seperated a year

[chatterbug]

U have some smart ladies on here giving you advice.

Remember no contact is so you can heal. You can change. You can GAL.

This is all for you.

When you feel doubt. Do not do it. When you feel alone go hug your daughter or look in a mirror and smile.

Do not contact him at all. Only reply on important matters. He is not your friend. He is your husband and father of your child. When you feel despair. Look at what your daughter survived. Look at the support she needed and still needs. Give that to yourself at this time.

[Onthemountaintop]

Tired of trying to be his friend while he is still contacting her.

Maybe, maybe, he is contacting her like a friend not as an intimate R. I remember telling my W about a converstation I had with another woman at work, and she got jealous. Well, I found that only made me feel untrusted - and what is a marriage without trust.

JUST IDEAS from a semi-WAH point of view...
- make sure not to flip flop
- don't close doors you might want open later (if you want him in your life, let him know the door is open)
- don't beg (control your emotions)
- do not go "dark" and cut off contact. If I was alone but had a R over email with someone and my spouse didn't want to talk, well...guess who does?
- do not give ultimatums unless you really are ready to follow through

I noticed that you asked him to get out, but then you said he came back a few times for weird reasons. Look for those as opportunities for him to move back in. Yes, the contact with the OW needs to end. But he needs to choose that. If he's just talking, is that OK with you that he might want to only end it if your R gets going again?

[hanging in there]

Thank you Lolawar and Newmama.
Not replying to his texts regarding my GALing is easy beacuse I know he has (or had) a jealous streak so I know it gets to him whether or not he shows it.

The NC does seem to be getting easier, but it has only been 4 days since I made contact with him. So I know I still have a long way to go.

He told me last week that he would transfer his support on Thursday (which is tomorrrow). I plan on sending a text tomorrow night asking him if he transfered it if I don't here anything from him before that. I hate to break NC for that but need that money to pay house payment on Friday. I figure if I keep it strictly business and short and sweet then I will be fine. Kind of an in and out type contact.

Do you think this is okay or should I wait until Fri or Sat?

[hanging in there]

Chatterbug, My daughter is definatly my hero. She went through so much at such a young age and is amazing.

Onthemountaintop, I'm positive that the R he has with her is more than friendship, by the texts I have read and after speaking to her a year ago. Even though I'm also sure nothing more than an EA will ever come of it, it still hurts. I have never shut him out. The funny thing was after going through with our daughter's health issue I realised we were growing apart and stepped up my efforts to reconnect with him.

This is about the time that he started contacting her and pushing me away. When he would come over in the beginning it was always a short visit in the evening after *pm or so to either drop off a movie, see if anyone else (male) was over or pick a fight and tell me how awful of a person I was. All of this I'm sure was out of hurt, anger and fear. The same emotions I have been feeling. Never has he made an effort to move back in.

To be honest no I don't think I would be okay with him just talking to someone who he told he was divorced and had her believing he was going to drive 5 hours to meet. If he wants the relationship to work why would he still need to contact her until he was satisified that we were going to make it. Seems like it would be a plan B for him.

I have made it clear to him more than once that i want to work on my marriage, thats was part of the big meltdown Sat when i poured my heart out to him. As far as going dark, its hard to be the only one making all the contact. Then hearing about his life and all the things going on for him without so much of a how are you or the girls doing. Thats why I want to go NC to see if he will reach out to me. I dont plan on not replying to him at all but will not be so eager to return every text anymore.

Sorry if I come across harsh but I'm to the point something has got to give, can't keep going on like this. I still love him very much but need to know he thinks of me to and if I am constantly making contact he will never get space to think.

Dang I wish this wasn't so hard and felt like a game of one up manship or a power struggle

[hanging in there]

Newmama
I just got down reading your post. After your first phone consult you were told that going dark was not the right Plan B. Why was that?

[hanging in there]

I made contact this moring to inquire as to either he was going to transfer the support money. He texted back it was transfered. I replied ty and got a welcome. It is especially hard today it has been officially 1 year since I found out about his EA and asked him to move out.

Trying to keep myself busty and not think about it too much. I'm also trying to stay on course and not pour my heart out to him again. He knows how I feel last time I did I told him I wanted my marriage to work but he has to make that choice too.

just journaling

[hanging in there]

Still working on NC with H since last Sat. He called on Thursady to see if I was going to be home he had something for our oldest daughter. I responded with no I'm heading out, you can leave it on the porch. Then quickly got off the phone. This took me by surprise because he never calls only texts randomly if at all.

Fast forward to today he texts to see if I'm working this weekend. After about 2 hours I reply back no, why. He tells me his family is havinga bday party for his grandmother who will be 80 and would like to take the girls. I said that was fine I would make other plans since they will not be with me. He chit chats a little about tiling his bathroom floor. No reponse further drom me.

I have to say I was a little upset. During our whole mariage I was always attending family functions with our children by myself because he never wanted to go. Now since he moved out he is all about going and being part of the family. Guess I was just upset about not being invited.

I understand its his family, but I have a wonderful relationship with his parents. During this whole last year they have supported me in moving on with my life and told me they are ashamed of his actions.

Either way even though it does bother me on some level I am acting as if and staying focused on me. I can't control what they do that includes h.

I'm sticking to my NC and not contacting him in anyway unless it is strictly business (no flase ideas of business to try and strike up a convo either)

Even though it is hard to feel like he is still moving on and is okay with all this I am determined to fake it till I make it.

[newmama]

Hanging in there, I see baby steps your H is starting to pursue you since you have gone NC so keep doing it:

-you said he never calls, only texts usually but he called
-he tried to text you about tiling after his initial text which was originally about taking the girls to the bday party- it looks like he is trying to find things to talk about w/ you

I am curious- is there a chance that he wants you to go the family functions too?

About not going dark for me- I think I called the DB coach in November. He said that since my WH recently brought up divorce (I think it was within a month before the DB phone appointment) he would most likely follow through if I went dark at that time. He told me to work on improving areas that needed improvement, GAL and being mysterious before going dark. Oh and we had the baby visitation issue.

I guess I could go dark today if I wanted but I am not ready...want to be certain that he would pursue me and is not leaning toward OW.

But that was why for me, and each situation is different.

[hanging in there]

Ty NW
I too see the baby steps but also don't want to read too much into anything. Not sure if he wants me to go or not but I'm not going to bring it up. He will have to ask don't think he is there yet.

I'm hoping my comment about making other plans will plant a seed of mystery but time will tell. I too worry that when I don't contact him he will contact his EA but then I realised I can't control that. All I can control is myself. In the past I could tell when he was contacting her because he would often be cold and nasty to me. Reminding me he was done and would never be coming home.

I do know he still contacts her (can access phone usage) but it doesn't seem to be as much anymore but still too much for me and also more than he contacts me. So I needed to go NC to see if I could get his focus off her and on me

Even with the baby you can still do NC only make contact if it is strictly business involving your child. I'm no expert but I going NC has allowed me so peace of mind in a strange way.

[newmama]

I know that now I could do NC I just don't want to! yet

But you are right to NOT bring up going to family events. And mystery is always good!

And how are you checking his phone usage?I mean how can handle seeing that? To me, he is in a relationship (affair) w/ someone else and so why bother looking at this stuff?

And NC is definitely going to get him to think about you!