Petals, MLC and any crisis/transition can be confusing, especially for the one who has to sit on the sidelines and watch the actions.
You will need to try to find a way to change your mindset for a bit. This is going to be difficult, but you will need to view your h as a friend or someone you know from work, etc. Right now, he's still trying to figure himself out and doesn't want to feel guilty about anything he does, nor does he wanted to be reminded of responsibility and accountability. So, here's what I would suggest...do not call or email him unless it's an absolute emergency or financial stuff. Do not make up excuses to call him. Allow him to call you and there are going to be times when he questions you about what you are doing.....do not spill everything. You can tell him some of what you are doing, but not all of it. He's got to learn that you are not sitting at home or by the phone waiting on him. Life has to continue on for you and that means working on you and changing your focus from him to you and your life.
Hang in there. Read as much as you can and jump in other threads..there is always someone here.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am the wife with a WAH- he moved out 3/5/10- two weeks ago. he lives an hour away and on the weekends we get together 1x so far. It was good- but it was also my birthday. He stayed the night and left the next day. My issues are with Db'ing. Since Monday this week there has been no contact with him at all. I want to call, but i know it goes against the 180 rule. So- he is supposed to come over tomorrow and have date night and see how it goes from there. But since i havent heard from him all week- makes me wonder what he is doing, who he may be with etc. He has not had EA or PA that he will admit to- he claims absolutely not- but was wanting to and this is part of MLC so better for him to leave and see if we could de-stress and work on things living apart. It drives me absolutely NUTS not having contact with him. He said he got a phone line and internet to keep in touch with me during the weeks- but that hasnt happened much at all.....I'm confused. I REALLY REALLY WANT TO CALL-but as of today i havent.
Petals DON'T CALL. This is pursuing and controlling and no good will come from it.
Petals this is your thread try to stay on one thread it is very confusing if you jump all over the board.
Have you read the DR book? I would suggest you get this book and read it for starters. The resources are on the first page of this thread. Start with the detach link. You need to give him space. He is begging you to do that. That is the best thing that you can do if you want your marriage to survive.
Im having a really bad day!!!! I dont know how much longer i can keep going with H living so far away and only seeing once per week(our arrangement). I know that I am not going to contact him this week- i want him to come to me- via email or chat or whatever. The past two months have felt weird and good at the same time-his timeline is september-he says he wants a deadline so we are both not wasting anymore time if things arent going to work out.....I am wondering if i should call the DB counselors. I have not talked to any counselors since this started- I dont know what i would say if i did. H treats me like a friend the whole ILYBNILY story-
me- 36 years old H- 38 Together 15 married 12 1/2 Separated 3/5/2010 NO PA's or EA that i know of.
I remember where you are. It is hell but you must find in yourself something that says I can't stay here I need to move forward. Staying where you are is too painful and gives your H full control.
Acknowledge your feelings but try and then think of things you can do for yourself to cheer you up.
Each day does get better. Each day the heart ache does retreat. Each day you will feel stronger.
I believe the DB counsellors are very good and give excellent advice to help you.
Remember September is his deadline and not yours. It is also a long way off in MLC fantasy land. Don't worry about September get through each hour, day and week first. September will look after itself.
I often wonder what the percentage of DB'ing actually helps marriages. September is his deadline and i dont like th idea that he actually has a deadline---but you are right- thats his deadline- not mine. Im having a hard time doing things that are good for me- I did really good the first month he was gone, excerising and all- now the past month i have done nothing- i did paint my excercise room- its nice now. BUt i cant get motivated to do much. I went out with a friend to a movie and have plans with another for june- Its the day to day stuff- just getting through with all silence in the house- me not hving money to go shopping or anything that makes me feel good about myself- Im have a pity party today:-)
me- 36 years old H- 38 Together 15 married 12 1/2 Separated 3/5/2010 NO PA's or EA that i know of.
P It does get better One foot in front of the other Maybe just a little exercise daily in your new painted room will help the pain eases and then leaves we will have many ggod days and bad but if you take hang in thru the process you will be changed and most likely stronger happier andf more peaceful you can do it-- just keep reminding yourself you can do it and set a plan ion action to take care of yourself good luck peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
