each other's places. We both agree that it was moving way too fast. Then last Monday, she said that she needed more space and was wanting D. So I started bringing all of her stuff back to her place and took my stuff from there as well.
It seems that process set this ball rolling. She says that she is now willing to listen to what I need for reconciliation. I've just been burned too many times, and that is my fault. I'm probably crazy too.
MWD said the KEY INDICATOR of long term viability of a partner is NOT how much they love you, how religious they are, or how much you two have in common...
The most influential factor indicating the survivability of a partner in a marriage is their maturity level during crisis... people who RISE when things are at their WORST are the ones you want to live with for the remainder of your life
Can your spouse manage herself during crisis? Can she find maturity when things are at their worst?
is there ANY indication she might GET there so you can trust her again?
If you have no confidence she can find maturity in crisis, and you have no confidence she CAN get there given your situation, its very difficult to commit to her...
Until she can have you believe she can handle herself when things are at thier worst (somone hits on her in private for example) then you can't trust her until she CAN.
Allen...the short answer is NO; she cannot handle herself in a crisis.
She's coming over tonight to visit and look up MCs online. I'm going to demand a NC letter to written by me, delivered by me before we ever commence any MC. Also I get to interview MCs and have to agree on one such as you described in another post.
My gut tells me something is still fishy in Denmark and my gut has never failed me yet when it comes to her. This hard push to start when two months ago it was "take it slow...maybe it takes a year. "
found some MC's online and she took the list. Said that she'll call some of them tomorrow and let me know. We'll see
She asked why I was so distant. She made that comment last night. I explained to her that one week we've gone from putting it back together to her wanting a D and now back to wanting to put it back together. How does she expect me to react?
Then I told her that I would need a NC letter to be delivered by me. She said that OM and I will have to talk about the kid. I told her that an agreement can be worked out where he can call or text thru me for items concerning the kid. If there has to be direct contact; it's only with me present. This would have to be in place BEFORE we start any MC.
She seemed a little perplexed; so I informed her that any lingering feelings for this guy start back over anytime that she has contact with him. That's why it has to be in place. "What, you don't trust me?" of course not W, why would I? I would love to; but not right now.
So it was empowering to lay that out. She didn't lash back; but it'll be interesting to see what her next move is or isn't.
