I hope I'm not wasting your time - but this could be a difficult one.
I have been with my girlfriend for two years. She is on daily medication for her bipolar depression. A part of this infliction causes them to frequently break up with their partners - particularly when they are not 'thinking right' or having an 'episode'. The explanation is usually along the lines of its 'too much pressure to have a partner' / 'I'm not in love with you anymore / 'I need space'
This happened to me a year ago - she broke up for four weeks with me claiming it was 'too much pressure',then got back together again.
Last week - a similar situation occurred. My girlfriend was having an episode and decided that because I hadn't been staying at her place a lot lately and that I hadn’t been showing her enough physical attention – that we needed ‘space’ and needed to ‘begin again’ with each other.
She also told me she wasn’t ‘in love’ with me and felt nothing when I touched her.
What’s difficult to know is what is bipolar and what is not. I know sometimes I tend to pull back physically in a relationship and put up a bit of a shield. I also know that she wanted me to stay over at her place more and this had become an issue for her.
So any suggestions on how I should handle this? I have given her the space she asked for and haven’t contacted her for a week – I suppose I have ‘gone dark’.
But then should I be doing this if she felt she wasn’t getting enough attention from me in the first place? Am I not compounding the problem by giving her ‘less love and attention’ by having no contact. On the other hand she said she wanted ‘space'!
So any suggestions on how I should handle this? I have given her the space she asked for and haven’t contacted her for a week – I suppose I have ‘gone dark’.
But then should I be doing this if she felt she wasn’t getting enough attention from me in the first place? Am I not compounding the problem by giving her ‘less love and attention’ by having no contact. On the other hand she said she wanted ‘space'!
How do I straddle this middle ground?
IF she is truly bipolar then why are you even asking these questions? You are getting exactly what she is. This IS who she is. This IS what bipolar people do. You think that she is going to stop being bipolar by something you say or do? You are only fooling yourself if you even think that would work. She MAY (and I do mean MAY) learn to control it somewhat better with help and medication, BUT you better face reality here guy.. THIS is what you can look forward to or have in the back of your mind for the REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH HER.
What you are doing now is PERFECT. Leave her alone and do NOT contact her. When the bipolar goes in the opposite direction yet once again (and it WILL) she will then be banging on your door all depressed because she can't have you........
You really need to focus on what you have here and what you are in store for for the rest of your life if you choose to have a bipolar woman in your life.. It will always be high's and lows, high's and lows...for her, and then they try to bring YOU down or up because of the way they feel for the day....She is going to exhaust you emotionally. Wear you down.. Up and down up and down and you had BETTER be up and down with her. OR..... (get it?)
This isn't really that much about you and what you do or how you act. I think you should kick her to the curb and then when she begs you back, that you should then tell her that you will NOT take her back until she gets help. It will only be the crisis when she is again on the downside of her issue that she will probably do whatever you want her to do to make it work.
I would take the strongest toughest stance on her that she has ever seen from a man. Let her come to you, then reject her until she gets help.. AND I don't just mean three counseling sessions and a new bottle of pills....
She is on medication and sees a psychiatrist however I found out she hasn't been for six months and obviously her body / mind may have gotten used to the medication.
Can I take it you've had personal experience? Why the hell do they do this leaving / breaking up thing and then come back?
Unfortunately I'm going thru something similar with my W. She's diagnosed bipolar and I'm pretty sure she has BPD too. I guarantee if I hadn't chased her out the door she would have been back already. Just checking in before bed & not much time to post tonight so I'll ttyl.
H28 | WAW24 | S8 | D5 | SD2 | D1 | T6 | M1 My Story | My Motivation
Unfortunately it's not something I can decide straight away.
First I want to make sure she's safe - and then I have some BIG decisions to make from there.
Then you contact her family and tell them what is going on. If you want to continue with her, tell them that, if not, tell them that. If this is true bipolar, she can not be allowed to just stop medication and counseling. If you want our help, provide us as much info as you can. How long together, kids, how often does she break up with you? What meds is she on?
My sister has BPD. She was diagnosed over a decade ago. She has been very well managed, leads a totally normal life, has two college degrees, a very good job and a very healthy marriage.
The only time my sister ever experienced extreme highs and lows (and when this happens it is horrible) is when she was not taking her medication properly or not taking it at all.
With any mental illness the biggest enemy is usually the patient themselves. Often times once a patient starts to feel better or "normal" they stop taking their meds and stop seeing their dr's. I can remember my sister being up for days on end and starting 25 huge household projects all at once then crashing for days and be unable to get out of bed. That was also the time when she decided she "felt better" and decided she didn't want to take her meds each day.
Many women also resist treatment as many of the treatments cause substantial weight gain. Both Lithium and Depakote are excellent courses of treatment for BPD but also cause weight gain. My sister took Depakote for years and struggled with her weight. She went from being a size 2 to a size 14 in a few months time. A few years ago she started taking Lamactal and as far as her and her dr's are concerned Lamactal is what works best for her. There are many, many drugs out there and I do think it is trial and error of what will work best over the long term.
Not seeing a psych for six months is not good. My sister sees her psych ever 6 weeks. The last "episode" my sister had was in 1999 and she was hospitalized. It honestly was one of the most frightening things I have ever seen. Her worse side effect from her medication is mild acid reflux that only flares up from time to time.
I guess I just wonder if in fact your GF is taking her meds on a consistent basis. If she is not then the highs and lows will never stop. If she is taking her meds and she still has such severe highs and lows then maybe she is not on the right med.
I can really relate to your fear and wondering if she is safe. Mental illness has so much negativity attached to it. The very sad thing is a good majority of the time there is medication that can greatly improve the quality of life. It's not different than a diabetic taking insulin IMO.
i can sort of relate to your situation. my H of 2.5 years has never been diagnosed bipolar, but he has been diagnosed with adult ADHD, and those 2 actually can look a lot alike. he's told me before that once he gets to feeling like he's on the decline, there is no stopping him. he left once before we got engaged, for about a month, once about 9 months after we got married (saying he just "wasn't ready" and the pressure of being married was too much) and he actually moved out about a month ago. he calls it the "freight train" effect, and has explained that once his mind gets on this "i gotta get out of here" train, there is nothing anyone can say or do to stop it. he's not currently nor has he ever been on any meds for his ADHD, and even his ADHD was only "diagnosed" by one counselor and he's never sought additional professional opinions. he's seeing an IC now to get to the "root" of his behavioral patterns.
just like your GF, my H has come plowing back, every time. he shows up crying on my parents' doorstep, at my office, leaves me letters, flowers, the whole nine...but not this time. i think he's finally realized that there is something bigger that's beyond his control going on and hopefully he will find a way to take charge of his impulses, with or without me.
it's hard to decide how much you can handle. it's like putting a limit on your love. well, i will love you the first and second time you do this, but three strikes and you're out. ??? i don't know if i'm a glutton for punishment or what, but in any case, we're both dealing with people who are mentally unstable. the first thing to realize is that this is not about YOU. i think it's smart to go dark, not only to give her space, but also to give you time to think about what you really want. not that someone dealing with bipolar disorder is broken and should just be scrapped, but it's really important to the health of the relationship for someone with bipolar or adhd, or any special challenge for that matter, to be with the RIGHT PERSON. take some time to think about if you are the right person for her, and if she's the right person for you.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
BPD is not the same as Bi-Polar. BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder. From everything I have read, there are NO meds that effectively treat BPD; only the depression symptoms.
Bi-Polar does have medicines available.
So, unless I'm not completely up to date, CityGirl, is your sister Bi-Polar or Borderline? I'm just curious. Thanks
