So I have decided to switch from newcomers to this forum, as I finally realised today what everyone has been trying to tell me for about 8 months now. They aren't just friends they are haveing a A.
I finally realised it when my H decided to take the OW to watch my son's footie match - it just dawned on me - he is grooming her to be the next Mrs. He has had the OW around my kids every single time he has had them for an overnight stay and this w-end they went out together the whole weekend.
What I need some advise on is how I deal with OW. I really dont like her arond my kids. I dont know her, dont trust her and my kids just tolerate her. I have asked him to keep her away and he has told me no. I even sent a Letter via my L and again he said no. I have told him it is confusing to our kids, he said it isnt and that they are fine. They arent - when they get home they tell me they arent.
My orignial stich is under 'He isa bout to file - do I give up?'
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
I suggest you start by exposing their affair to the other woman's husband. I know they claim to be separated, but they could easily be lying, and the man has a right to know regardless.
Are there any leverage points (legal, financial, etc.) you could use for repercussions with your husband, with this important boundary?
Are we talking about an emotional affair where they are in the early stages, or do you think they have expressed I love you's and are sleeping together?
It is VERY hard to expose emotional affairs... they often get laughed at...
Until he's actually doing something physical with her, most people don't think its a problem... They never think these things are a problem until its way too late.
If your children have indicated they don't want to be around her and the STILL insists on keeping her around them, THEN i would get a lawyer to draft up papers to deny him access to his kids unless he's visiting them in YOUR home and they are being supervised... without OW.... your H can't take them anywhere on his own unsupervised. I would push for htat, if your SONS don't like her either... that's a HUGE red light... and I would argue cause for supervised and limited visitation.
THEN go protection phase and shut the husband out of your life physically and emotionally.
It is definitely an EA at least. This has been going on for about 2 years as they used to work together. As for being a PA - I dont know. My S7 said that yesterday that he saw my H put his arm around the OW. Dont want to read into this though.
I did try already through a L letter that she be kept away from my kids but it didnt work. Unfortunately unless she is doing something terrible, e.g. physically abusive I cant stop them. (I have checked.)
My S7 doesnt like her, but behaves around them. My S10 says he doesnt mind her - just doesnt like her around so much. I think he is trying to protect my H as they are finally getting on.
I intend to now go completely dark. NC, at all.
As for leverage I had agreed to mediation, but have decided this really wont be in my best interests. We will be negotiating through our Ls. I know that this is something that my H doesnt want to do, however I am not prepared to discuss anything with him as I cant trust him.
The last thing I could do - and I am not sure if this is a good thing - is turn my kids against her. I dont trust her anyway and I am a little worried about her. Last year she followed my kids and I around our supermarket. I told my H but he didnt believe me. I also notice she tried to look me up on Friends United, again I tried to tell H but he wouldnt listen. I do have proof of this, should I give it to him.
Up until this point I have tried for my kids sake to be amicable, but it has gotten me nowwhere except a kick in the teeth.
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
Thanks Puppy for the input. I agree, I would love to expose the A to her H. However, I am really nervous and have never done anything so bold before. I am also nervous of the reaction from my H. He has a massive temper and I know that he will just go mad e.g. shouting etc. The last time I upset him he withheld my maintenance.
Any suggestions how I go about doing this, I only know his contact details via Facebook.
Also I know I will be asked why I contacted the OW's H - how do I respond to this.
I know that I need to stand up to H, for once, just a little nervous.
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
It sounds illegal for your H to withhold maintenance, first of all. Regardless of him having an A or not, if he does that kind of crap, you really do need to have protection to ensure financial support! Maybe you can see an L about that before you expose?
And see what else you can find out about their friendship so you have more info to give the H when you do expose...maybe it's your turn to follow her around. Well get a friend to at least. I don't know the details of how you would do this, but it's an idea!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
You let your attorney handle any withholding of maintenance. That's illegal, and once your husband knows you have retained an attorney and aren't going to roll over when it comes to your children, he'll come thru.
As for what you say about why you did it, that one's simple: "I felt he had a right to know." That's your ONLY answer.
When you expose, your husband will be LIVID, but he WILL get over it. I am 99% sure he will say something to the effect of "Well, you've now blown ANY chance we had of getting back together." It's pure SCRIPT. Just say "I'm really sorry you feel that way. I felt he had a right to know."
If this is a big "180" for you to be so bold, then it will be all the more effective, and you also won't have to do MUCH in order to get his attention and his respect.
I would make a small adjustment to your response though.
I woudl NOT say "I'm sorry..."
I would jsut tell him
"Affairs are sleazy, selfish, and cruel, they hurt spouses and children and ruin families -- I will NOT sit back and watch you do this to me OR these children!!!"
If you HAVE to respond, do NOT say I am sorry. And saying people have a right to know isn't going to get the message across that what he's doing is sick...
I was going to add a comment in there about him turning another man into a cuckhold, but I left that out to keep the response simple
