The journey begins

[ClingingToHope]

I learned today that my wife has filed for D. I started out in newcomers in September, unfortunately five months after we separated, then moved to Separted in January.

I received the petition in the mail two weeks ago but my attorney had not received the filed petition. So now I have a case number.

Deep down at the bottom of my soul I feared this but hoped it wouldn't come to pass.

Strange day to receive it. It's D10's birthday. We went out to breakfast this morning and she had a parent-teacher conference at 1:45. So I've seen W twice and I'll see her a third and fourth time today because of other stuff.

I will not cry -- today.

I will not yell during this whole process.

I will not be condescending or arrogant.

I will keep working on becoming the "Me I Want To Be."

I will remember at all times to act like my daughters are right there watching.

I will trust in God's path and pray for my family -- all of my family.

I will need the help of everyone on this board.

[mishka422]

Good goals CTH. Keep in mind that if you backslide on any of those goals it's not the end of the world!

[kat727]

I am really sorry. It is a shock but I think you have the right goals. Keep yourself as calm as possible and stay focused on your kids and yourself.

It doesn't seem like it now but that is the key to this whole thing. Be the best you that you can be and make what changes you have thought of for you.

blessings, kat

[antlers]

I will need the help of everyone on this board.

You got it. We all got the help of others on this board.

I'm sorry you got served. I know firsthand the things you're feeling. I can tell you this...you need to take care of YOU in every way. Do the things you listed, but get the most awesome lawyer that you can. Don't discuss legal stuff withn her either, let that stuff go through the lawyers. Separate the legal side of this from the other side of this, because they are separate! You're in for some crap, and I'm sorry, but you are.

There are 2 ways to do this:

1. A very painful, but right way.

2. An excrutiating painful, but wrong way.

It can't be rushed, it hurts, and it's gonna take some time to heal and get better.

Do it the right way. Your list is a good start. Stick to it. Be the better person. If you backslide, it's not the end of the world. And again, get a badass lawyer!


ps - I'm on your side.

[Drew]

Divorce is just a piece of paper. It doesn't change who you are.

Chin up. Soldier on.

[antlers]

I didn't mean to sound harsh or cold in my previous post, so I apologize if I did. I just believe that strength is one of the most important things to have in these situations. Weakness accomplishes nothing. Ask Him for strength and wisdom to deal with every facet of this situation you are now in.

[awest1217]

So sorry! Hope the other conference and D10's party still goes ok.

[ClingingToHope]

Thanks everyone. I do have a very good lawyer. He came highly recommended from a high school classmate. In his case, he was married to a doctor who made mid six figures. She started sleeping with another doctor who makes seven figures.

She filed for divorce, full custody (even though she works on-call and has crazy hours), child support and alimony.

It cost him $60,000, but he got custody, child support and alimony. He's a photographer.

In terms of legal reputation, I'm happy with my guy.

I just hoped I would never really need him.

I went to the second conference, which went really well. D7 is in her fifth school in four years because of ADHD issues, but she started out this year in a special program. She's done so well they've transitioned her back to regular classes 90 percent of the time.

They believe next year she'll be 100 percent back in normal classes with just slight Para supervision.

I am extremely proud of her and grateful for this program.

I'm also a little sad.

Last year, both D10 and D7 struggled. D10 was in her first year in the gifted program and all of a sudden everyone was as smart as she was. She was used to easy success and not having to work at things. So she whined all year about how hard things were. And D7 was rarely in class. She was usually in trouble or working one-on-one with a para. We were getting calls at least once a week.

It made a tense situation way more so. We learned our lesson and hired an after-school sitter who could help D10 with her homework. D7 got placed in this special program and now ... everything is better scholastically.

I just wonder if this stuff had happened one year earlier then would we be in this situation. We worked so hard on the kids but never worked on us.

I just got off the phone with my aunt. The truth is there's always going to be that 1% deep down that won't let go, that will hope that something will open W's heart again. Even if my brain tells me there's no hope -- especially considering W is the type who NEVER admits she's wrong. She has such self-esteem issues she just can't admit when she's made a mistake.

One thing in the conference. I couldn't look at her. A few times she looked over at me for input or to ask a question and I'd just look at the teachers or the paperwork in front of me.

I couldn't look at her. Not today. I've got one more event tonight and it is D10's birthday, but it'll be late when the event is over so hopefully they'll just go home.

Small consolation. My girls love me. I know that. W knows that. She also knows I will not let them down. So if this is how it is to be she'll be faced with their questions and their looks for 10 years on why she chose to break up the family.

At least I don't have to live with that.

[Gardener]

CTH,
Sorry to hear your news.
You sound strong and your goals are good, especially

I will remember at all times to act like my daughters are right there watching.

At the worst moments in the process, I pictured my stepchildren there witnessing my interaction with their mother. It helped.

I'm glad you got good news at the conference and I admire your strength in being able to function and get through something like that today of all days.

Small consolation. My girls love me. I know that. W knows that. She also knows I will not let them down. So if this is how it is to be she'll be faced with their questions and their looks for 10 years on why she chose to break up the family.

Oh, no, no, no...Big consolation!

Take. Care. Of. Yourself.
Now, especially.

[ClingingToHope]

Wow, that was a long day. I went to D10's -- now D11 -- theater thing at 6:30 p.m. She was in an improv class and this was the showcase at the end.

She did OK. She's no star. She just loves being around all of the kids.

I got there right at the start and found an open seat. It looked like W and her mom saved me one, but I was happy where I was at.

D7 was restless and wandering around and at the end spotted me and came and sat with me.

When it was over I went over to D11 to congratulate her. I gave her a birthday card and quietly sang her happy birthday and she started bawling.

A girl in her class asked her what was wrong, D11 told her and that girl is going through the same thing. So they went off to talk for a while.

W came looking for D11 and found the two girls talking. D11 didn't want to leave yet so I offered to drop her off. W shot me a funny look and took D7 home.

D11 and I went to get an ice cream and she was sad because I've always been there to tuck her in on her birthday and I wasn't going to be there this year.

I told her I was 99.9 percent sure W and I are going to get D, but I'm still holding on to a small bit of hope that she'll change her mind.

D11 was OK by the time I dropped her off.

Then I went to a going away party for a coworker I am really going to miss. She is the most talented person we have and I learned last year she was put on a Personal Improvement Plan.

I was blown away. I got put on one of those back in 2003 because D11 was sick with ear infections for four straight months and I burned through all of my sick time and was working from home. W couldn't miss work she was trying to climb the management ladder.

Ah memories ...